Last day

as far as everyone, including me, is concerned, this is my last day at lns. there was a bug on my ear in geometry and now im kinda paranoid. its matt vs me again. and idk 'who told him what' or even 'wtf hes talking about' but w/e it is, couldnt it have waited till i was gone? i mean, wtf? jesus. talk about a great friend. i knew i shouldnt trust anybody. i was hurt three times yesterday. and then matt does it again. one of the times was matt yesterday. the other two? we wont go into that. but one made me hurt so bad i cried myself to sleep. and now today? SO MUCH FOR A SWEET GOODBYE! seeing phil almost made up for it. atleast i havent been killed yet. you know. i wish i had a promise ring to give to phil. like, like an engagement ring. of sorts. id marry him today if it were legal. why? so that i know i never have to worry about being broken hearted. so i can feel the promise of always having him there. i thought matt was nice? i thought matt gave a damn bcuz he fought with me in that damned rainstorm? well, you know what? PHIL WOULD HAVE TOLD ME HOW MUCH I MEAN TO HIM IN THAT RAINSTORM. HE WOULD HAVE HELD ME AND PROMISED TO GIVE ME FOREVER. atleast, i think he would. i have the hiccups. damnit. damn you hiccups. i should have kept it! i should have kept it and taken it with me to illinois to have forever. jesus im stupid. im gonna cry. i dont want to leave. i just wish some people would give me a fucking chance to explain myself. i also wish that mandy a, fat liz, and annie e were dead. im gonna be so far from derek now, it wont even be funny. odd thing is, when i pretend i have no friends, the thought of moving in with my mom is kinda promising. maybe just to finish out the year and maybe a week in the summer? maybe? im only worried about leaving phil, moica, claire, derek and alyssa. oh well i guess. i get what i deserve....which is total shit in every aspect of my life.

Goodbye

This word wasn’t meant to be said
Till graduation day.
Will you say goodbye,
One written in hugs and tears?
When I’m 392 stars away from you
Will your eyes sparkle
With memories and dreams?
I can sit in a farmer’s town
With the traveler and the fireman,
And see the dreams I’ve always remembered.
500 Miles in a mixed movie, Nsync and dance moves.
Catholic dances, and Valentine’s Day.
Photo shots and equal measures, someday.
My birthday party, lipgloss, maybe lollipop.
Swivel chairs, performances, and typing words next to you.
Ace impressions, kitty cats and re-enactments.
The band that really did go out the window.
Gel-pens, playing games and 4 grade.
Instant sad messages about a boy we wish we had.
2 weeks to get a chance I never had, one I’ll dream of.
These memories, they stick with me.
Inside a dream in the middle of a field
I’ll see your smiling face and remember
Every kind thing you’ve ever said to me.
I wish I had more to offer you
More to give to your memories of me
But the past is past and that will have to do.
I’ll come back again
For visits and maybe to join you in your quest
For that piece of paper entitling us to better jobs.
The choice I made ruined everything
And for that I apologize.
Epiphanies to a better way,
And you helped along the way.
I wish to thank you for the help you gave.
I’d kiss all your tears away in memories of me,
I wish I had something better to leave you with
Then goodbye.
I <3 You