Bathrooms

my topic: bathrooms. they make me feel two different ways, just like everything else. the floors. and the walls. at school. the bathroom floor makes me feel dirty, used, unclean, unpure, shitty, contaminated, and worthless. they make me want to lay on them, curl into a ball and die. i hate them. yet, i kinda like em when you walk on em without shoes. i still feel dirty tho. but when people write with marker on the little trashcan things and the walls and doors and stuff. i feel, so, secretive and special and alone and lucky. i feel like im peering into someone else's life. i feel like i dont have my own.
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ive felt like shit all day. literally. i have puffy, red, swollen, dry eyes. from crying. i have a sore throat from sobbing so much. my head aches. my temperature feels like its burning. and i have a sore chest. all in my upper chest, under my ribs and basically, my heart and lungs and the muscle around there HURT SO BAD. i cant even slightly poke my chest, itll hurt so badly. alyssa says: broken heart. my mental state? idk. indescribale. almost. i feel like phil told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again. i know/hope its not true but thats how i feel. i feel so utterly alone. the only time ive laughed today? when matt k and i were talking about the evil grey-haired lady at pius that i ran from. lol. stupid whore. oh man. this is fucking insane. ALL I WANT IS PHIL. THATS IT. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK? i certainly hope not. i love him so much that the past few events have my heart hurting so painfully. cutting myself would be like a slight poke compared to this pain. ive never felt anything like this. its like im scared that he'll finally give in and drop me like his mother so desperately wants. if it makes him happy, it pretend to take it easy. but inside, id die. but hed be happy right? i just wish i could hear him say he love me. to hear him say he needs me. if only......then maybe my pain would go away. i get butterflies at the though of hearing his voice again. if you took away the pain, itd be like when we first started dating. i think thats pathetic that i get so worked about being able to hear him. i want to hold him. to kiss him everywhere. to kiss his closed eyelids and sing him a sad, soft lullaby, and watch him sleep and tell him dreams as he sleeps and hope that hes dreaming of me. to wake him up in the morning and kiss him everywhere again. ill kiss him for every tear he might have shed and twice for every tear i shed. ill kiss away the pain, the tears and the mistakes. if only i could hold him.