Phil
phillip james luebbert. i love you.
.
now that we have that cleared outta the way i have a few anouncements.
.
the party's canceled.
im officially depressed.....again.
and last night i took a bunch of my old happy meds.
i cut myself last night.
.
there, now you know. got a problem with it? post a comment and ill be happy to pretend to care. now, i wrote 5 new poems and im about to work on another one. three are quite short tho. but my next one is a sestina. i WAS gonna write an italian sonnet, but there's no way i could keep the iambic pentameter going on. but the first one is pretty much an edited copy of bright eyes's First Day Of My Life. but its good. sad thing is, it took me all of geometry to write a haiku, a cinquain and a tanka. i need sleep. i got an hour of sleep. i stayed up till 3:30 crying, cleaning my wrists and writing. i woke up at 4:40. ok, so an hour and 10 mins but still. no shower this morning. maybe after im with alyssa. but i woke up and my internet still wasnt working *which, phil, is why i left so abrubtly, im sorry* and i cried even more. no ron white. or hockey game. only claire on saturday, alyssa's on sunday to make the poster for the language fair. which, ill atleast get two red ribbons in. the poster should get a blue, garunteed with our ideas *mostly mine* so that makes me the best. right? right. bitches. ive smiled twice today, with alyssa. thats it. mike harring, yesterday, told me i should do my makeup like the guy from mcr and i did. but with my glasses so it didnt seem too much. and i have a black choker on, and my lp shirt, an exbfs, and my punisher hoodie on. kinda goth, i know, but it looks good. i think so anyways. but that scary disgusting kid that tried to sit next to me on monday, tried to sit by me again. he said i looked CUTE with my glasses. i know im good looking but you dont clal someone with swollen eyes surrounded in black and red eyemakeup cute. no. and then, when he was walking and stuff during class, he really asked me what was going on in the movie im pretending to watch and i said idk. and he kept staring at me. i wish phil and i were 18. then this black ring would look even better. ;| *just i wink, i cant smile* but, dont get me wrong. i LOVE my little black ring. im crying again. i hate crying at school. i cant wait to post the poems i come up with today. i feel sick. oh, and i cant breath very hard. anything near a jog or worse, that fucks with my normal berathing, hurts a bruise i have on the center of my lower neckline area. so crying makes me breathe hard, and that pain makes me cry harder, and it hurts more. its a vicious cycle. i hate life right now.
.
to everyone but phil: im sorry if im "a depressed poop-head" lately, but phil and i are having major system failures. well, not failures, more like problems. but yeah. and im finding it hard to keep myself alive and help phil thru this too. im crying alot and im very depressed. i apologize now and for future times. i miss phil terribly, i feel so stupid and shitty for the reason we cant see each other *its my fault anyways* and any help you guys can offer at all *ie, hanging out, phone calls, IMs, LETTERS, notes or simply hugs* would be appreciated more then youll ever ever understand. for those of you who have hugged me in reassurance today, i thank you so much. i want to thank alyssa, altho she doesnt read this, for helping me stop crying. i love you all and your help is the greatest thing you could give me. thank you.
.
i love you phil. dont ever fucking question that. i always will, dont question that either. you're my baby. im your babygirl. you're my everything. if i have to wait for forever till i can hold you again, i will. love you baby.
.
now that we have that cleared outta the way i have a few anouncements.
.
the party's canceled.
im officially depressed.....again.
and last night i took a bunch of my old happy meds.
i cut myself last night.
.
there, now you know. got a problem with it? post a comment and ill be happy to pretend to care. now, i wrote 5 new poems and im about to work on another one. three are quite short tho. but my next one is a sestina. i WAS gonna write an italian sonnet, but there's no way i could keep the iambic pentameter going on. but the first one is pretty much an edited copy of bright eyes's First Day Of My Life. but its good. sad thing is, it took me all of geometry to write a haiku, a cinquain and a tanka. i need sleep. i got an hour of sleep. i stayed up till 3:30 crying, cleaning my wrists and writing. i woke up at 4:40. ok, so an hour and 10 mins but still. no shower this morning. maybe after im with alyssa. but i woke up and my internet still wasnt working *which, phil, is why i left so abrubtly, im sorry* and i cried even more. no ron white. or hockey game. only claire on saturday, alyssa's on sunday to make the poster for the language fair. which, ill atleast get two red ribbons in. the poster should get a blue, garunteed with our ideas *mostly mine* so that makes me the best. right? right. bitches. ive smiled twice today, with alyssa. thats it. mike harring, yesterday, told me i should do my makeup like the guy from mcr and i did. but with my glasses so it didnt seem too much. and i have a black choker on, and my lp shirt, an exbfs, and my punisher hoodie on. kinda goth, i know, but it looks good. i think so anyways. but that scary disgusting kid that tried to sit next to me on monday, tried to sit by me again. he said i looked CUTE with my glasses. i know im good looking but you dont clal someone with swollen eyes surrounded in black and red eyemakeup cute. no. and then, when he was walking and stuff during class, he really asked me what was going on in the movie im pretending to watch and i said idk. and he kept staring at me. i wish phil and i were 18. then this black ring would look even better. ;| *just i wink, i cant smile* but, dont get me wrong. i LOVE my little black ring. im crying again. i hate crying at school. i cant wait to post the poems i come up with today. i feel sick. oh, and i cant breath very hard. anything near a jog or worse, that fucks with my normal berathing, hurts a bruise i have on the center of my lower neckline area. so crying makes me breathe hard, and that pain makes me cry harder, and it hurts more. its a vicious cycle. i hate life right now.
.
to everyone but phil: im sorry if im "a depressed poop-head" lately, but phil and i are having major system failures. well, not failures, more like problems. but yeah. and im finding it hard to keep myself alive and help phil thru this too. im crying alot and im very depressed. i apologize now and for future times. i miss phil terribly, i feel so stupid and shitty for the reason we cant see each other *its my fault anyways* and any help you guys can offer at all *ie, hanging out, phone calls, IMs, LETTERS, notes or simply hugs* would be appreciated more then youll ever ever understand. for those of you who have hugged me in reassurance today, i thank you so much. i want to thank alyssa, altho she doesnt read this, for helping me stop crying. i love you all and your help is the greatest thing you could give me. thank you.
.
i love you phil. dont ever fucking question that. i always will, dont question that either. you're my baby. im your babygirl. you're my everything. if i have to wait for forever till i can hold you again, i will. love you baby.
2 Comments:
damn you elljay
i hate not saying goodbye
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