Nobody Fears Death:

I've been thinking lately. I think I'm going downhill for some reason. One night, after waltzing through the Sunken Gardens with Evan, I realized that, we don't fear death. Death, it's self is not what people fear. I do not fear death. What I fear is the fact that I have NO IDEA what is going to happen once it happens. It's like Zero Hour......the moment where you're dead and it's right before you realize what happens. I mean, do you start over? Do you go somewhere? Do you just evaporate? That, my friends, is what I'm scared of. I'm scared that if I did what everyone has considered at one point, something even worse would happen. The one reason. The SOLE reason I have not commited this act is purely because I am scared of what I do not know. Don't fucking flatter yourself to think that you're such an amazing person that I would put up with this daily, tick-tocking bullshit for you and only you. Don't sit there thinking that your tiny, meaningless exsistance as a fucking piece of shit ant would convince me that counting down minutes, counting down hours, measuring my day by a fucking plastic circle and the amount of cigarettes I had is worth it. Every single person that trots along down the god damn sidewalk thinking they meant something to someone is just in fucking denial. You all are fucking stupid. You don't realize that each breath you take is a countdown. You don't realize that you fucking struggle everyday for money, for stability, for credit, for security. What the fuck will security do for you when a drunk driver smashes into you in a kiss between tons fo metal and glass and fire? What will security do for you as the bullet does its dance through your fucking skin and blasts your fuckign brain to pieces? I hate work, I use up my money, I want to be numb. I want every fucking feeling to go away. What is feeling but a fucking illusion when, once again, it all fucking ends? Everything fucking ends. You struggle and stress and freak out about your entire fuckign life for every little fucking thing, and then, you're dead before you fucking know it. I sit by, I breath in chemicals, exhale, repeat......making measurements, watchign time go by waiting for the next thing to come and watch it fail to please me horribly. Watch as the world crumbles down slowly, and soon it will be kneeling at it's own fucking feet. Every day I try to smile, I try to mean something, to someone, to be worth something. All I can do is wait for something so horrible to happen that I'm no longer afraid. Wait for a fucking illness, a death, a longing, something to happen that hurts me so much that the longing to feel nothing is so immense that I'm no longer afraid. And slowly, you all will realize this and see that that's all you fucking tools are waiting for in life. A god damn reason to die. That's all you're here for.



[And the worst part of waiting, is sitting there, in the corner of your bathtub thinking all of this over. Reading this and seeing the vicious circle in your head and it's enough to tell you that the need to feel numb is overpowering.]



Have a nice day.