Take It Easy (Love Nothing) - Bright Eyes

im home early. i got home an hour ago at 1:30. i attended school, feeling happy and addicted to my caffine pills. i was happy. giggly. excited. glad to be alive. now, i want to be dead. i want to die. again, god strips me of somethign that made me happy. tyler tardy, a friend to me, very close, is now dead. the late tyler tardy. i feel bad for stina, i wanted to hug her really bad but i couldnt find her. i was in 4th period and all these people were talking shit, and then i go, who are you talking about? and they go tyler tardy. and i asked them why they feel inclined to speak of him in such a way and i figured it was bcuz he got into a fight or locked up. he's dead. car accident. i mean, its one thing not able to see him for six months when he's locked up. BUT I'LL NEVER FUCKING SEE HIM AGAIN. NEVER. i was sitting in physical science, two periods later, when it hit me. right now, i could be in tyler's car smoking a cigarette and laughing at his jokes. i almost skipped to go to lunch with aaron and, then, i realised, i wouldnt have any place to go inbetween lunches. never again will i sit in his green station wagon and smoke with him. he came to my party with michelle and mike. *yes, the two dumbfucks that post on my tagboard* im gonna miss him. man, do i feel bad for stina. i mean, and like, phil. he's expecting death. he knows its coming. this, jsut, i came to school to see that tyler's dead. i cant stand it. its impossible. i mean, never ever again will i see him. bad thing is, last time i saw him and spoke to him, i told him to fuck off bcuz i was pissed off and didnt want to speak to him after being an asshole to me. i told him to fuck off and that he's an asshole. I ENVER GOT TO SAY SORRY. I NEEVR HAD ONE LAST CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE. just like i feared with phil that one night. i never had one last moment. for all he knows i still hate him or something. im so sorry. tyler, idk if there's computers and the internet in heaven, but im so sorry. im sooooo very sorry. please forgive me. i didnt mean it and i miss you. i really do. i wish you could come back. ill see you in heaven tyler.
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i cant see phil today unless i just drive over there to drop off the letter. if dad will let me. he wont be home till 6 cuz he came to pick me up and take me home. i dont wanna be alive anymore. i wanna be dead. i dont want this. i dont want to go on and never see someone who meant to much to me ever again. i hate it. i never have cried over death till now. i mean, never. never. ever. think of that word. never. it's so final. he's DEAD. i called dad and said i didnt feel good, that my head hurt and my friend died and i wanted to go home. my dad asked who and i cried. i tried to say everything quiet so i didnt get forced into that crisis team bullshit. but, i jsut went all out. even jamie and i were crying together. i couldnt bear it. i collected my homework and everyone asked me if i was gonna be ok. im not gonna be ok but they dont know that. i took some wellbutrin out of pure spite to TRY and make them work. i dont want to go to school tomorrow. i really dont. i dont want to go on. i want to see phil and then die tonight. i want what tyler gets. WHY HIM? WHY GOD? THEY TEH FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO HATE US AND TAKE AWAY SUCH A GOOD PERSON. WHY? WHY DO YOU STRIP ME OF FRIENDS? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO? WHY COULDNT IT AHVE BEEN SOMEONE I DONT KNOW? WHY ONE OF MY FRIENDS? WHY SO YOUNG? HE WAS ONLY A SENIOR. HE WASNT EVEN OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL! YOU SUCK GOD AND I HATE YOU. FUCK YOU! i hope i die tonight.