Derek <3 Trevor
ok, like juvy, derek chmiel and trevor blackman are NOT dating. its a trevor in mccook. ok? ok. *happy juvy?*
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derek....lol. you seem all worried, im ok. about that anyways. true, id give alot to be in trevor's place but its all good. i miss you. alot. didnt ur mom say you guys were coming in the 29th? maybe i was hearing shit. you need to email me....if you can...plz! thanks again for the gifts. loves.
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mrs. broeker is the coolest teacher ever! and shes from mccook. talk about awesome!!!!!!!right? right. lol.
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not much has been happening. going to the stars game tonight with dad, mike and phil. umm......school's started again. and second semester ROCKS! lol. i <3 creative writing. and im doing my homework....YAY! lol. ummmmmm. my social life is ok.....i guess. making new friends in a way. lots of old ones in my classes.
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i had a HUGE meltdown last night. apperantly so did tim's gf. i feel so jealous fo the world. i hate it. and i have to put on a fucking happy face for everyone. i hate it. i hate this so much. every morning, you wake up and put on a smile just before ashley arrives. and you're not allowd to be sad until you're alone. i hate it. english and civics both make me want to cry. i hate them. i usually LOVE english. but the ppl, im so alone. so depressed. i hate it so much. you have no idea. and civics is going to take soooooooo long. im starting to think it would ahve been easier to just fucking...like....taken the class. but.....you know.....I HATE IT. idk. im so jealous. jealous of people with best friends. or tight little cliques. like phil and tim. or alyssa, crystal and danielle and sabrina and all them. look at me. im shit. im so full of fucking envy that i practically beg for one person to stay the ngiht with, to giggle with, to tell secrets too. someone to tell all my feelings too, about who i like and who i dont and why. someone to gossip with, share lockers with. someone to love me like a sister. someone ive never had in my whole life. someone to understand. id give anything. ANYTHING. all my friends live in different cities and it seems like different worlds. i feel so alone. i feel so jealous. im jealous of tim's gf lauren bcuz he's so focused on her. *i would know how tim is.dont ask* he loves her so much. and he lets her know. im jealous o phil bcuz, he always has his best friend. my 'best friend' is a gay guy who im crushing on, i talk to him about once a month. and we hardly have anything in common. i am so jealous......jealous of things that i could never say out loud. i ahte the world. i really do. and i was so close to begging for caps last night. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR MAKING THAT PROMISE TO PHIL. and all ngiht last ngiht, i sat there and lsitened to taproot. i was pissed, all i wanted to do was throw shit and scream and scream and scream and yell and throw and punch. i was soooooo angry. angry at myself. angry at me for being me. and i want to do it again. just, like. clench t\your fists and BANG ON EVERYTHING. FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING UP. RUIN EVERYTHING JUST LIKE EVERYTHING HAS RUINED YOU. sorry that anyone whos reading this, is still reading this, jsut give up now. and its such bullshit. how my dad, him beign him can sit there, idly, watching me clench my fists and forced my eyes to stay tightly shut. sitting there as my head swims, i get lightheated and my breathing gets all fucked up. i ahte me. just like you do too. all i want to do is fucking scream. scream at you, at the world, at jealousy, envy, anger and i jsut want it all to go away. idk wut to do. besides solitary confinement. how aobut that? then you can all have time to spend having the time fo your lives with EVERY FUCKING ONE ELSE. tim and phil and lauren can become best friends even more. derek wont have to wrory about my bitching, and same with juvy and liz and ashley and nate and every one else that hates me but wont admit it. truth may hurt......but ignorance is bliss. so, leave me alone. id rather fucking be alone then falling for a FUCKING LIE!
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derek....lol. you seem all worried, im ok. about that anyways. true, id give alot to be in trevor's place but its all good. i miss you. alot. didnt ur mom say you guys were coming in the 29th? maybe i was hearing shit. you need to email me....if you can...plz! thanks again for the gifts. loves.
.
mrs. broeker is the coolest teacher ever! and shes from mccook. talk about awesome!!!!!!!right? right. lol.
.
not much has been happening. going to the stars game tonight with dad, mike and phil. umm......school's started again. and second semester ROCKS! lol. i <3 creative writing. and im doing my homework....YAY! lol. ummmmmm. my social life is ok.....i guess. making new friends in a way. lots of old ones in my classes.
.
i had a HUGE meltdown last night. apperantly so did tim's gf. i feel so jealous fo the world. i hate it. and i have to put on a fucking happy face for everyone. i hate it. i hate this so much. every morning, you wake up and put on a smile just before ashley arrives. and you're not allowd to be sad until you're alone. i hate it. english and civics both make me want to cry. i hate them. i usually LOVE english. but the ppl, im so alone. so depressed. i hate it so much. you have no idea. and civics is going to take soooooooo long. im starting to think it would ahve been easier to just fucking...like....taken the class. but.....you know.....I HATE IT. idk. im so jealous. jealous of people with best friends. or tight little cliques. like phil and tim. or alyssa, crystal and danielle and sabrina and all them. look at me. im shit. im so full of fucking envy that i practically beg for one person to stay the ngiht with, to giggle with, to tell secrets too. someone to tell all my feelings too, about who i like and who i dont and why. someone to gossip with, share lockers with. someone to love me like a sister. someone ive never had in my whole life. someone to understand. id give anything. ANYTHING. all my friends live in different cities and it seems like different worlds. i feel so alone. i feel so jealous. im jealous of tim's gf lauren bcuz he's so focused on her. *i would know how tim is.dont ask* he loves her so much. and he lets her know. im jealous o phil bcuz, he always has his best friend. my 'best friend' is a gay guy who im crushing on, i talk to him about once a month. and we hardly have anything in common. i am so jealous......jealous of things that i could never say out loud. i ahte the world. i really do. and i was so close to begging for caps last night. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR MAKING THAT PROMISE TO PHIL. and all ngiht last ngiht, i sat there and lsitened to taproot. i was pissed, all i wanted to do was throw shit and scream and scream and scream and yell and throw and punch. i was soooooo angry. angry at myself. angry at me for being me. and i want to do it again. just, like. clench t\your fists and BANG ON EVERYTHING. FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING UP. RUIN EVERYTHING JUST LIKE EVERYTHING HAS RUINED YOU. sorry that anyone whos reading this, is still reading this, jsut give up now. and its such bullshit. how my dad, him beign him can sit there, idly, watching me clench my fists and forced my eyes to stay tightly shut. sitting there as my head swims, i get lightheated and my breathing gets all fucked up. i ahte me. just like you do too. all i want to do is fucking scream. scream at you, at the world, at jealousy, envy, anger and i jsut want it all to go away. idk wut to do. besides solitary confinement. how aobut that? then you can all have time to spend having the time fo your lives with EVERY FUCKING ONE ELSE. tim and phil and lauren can become best friends even more. derek wont have to wrory about my bitching, and same with juvy and liz and ashley and nate and every one else that hates me but wont admit it. truth may hurt......but ignorance is bliss. so, leave me alone. id rather fucking be alone then falling for a FUCKING LIE!
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