Memory

memory is a curse. but if you have no memory, you have nothing.
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i hate my mom even more. she sent me on a fucking guilt trip. and after this post im going to send one last email to her. the only reason she should hurt more/as much as me is bcuz it was her disicion to ruin my life. shes so dumb. and shes so fucking up. id swear she lives to create pain. i cant stand it. and ive been so happy up until now. she made me cry. weep. i dont weep. until now. why do i get the fucked up mom? the child abuser? the one who leaves? why do i have to life with men and never know the fun of being a girl. my idea of being a girl comes from tv shows and music. thats all i had to learn from till i was about 14 when i realised i was human. idk. why am i so fucked up? why cant i be normal? why cant i ahve a mom to buy me nice clothes and to take me tanning and to dye my hair so i can be as pretty as tonya, or katie, or or or MEGHAN! why cant i be loved like everyone else?
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idk what to do. i feel really dead inside. and all yuo fuckers who care enough to force me not to cut....including phil.....i hate right now. i dont know what to feel right now. hate? anger? pity? resentment? guilt? i feel really void of emotions except pure and utter sadness. emptiness. and i wish i could feel anger. i wish i could feel right now cuz i feel numb. but i g2g get ready and stop crying cuz the party starts in about an hour or so.