Sunday, August 01, 2004

Village

Im not gonna ruin it for everyone, but the ending sucks. but, id watch it on repeat. lol. and, still, im scared of the darkness and red. so, please, leave the color of red away from me. its a bad color.

you know. there is no 'meant to be'........just the result of choices. our lives are made up of small individual pieces of time in which we made an action, idea, opinion or choice. there is no strong, or weak, only the people dumb enough to believe in it. there is no beauty or hideouness, only those too dumb to believe in it. there is love. love is choices and actions. ideas and opinions. your opinion of someone. your ideas for someone. your actions towards someone. your choices made based on someone. i made a wrong choice. but. i took it and twisted it in my own sick little way and made it better. i was loyal, more loyal than i have ever been. he doesnt believe me. oh well. right? now that i did it....it makes it easier to repeat it. ((hooplah is a funny word)) but you know what? he wont ever speak to me again. i cant stand it. it hurts yes, but, it hurts also to see callen hurt by reading what matt writes. matt is hurting me, and if he keeps it up, idk what will happen. im focusing all my time on callen. hopefully, i wont falter. im trying with my all......

i keep commenting in stina's blog. its quite amusing. lol. it riles everyone up. altho, i think my best buddy is on her side. which, in the end, hurts. alot. mike harring, if ur reading this, fuck you. maybe im wrong. i tend to do that, but, hes the only one i know besides david who seems to enjoy stina's company. but, david will do anything for some pussy. i guess andy and brendan are the only ones that i can trust.

you know, im just gonna cut off all communication outside of callen mcintosh. hes the only person i can relate to right now. everyone else is leaving me. im alone. for once in my life, i am alone. well, the closest ill ever be from now on.

you guys are lucky. mike and david and andy are good at video games. stina is so wonderful at gymanstics (she sucks in cheerleading) but her gymnastics are great! callen has guitar and bass and martial arts. spicy has dance. matt has singing. jared has selling drugs. me? nothing. i can understand french enough to live there for a month. i can write short stories. and i can read. my poems suck balls. they always ramble. never rhyme. nothing. my stories suck. my blog sucks. my movies suck. my singing sucks. my guitar sucks. ive never taken a dance class in my life outside of club kicks and jr lightning cheerleading. my acting is horrible. besides, i cant get anywhere without a decent voice. i cant cook. i cant do anything. i have passions for so many thigns. but i just cant do them. all of you, with talents. with passions and hobbies and activities and classes.....i envy you. i am jealous. and you are very very lucky.

i just wish i had something to call my own..........i cant even keep a steady friend for more than a few months. THIS IS SO FUCKED. i hate you people.

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