Firefly

kirby is such an asshole. he wants to get close to me and like, become closer and shit. and like, i think phil doesnt like me talking to kirby bcuz i think phil thinks theres something between kirby and i. there isnt, but atleast i know phil really does love me. i fucking hate myself. man, i wish i could be good enough for phil. but fucking kirby, right, wants to be this close friend and shit when in a couple months, hes leaving for the military. why? idk. and im crying. for many reasons, not just that. but still, LETS BECOME CLOSE FRIENDS AND THEN IM GONNA LEAVE YOU IN A FEW MONTHS JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD DID. but omg, im probably in the worst mental state ive been in since tyler died. i know i made a HUGE MISTAKE in what i did, and i know it hurt phil and i think thats what hurts most. i shouldnt have cut myself. period. and im sick of needing to. im sick of it making me feel better. why cant i be normal and like, idk, cry alot, well, i do that anyways. i really wish i was dead. i should be dead. i always fuck things up. i fuck everything up and this time, its completely my fault. and i wish i could do more then say sorry but i cant. i mean, i promised him id never do it again. its a big promise and im scared to death that ill break it. but idk, it feels like, idk, like its the only way i can get close to making up everything ive done for phil. i hate myself. and, idk, idk how to say any of this. i really dont. im crying all the time, i got an hour of sleep if im lucky and my head hurts like such a fucking bitch. yes, i know, im bitching and rambling, and if you dont like it, go die. i hate life in general. and i just, i wanna say to phil: im sorry i cant be everything youll ever need, im sorry for the way i am. i fucking hate this. i dont know if i should call him, he said i should, but idk. i feel so, small and insecure and insignificant and worthless and idk. i kinda feel like caps again. i mean, if my parents hate me so much that i can only see phil once a fucking month, WHY NOT GO BACK TO CAPS? i mean, life is so horrible. i know that sounds whiny but its true. I DONT HAVE FRIENDS. I HAVE NO ONE TO SIT WITH DURING LUNCH, SO I DONT EAT. ONE PERSON WANTS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND AND THEN LEAVE AND GET HIS ASS SHOT. AND THE ONE PERSON WHO MEANS MY EARTH AND SKY, WHO MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME, IS DEPRESSED AS FUCK AND ITS ALL MY FAULT. give me one good reason to stay here. ONE. i mean, i cant even see derek on sunday. and since dad''s going to kearney, i have no ride to phils. how fun. i wouldnt doubt that phil will never wanna look me in the eye again. man. sigh. idk. i should just crawl up into a little ball in my bed and never come out again. ever. if anyone cares the slightest about me....as if....they can crawl up next to me, and cry with me. it's like. there's always a little black raincloud hiding behind me all the time, but this time, instead of raining on my parade, it shot a lightning bolt thru the biggest and prettiest float in the parade and burned it down. bitch. fucking cloud needs to fucking die. id give anything for some prozac. i wish i didnt take the 30 i had left when tyler died. it really fucked me up......30, in a day. not cool man. i love phil. like crazy. and id do anything for him. and the one part about this whole ordeal that hurts me the most, is that i hurt him. the one thing i wish i could never do. i feel like such a bitch. end of story.

im sorry.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.