Friday, May 27, 2005

Hero

the movie was so much fun. we got down there, bought tix, connor showed up, we got starbucks and amigos, finally rick, owen and phil showed up (owen=td) and it was much fun. owen kept poking me and it kinda got annoying. claire got phil p's number. lol. and rick was QUITE entertaining. we decided there's a claire, brittni, rick and phil campout next weekend. nick's party is tonight and i dont know where it is. but claire, phil and i are going and monica is picking us up. we might have to walk there tonight. it might suck. ill figure out a way tho. tomorrow? phils game and geometry extra credit. sunday? family party. phil has baseball at 5 but idk if i can go. hopefully he can stop by the party tho. i think it starts at 11 tho. who knows? i dont.
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phils gpa isnt responding. i feel horrible. why? bcuz i cant console people. i have no idea how to comfort someone bcuz nobody ever comes to me with their problems. i hate it. i have no idea how im gonna make phil feel better if anything bad happens. honestly, its not as horrible as i make it sound bcuz he's an elder and its only natural. and i feel bad for thinking that cuz its his gpa. and horribly, i feel like phil is, idk, overreacting. half of me agrees with that. the other half? pitties phil x10000. i dont know what its like to have a gpa die. ones dead already bcuz of cancer (which runs in the family so im really scared bcuz i have a mole and i almost picked it off and my dad said i could get cancer) and the other gpa, well, he sucks. he stopped talking to me and my mom for 7 years. and i hardly know him. he lives in geneseo. and now my mom and her mom arent talking so if she died, idk when id find out. i wouldnt cry as much over gpa butch. gma bonnie? prolly. nana? id die. idk. tyler seemed closer to me then anyone at that point. in november, tyler was my best friend and phil and i were getting to know each other so ya know? and he died. my bestfriend. idk what im gonna do! i was sobbing again last night. i hate death. phil is gonna be so depressed, and depressed men are scary and make me afraid. like, theyll get so incredibly angry and idk, but do something stupid. ahhh, idk what im saying. but i cried last ngiht, not only for phil and his gpa BUT I MISS TYLER. I MISS HIM AND I WANT HIM BACK. i hate this.
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je prieair pour lui.
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here's some lyrics: mainly for phil.
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Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.
It isn't the love of a hero, that's why I fear it won't do.
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We're out of time and I can't breathe [x4]
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me

I'm gonna make this work
I'm gonna change everything wrong with me
I'm gonna prove you wrong
when I meet you in another life
Over again
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i love you phil.
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see you tonight ;)
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omg i have butterflies. please god, for tonight, let this work!
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p.s. claire thinks rick os one of the hottest guys shes ever seen.
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p.p.s. im gonna fial world history. and im crying already and i havent failed yet. idk what to do. i hate myself. shoot me. slap me. beat me. i hate me. IM GONNA FAIL AND IM CRYING AND I DONT WANT TO FAIL.

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