Girl, Interrupted

i just finished GI after falling asleep during it last night. now, when i rented the movie i promised my dad and myself that i wouldnt connect with it in anyway and that i wouldnt try to be like sussanna. i hate to say it....but.....BPD. i have it. thats that. if anyone knew me as well as i know myself then youd know. but nobody does. cuz, people worry. you cant say you're feelings to someone when they're so totally biased upon wellbeing. just bcuz i feel something strongly or have a certain feeling or thought....doesnt mean im going to put the plan into full action. like sussanna, she could tell someone, her journal. i cant, for thelife of me, put pen to paper. i have no one to talk to really. i mean. biased people like callen and amtt and my parents will never really understand whats its like to be a freak on the inside and wonderfully, happily normal on the outside. people like bailey and julia and such other goths at my school, know. but, it was julia who got me sent there. i didnt take 30, honestly, i swear to god. i took 2 extra wellbutrins, a couple ny-quil shit things, and some zyrtec. thats it. less than ten i swear. NOT 30. fuck. i mean, i cant really recover from something that wasnt diagnosed. can i? no. bpd. i dotn ahve casual sex no.... but everything else is right. BORDERLINE FUCKING PERSONALITY FUCKING DISORDER. that means im on edge. and im crazy. out of control. unstable relationships. unstable life. unstable THOUGHTS! FUCK YOU. im not crazy. its the movie. honest. i swear. im not suposed to be shaking am i? or, like, crying and such. NO IM NOT. AND IM NOT CRAZY. its not voices. just memories. memories of everyone whos called me a freak, a whore, a bitch, a pieace of shit.....everything. all those memories are being brought from the back of my head into my ears. WELL FUCK ALL OF YOU. im like daisy.....playing a perfect barbie doll, so happy and perfect and healthy but my body is cut up like a piece of food. lettuce maybe, cheese idk, something. something cut up a lot. and yes, JUST LIKE DAISY, i when the razor breaks the skin, i pray for the courage to push deeper and deeper, to the bone. idk. im so confused. i mean, i didnt USED to be crazy. and im sure all the abuse from my mom is th equivalant to being dropped, no, THROWN on my head several hundered times. MY FEELINGS FUCK WITH THEMSELVES, MATT DOESNT AHVE TO FUCK WITH THEM AND EITHER DOES ERIC OR MY DAD OR MY CATS. I DONT CARE. ok. thats that. i used to care, and when i did, they took away my meds and my therapy. my happiness. they took it all away when i cared. bpds ARE NOT LAZY LITTLE GIRLS! WE'RE NOT SPOILED EITHER. my god.......i dont care. im caring about maybe five thigns right now. but not me. fuck me. SO I GIVE UP. im going to get dressed. have some milk and play a game. till i leave. till then, FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.