Today

today has reeked. i mean reeked out loud! well, idk. but i wish i knew what is going on with matt. why the fuck does he have to almost cry over this, but then act a different way when others are around? ahhhh! just pick a feeling and stick with it, please. you fucking ass. you know what? you are an ass. for confusing me. if ________ means so much to you THEN TELL ME! jesus fucking christ. fuck. i can be happy, if you stop making me cry. god. tomorrow, im calling you, and you're answering every god damn question or else ill go homicidal on your fucking ass. i swear. some people.
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i got to see claire which made everything kind of ok. she dyed her hair and its really cute. i <3 her with all my heart. personally, she is my BEST friend. over anyone else. her and i are gonna re-memorize the nsync dvd and dance it together. yay. we're gonna be pop stars later on in life. i swear. we'll bring pop abck and make it hardcore.
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talked to phil. norma convos. i made farting noises.
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aargh! CANT YOU PRETEND LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING? FUCK. i feel so used. 1) for the scrapbook and 2)bcuz i really want to believe everything he said but he probably told annie the same thing. which makes me feel so horribly ugly. gr.
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a move performed by nsync in atleast 1999 i believe in teh song space cowboy on their hbo special was made fun of on a major scale when perfomed by ashlee simpson. the hoe-down jig. they do it in the chorus, with a dance sequance used to fill in the gap from the original song with Left Eye Lopez of TLC. yeah. from nsync to ashlee. maybe she just looked plain stupid. cuz they make up for it with pelvic thrusts.
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dancing to nsync makes me forget about how baffled and depressed i am. and how much i DO care. i hate you.

Pee

omfg i have to pee so bad. lol. woke up at 4 this morning, and then curled up on the couch attempting to keep warm and fell asleep till 6:22. damnit. i could not wake up till 6:3? and i was so pissed. i havent eaten in so long. im so hungry. how the hell can my body be attempting to get rid of stuff? lol. i figured out that matt is a robot. he has no emotions. he has no likes, dislikes or fucking petpeeves. he just focuses on making people happy. he's a robot programmed to make people smile. nothing else. no other emotion, ive never seen him sad. or pissed. or hurt. especially hurt. he's too fake to be hurt. he's a robot with a pretty face. and im not falling for it like everyone else. end of story. mmmm the killers. if i DO move *which i prolly wont now* i'm taking my guitar AND bass and then im gonna buy a keyboard and learn to play every Killers song on each instrument. goooo me. i talked to phil last night. alot. oh, i took pictures yesterday. it's really sweet. i'll upload them if i get my internet back since im at school right now. i really like my new book. The Other Side of The Story by Marian Keyes. i read her book Sushi For Beginners. it was awesome. she's from the uk/ireland so i like to read the book in whispers with a british acccent sometimes. lol. im weird. i figured that out this morning. i like the teletubbies, green eyes, chinese, star wars, britain, preppy clothes AND band shirts, mushrooms *pictures mind you*, incense, candles that smell like coffee,baked goods or exotic fruits ONLY, the killers, ben gibbard, lil jon and billy gilman, im into local rock, i want to be an english teacher in france and write a book, and i want to be a photographer, i like vampires, dark chocolate, beaches, caramel, sex, licorice, big eyes, big lips, muscular bodies but i dont want it to show alot unless they flex, innocence, british music, reading, painting, family guy, spongebob, music videos, kissing *boys and girl*, emo guys, and the internet. i think that's WAY too mixed to be put into any damn category. i dont like it. i do, but i dont. im just fucking weird. damnit. mike likes my new shirt, and that really made my day! but, i gotta go in a min. phil, you need to blog you buttnugget. i love you phil. and mike and derek. but not like i love phil. ya know? yeah. loves.
-Brittni

Last day

as far as everyone, including me, is concerned, this is my last day at lns. there was a bug on my ear in geometry and now im kinda paranoid. its matt vs me again. and idk 'who told him what' or even 'wtf hes talking about' but w/e it is, couldnt it have waited till i was gone? i mean, wtf? jesus. talk about a great friend. i knew i shouldnt trust anybody. i was hurt three times yesterday. and then matt does it again. one of the times was matt yesterday. the other two? we wont go into that. but one made me hurt so bad i cried myself to sleep. and now today? SO MUCH FOR A SWEET GOODBYE! seeing phil almost made up for it. atleast i havent been killed yet. you know. i wish i had a promise ring to give to phil. like, like an engagement ring. of sorts. id marry him today if it were legal. why? so that i know i never have to worry about being broken hearted. so i can feel the promise of always having him there. i thought matt was nice? i thought matt gave a damn bcuz he fought with me in that damned rainstorm? well, you know what? PHIL WOULD HAVE TOLD ME HOW MUCH I MEAN TO HIM IN THAT RAINSTORM. HE WOULD HAVE HELD ME AND PROMISED TO GIVE ME FOREVER. atleast, i think he would. i have the hiccups. damnit. damn you hiccups. i should have kept it! i should have kept it and taken it with me to illinois to have forever. jesus im stupid. im gonna cry. i dont want to leave. i just wish some people would give me a fucking chance to explain myself. i also wish that mandy a, fat liz, and annie e were dead. im gonna be so far from derek now, it wont even be funny. odd thing is, when i pretend i have no friends, the thought of moving in with my mom is kinda promising. maybe just to finish out the year and maybe a week in the summer? maybe? im only worried about leaving phil, moica, claire, derek and alyssa. oh well i guess. i get what i deserve....which is total shit in every aspect of my life.

Goodbye

This word wasn’t meant to be said
Till graduation day.
Will you say goodbye,
One written in hugs and tears?
When I’m 392 stars away from you
Will your eyes sparkle
With memories and dreams?
I can sit in a farmer’s town
With the traveler and the fireman,
And see the dreams I’ve always remembered.
500 Miles in a mixed movie, Nsync and dance moves.
Catholic dances, and Valentine’s Day.
Photo shots and equal measures, someday.
My birthday party, lipgloss, maybe lollipop.
Swivel chairs, performances, and typing words next to you.
Ace impressions, kitty cats and re-enactments.
The band that really did go out the window.
Gel-pens, playing games and 4 grade.
Instant sad messages about a boy we wish we had.
2 weeks to get a chance I never had, one I’ll dream of.
These memories, they stick with me.
Inside a dream in the middle of a field
I’ll see your smiling face and remember
Every kind thing you’ve ever said to me.
I wish I had more to offer you
More to give to your memories of me
But the past is past and that will have to do.
I’ll come back again
For visits and maybe to join you in your quest
For that piece of paper entitling us to better jobs.
The choice I made ruined everything
And for that I apologize.
Epiphanies to a better way,
And you helped along the way.
I wish to thank you for the help you gave.
I’d kiss all your tears away in memories of me,
I wish I had something better to leave you with
Then goodbye.
I <3 You

School

school so far has been amazing. i wanted to give matt his note before 2nd period and he stood there conversing with mandy as if id be there forever. well i wont. and finally i snapped and i yelled. i felt bad tho. i didnt mean it. alyssa has helped alot. and i miss claire like poo. and in english, i spent the time talking to the police about mike. and i talked makani during geometry. ive had Dirty Pop stuck in my head all day. lol claire. mm, savage garden. this song's for you phil. I Knew I Loved You by savage garden. mm yes. i get to see phil today. :D talk about lucky. im so excited to see him. alyssa took a picture of matt and i. i get a copy. it makes me happy. im gonna take pictures tomorrow. yay. x10. mm aaliyah. yes. i miss tyler. and im PRAYING i move in with my mom and im not put into boarding school. i get to see phil today and thats all im worried about. honestly. i mean, i dont see why dad wont let me see phil after so long especially if im moving. im gonna miss phil and claire the most. its so totally not fair. im typing this without looking at the keyboard and mostly away from the place there my letters are being typed. g2g, i gotta write matts notes.

Bye

goodbye to those im leaving. now, i have to move. and soon, bcuz one) i got caught smoking pot and two)i ratted out some people who are potential threats to my safety and dad thinks i could die. im scared either way. im gonna miss everyone. i lvoe you all. all of you have been so important to me.if i die, please dont be sad. i'll watch over everyone. i have to miss baseball games. i have to miss french club. i dont wanna go. i didnt mean to. im so sorry. i love you guys.

Lyrics

These cuts are leaving creases
Trace the scars, fit the peices
Tell your story, you don't need to say a word.
Call off the calvary, can't save a wretch like me.
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.
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Careful now,
You're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful
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Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
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dashboard confessional makes my heart seem written.

Killers

havent listened to the killers in a while. its like looking back to new years. the people, the fights, the presents, the late ngiht with the random colors and the tears strewn across a pillow that isnt mine. oh well. its better then listening to seether. ugh. claire spent the day over here yesterday. :D lol. we came home and did some work on our oral comm projects, then atempted to attend the JV LNS vs PIUS baseball game but apparently it was cancelled. NOBODY told us that. we did NOT hear announcements. and it made me really sad but billy said it SHOULD be rescheduled. the billy and the katie arent dating. i feel bad for em but he seemed happy. i swear to fucking god that i need a damn heater in my room. like a personal heater bcuz it is WAY too cold in here. i fucking hate the cold, and then i have to fuck with the temp of the whole house so that i dont DIE! you guys have no idea. it is literally freezing. so cold that the water on my body from the shower doesnt dry. it just kinda stays there. omg but yesterday, claire and i ate steak, talked to matt *who i swear just got laid cuz he was all hyper* and i kinda got mad at how claire was being so rude and questioning my trust in him. that ticks me off. x10. but then we hid in my room and i finished my posters. and then we did something *not sexual like* and we ate, i had fishstickes and she had nachos. and i did the dishes and we watched family guy and i made her pass out so bad that she fell to the floor and was like twitching and groaning. i got it to work and dalton didnt. lol. but it was pretty sweet. and then she went home adn i called El Matt-o. we talked and i told him all the stuff that i was feeling and i think i made him feel bad. lets jsut hope he realises who the better person is. im praying. just today, hell atleast tell me what i want to hear. im hoping. praying i guess. i miss phil. in more ways then one. :( life sucks big fat nuts right now. except for claire. she makes everything ok. oh, baseball game today and tomorrow. booyah!

Yahoo

i now have yahoo messenger. TheseTearsForYoux yay for me. itchy back. matts not here today. annie doesnt have school and either does phil. coincidance? i think not. oh well. pius vs lns today and i cant go. :( damnit. everybody loves my powerpoint presentation in french. :D lol. im kinda sad. and tired. oh well, ill sleep thru lunch since i dont really eat much anymore. ive had alot of sugar today and thats bad. steak for dinner. FUCKING YUM. im gonna eat fishsticks when i get home. claire's coming over so we can make our posters for oral comm. you wanna know one of my favorite emotions? nervousness. the adrenaline, the shakiness, the insecurities. yeah boy. i just had a dream of seeing phil again. i keep getting this feeling that hell surprise me at my house and like, just walk in and attack me. idk. i highly doubt his mom would even let me hug him when i see him next. dude. i think i just died. i sneezed while plugging my nose and my ears POPPED. lol. i think im deaf and im just hearing this song in my head. oh no. im dead. my ears hurt now. and im all sweaty. im gonna nap now. im bored. love

-Brittni

Lyrics

'i like you, just the way you are, when we're, driving in your car'
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i hate to post avril lyrics but talk about putting feelings into words. lol. mm, breakfast. whats for breakfast? coffee with lo-carb sugar, fat-free creamer and skim milk and lowfat yogurt. it amazes me at how much low-fat food i eat. lol. a few years ago, i would have SLAPPED my dad for even suggesting that i eat healthier. but then again, i DID hit 128 yesterday. my goal? 125. yeah boy! but, im also beginning to work out. i did 15 minutes on the stair stepper yesterday, so i gotta do some toning reps on the weight bench, mostly for my legs and tummy, but i gotta do my arms or ill look funny. lol. but im proud of the work i got done yesterday. i really am. i worked out, i mowed the lawn, i CLEANED my room, i curled my hair all pretty, i talked to monica, and i got to really sit and think about some things. none of my opinions or ideas have changes except one. i need to be nicer. i mean, i need to be happy and nicer. im happy 99% of the time at school. every now and then something will come up *MATT* and ill be sad, but thats ok. thats what happens when you PMS and someone else doesnt trust you. anyways. if i were nicer, and happier, id be more motivated to get work done *ala sunday* and therefore being even happier. the happier i am, the more motivated i am to work out. and do my homework. the happier i am, the nicer i am. im glad i was nice to stina. she deserves it. maybe evn more then most people, especially after the way i treated her. but here's the thing. im only 16 and im a woman, therefore i CANNOT be nice to everyone or people will be thinking im trying to be "pure". lol. i can gossip and be mean to the people who are mean to me first. ie ray, liz, ashley, etc etc. im glad ive made this decision and im excited to see where it takes me. the only problem im gonna have is having people notice it. school, SOME people might notice like mike or claire. matt? idk. alyssa? nope. but at home. whos really gonna notice? mike? hell no *lmao derek, HECK YES lol* dad? maybe. if im nice enough to be considered pure for like a fucking week, then JUST MAYBE. lol. dude, my cat just fucking attacked my face so he could have my yogurt. fuck you butters. lol. he gets to lick the insides when im done. oh yes, props to the person to gues molly shannon, but who was it? ok, i have a vanilla air-freshner thing for my room *where its shaped like a round triangle and you pull the top to expose the smelly gooey stuff ya know?* and vanilla floor powder, vanilla spray, vanilla creamer, vanilla toothpaste, vanilla gum, vanilla candles and vanilla incense. can we say obsessed? lol. i think people underestimate my obsession with vanilla. fuckers. lol. mm, i can smell the vanilla. lol. i have a question. is it good or bad when you can smell someone on your shirt? cuz i could smell someone the other day and someone else could smell me yesterday. good or bad? it made me happy but im curious as to how they felt about it. i could smell matt on friday and while monica, claire and i were jamming out to acdc, i could smell him and i thought it was claire. baseball players are hotter then football players. baseball players are *99% of the time* alot leaner then football players. take phil compared to denton or tucker. matt compared to kyle. altho kyle plays baseball, hes not that good. sad thing is, im not that into baseball, im a hockey girl. then agian, he could play hockey in winter and baseball in spring. mmm yes, talk about a hunk. lol. i gotta go super soon and straighten my hair and then re-curl it. lol. so i look perty for my adoring fans. lmao. w/e. im a loser.
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<3 Brittni
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p.s. derek, that whole day is completely consensual. plus, it may be expensive to get you drunk/high enough that you dont remember. lol. do not sue me. besides, you never know, you might enjoy it! ;) love you hun!

Song

to an extremely special someone.
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"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you into my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

P****

who the fuck does this look like? derek, you cant answer. lol. comment and tell me. winner gets a prize!

Such Great Heights

so, brittni's weekend rocked.
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friday, i had claire stay the night. DrM came over for '10 to 15' mins and it ended up being over an hour. i think claire got mad. monica came over, we ate at mcdonalds. went to walmart. pretended to steal little canned sausages. went to my house and watched phil's gift. :( BUT IT ROCKS SO BITE ME. lol. claire, monica and i had a blast. monica went home and matt arrived again and calire and i werent allowd outside. fucking dad. so we went to bed.
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sat, we woke up and got dressed and monica picked us up and we ate at amigos. we were making farting sounds again. lol. then we went to see this tree house and these fourthgraders were in it. lol. so we hung out there. then went back to monicas car and ended up chasing DrM around the businesses in the highlands. i slid across the seat once and smacked my head against the window. then we almost got hit by a red truck. we met him at the roundabout. everybody went to my house. there was a huge pillow fight between DrM and i and DrM and claire. DrM tried to bring monica into it but he just ended up pissing her off and she beat the crap out of him with a pillow. it was soooooo funny. then we watched family guy. and i got whipped with a dishtowel and i have a fucking welt on the inside of my thigh. and, eventaully he had to leave bcuz his dad threw a fit about him spending so much time with me *his dad thought we were alone* and then my dad drove claire, monica and i out to osco. we got home and ate licorice and talked. phil called. :) then monica and claire went home. i dyed my hair. i went to walmart. got new shoes, did two new paintings, got vanilla spray, and gum and a frame for my ribbons. talked to matt, did some cleanign and went to bed.
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today, i woke up around 8:50 but didnt fully come to or get out of bed till 10:40 something. i had a dream about someone. someone who finally kissed me at this party. and i ended up naked, then in jeans and a wintercoat. but no undies. no bra. lol. idk. maybe it means im comfortable aroudn him. idk. but i got up, talked to monica, had a piece of bacon, got some coffee and now im blogging, drinking coffee and eating chexmix. ive got to uber-clean my room today. whcih means clothes, trash and organizing. not too bad if i do ti SUPER fast. lol. then i gotta mow and shower then, if im luckign enough to have DrM call, ill fucking hang out with him. but he doesnt call me of his own accord. so im prolly not busy after 4. oh well. so much for hopes and dreams. ill psot my paintings on here once i finish the touch ups. ttyl. i gotta clean now. loves
-Brittni

Friday

i woke up this morning. and i dont remember my alarmclock being on when i woke up. idk y. bcuz i remember turning it on. thats the last thing i remember before climbing into bed and passing out.
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ok, you wanna know how screwed i am? i used my cellphone in illinois. BAD FUCKING IDEA. 92 dollars in roaming charges. everytime i called phil, which i was allowed to do back then, it costed alot of money. and my brother and i have total overdone our minutes. 250 some dollars. for our phonebill. that includes my phone, mikes phone and dads phone. dad is so pissed. i asked him if we had milk and he goes I CANT AFFORD IT. dumbass. but hey, he ordered star wars tickets for 10pm on May 19th. talk about fucking sweet.
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i gave DrM the painting and the poems. he liked the poems. we sat in his car for a little while and ate licorice. it was the best licorice ive ever had. we kinda just hung out. and then did the picture thing. i opened his fone....bad idea. i wont say any more. oh, yeah, DrM's game got cancelled of course which means he doesnt pitch saturday! his coach is kind of an ass. but im going to go anyways. i invited some friends to the movies tonight but now, bcuz of my dad, idk if i can get any money. which is really fucking gay. bcuz i wanted to hang out with these people. i dont have to present my speech today. but ill prolly have to on monday, so this weekend, i gotta make my visual aids. i think i have a mosquito bite on my neck. i didnt do my geometry. i think im going straight to claires after school. idk. but i wont have my cell, so if i do, im not calling dad until like 6 when ill prolyl be driving around. which reminds me, i gotta finish phils birthday gift. and i gota make my tummy not hurt the way it does bcuz it makes me cry. i guess it needs more ibuprofen. shit i gotta dry my clothes. dammmmmnnnitt.
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phil called yesterday. apparently he left his messenger on and his mom went downstairs only to see a window of an instant message from me. he forgot to shut it off. she's fuming again. im starting to think maybe you should abide by her rules phil. so, he was this close to being ungrouded on monday....and yeah. once again we fail in our attempt to get past her dumbass-ness.
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ok, im stuck on sad love songs. end of goddamn story. sad love songs. hmm, i wonder why? know me well enough adn youll know the exact reason. omg my eyes want to fucking shut. on their own. i hate it. i still have to do my makeup, my hair *damn* and put on my clothes which are being dried right now. oh, and make coffeeeeee.
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i love you.
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Brittni

Yeah

i could spin around in circles with my arms spread wide in the middle of school and i wouldnt care. i went to sleep at 12:46 and now it's 4:42. i was on MON PHONE. lol. the white of blogger hurts my eyes. i have to type pretty much ALL of my speech now and at school. ill prolly do it in the morning once the library opens. i should get done by then. i might have a teeny while to type during oral comm. maybe even in novanet. lol. ok, just fell asleep for a moment. oops. lol. lets see. last ngiht, my friend and i discussed my stupidity, baseball pants, and alot of personal information. i mean ALOT. all i know is im so fucking jealous of one god damn person right now. ok, brittni has to stay awake. which means keep typing. type brittni type! go dog go! lol. i got high yesterday with claire. yesterday was 420 thats why. WOOT. we even did it at 4:20. but then i ended up calling DrM and sayin something stupid. im igving him my love/hate painting. killed by bees. lol. i never thought i could be happier. and i havent gained anything. at all. i just told him how i feel. and the fact that i want him happy. i made him cry i think. idk if they were good or bad tears. im hoping good tears. FUCK YOU SHARK! lol. im soooooo happy. and a big dude punches you in the face! lmao. omfg im taking pictures today. a whole ton. of my bestest friends. claire, monica, alyssa, josh, kelli, and DrM in his baseball pants. lmao. DrM has a baseball game tonight. GO GATORS! and monica, claire and i are going, of course. claire is coming home with me, my dad's taking us and we're meeting monica at the athletic doors and we're all going together. i swear to god if he sneaks looks at me the whole time again,ill beat him up. i will. mr. i-think-im-gonna-wink-at-pretty-girls-even-tho-im-suposed-to-be-playing-baseball. lol. we've figured out DrM's secret to his very sexy, very toned body. he lifts furniture for his dad. omg, ok, today, reserve at 5. sat, reserve at1. monday, jv at 5?, and tuesday, reserve at 5? idk the times for monday and tuesday. but im going to ALL of those games. why the JV game? bcuz lns plays pius so im gonna watch pius get their asses beat. that and claire never got to see dylan. GO GATORS! teehee. and i keep the meanest, cleanest, baddest feeling on stainless wheels. lol. sry. omg tho. im so happy. just clean up that 'dirty spot' and we're 100% happy. i think hes gonna do it tho. i just have that feeling. he might not but, oh well. his loss. right? right. besides, no matter how close he is to her, i have her beat and he knows it. someday, he'll let me do what i want. and his see it all. bye everyone.
-Brittni

Gr

well, i dont have to write notes. nor do i have to smile. even tho i am. omg im happy. for a while it was "dear heart, i met a boy today, prepare to shatter" and now everything is ok. im afraid of a certain person being right tho. oh well. itll work its self out.
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DrM is sick today. i thought it was bcuz his friend doesnt have school but i was wrong. if his dad leaves, hes gonna come get me. maybe claire too. we dont know. but bcuz hes sick hell miss baseball and i dont think hell be able to come over. monica and i are gonna drive to his house and bring him a little get well card and some candy. fucking claire told monica everything. im kinda mad at claire. that was fucked up. oh well. man, hes not here and im so sad about it. maybe he can stop by tomorrow. well, there's a game tomorrow, ill just have him take me home. and we can hang out then. atleast, i hope we can. i feel like im bugging him. i just wish i knew what he is thinking bcuz im praying its what i think it is. im ready for a nap. and since matt isnt here, i might nap during lunch. unless he calls. lol. then im leaving. which i would like so much. idc if hes coughing. i wish the time im waiting for would come sooner. omg. lol. nvmd. oh man. lol. GET OUT OF MY HEAD DAMNIT.
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poem time asswipers.
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Rain Drops
water outlined your creasing smile
I could feel my eyes water
not only at your words
but at the rising amount of longing that
grew inside my mind.
the lightning would flash across your face
navy to purple white to navy again.
you held my hand and looked into my eyes
and i tried not to, but i cried.
i wanted you to feel the same
way i did for you.
my mind was crashing down on itself
when you spoke to me of her.
how i wish she were me.
and id give anything
to know you wanted me.

rain

the rain sounds like its right next to me. like it was on monday. the thunder is angry and i cant see the changes in the light anymore. the rain was angry for a little while too. i like it. but i ruin the natural sounds with dane cook.
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im so happy. DrM and i talked last night for so long! we even sat on the hood of his ghetto car. i feel kinda bad about the whole monica thing but him and i decided to leave that alone. umm, we talked about me alot which makes me kinda......mad. idk y. i realised how much i love myself.....and the fact that im afriad to show it to the people that matter. oh, and the envy, the worthlessness. but every time we talk, and i cry, i feel a little more special. i feel loved and special and cared for and all that jazz. i felt like something bad was leaving me. i was glad to have somebody's eyes meet mine when i look up from crying. im glad to have someone to tell me its ok to cry, and then when i do it, he makes a wis crack about his damn baseball uniform.....LOL CLAIRE!.
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i saw my first lns baseball game today. and my first highschool baseball game. lns reserve vs lincoln high reserve. we won. idk the score. DrM pitched 3 out of 4 innings i think it was. i got there just before he started pitching too, it was great. we did awesome. and sabrina gave her number to the #9 player from lincoln high. lol. he wasnt cute. and his face was covered in FRECKLES! omg. they were huge. only like skin cancer things. of course, claire was molested as soon as we got there by erika. aka muchachikie. aka balloon-penis with stone-balls. lol. there's a home game thursday! WOOT! but DrM dont pitch and idk if monicas going. i KNOW claire is. woot. and then a game saturday. and then next monday we're going to see JV play against pius. yes! hopefully sabrina isnt going to all the ones we plan to visit. that wouldnt be too cool. shes trying to join our road-trip to amityville this summer. but. yeah, claire and i are kinda becoming baseball junkies. only cuz she wants to see jordan tho. omg, DrM and i kinda had this silent convo from his bunch to the bleachers and you could see kyle's face get all red and contorted. lmao. it was hilarious. omfg. baseball pants = VISABLE BULGE! hahahaha. and of course DrM madee his obvious and stood sideways to sabrina, claire and i and had his fists behind his hips. lol. omfg. it was hilarious. sabrina and i would look over and BOOM there's a huge bulge in our god damn way and we'd laugh so hard. but then, we'd stop. or atleast i did cuz i was sick of having my vision blinded by bulges. sabrina nicknamed DrM Tripod. lol. claire and i christened him Biggie. then, DrM was taking claire and i home, and on the way, we were in front of sabrina and i went to stick my hand out of my window to wave behind us ya know? BOOM! muthafuckin nigger! i acctually said that too, right by lincoln high. i had punched the glass. go me. damnit.
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today? gotta be happy and write a shitload of notes. acctually, one a period. somehow, i also have to get money to eat breakfast with and my dad's digi-camera to take pictures with. WOOT X10! im so happy.
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he told me everything i wanted to hear. and we were both honest.
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i love this.

love you phil

Rain

last night was probably one of the most memorable nights ever. im scared of someone being right tho. there's so much i want to say here but i cant. i cant. hes right. but i want to know the two things. and how come he missled monica. and the reason i had to get my hopes up and have them shattered. i got in a fight with someone IN THE MIDDLE OF A THUNDERSTORM. talk about soapopera. i cried. i got angry. it was bad. apparently, im cute when i ramble on angrily in the middle of a rain storm. well you know what? YOU'RE FUCKING CUTE WHEN YOU'RE PRETENDING TO CARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GOD DAMN RAINSTORM. yeah, i went there. you dont really care. im just a god damn challenge to you. im just a new goal set for you. i got my hopes up. i wished for one thing and you had to ruin it. you had to take the rainbow around my head and smash it like MY glass heart. the least you could go is tell me if you feel im not worth your time. i have no idea wtf im saying do i?
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big english project due on thursday. rough draft for oral comm due today. i look like a prep. i think i made phil mad when i said i dont like basketball. acctually, maybe it was when i confessed that i HATE basketball. his choice if he wants to be mad or not. he can leave me when he wishes if it makes him happy. i would NOT like it, but hed be happy. im so tired. DrM kept me up till 11:46 and i get up at 4:15. talk about tired. im POOPED. i was falling in and out of sleep, along with a dream and every time i woke up *this is in english* i would almost throw up and could NOT wake up until i finally shot up in my seat and it was loud so everyone looked.
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before i got in a fight yesterday, i was with claire. i left from school to her house. then we waited outside, under her little roof outside for the rain to stop and then we wlaked to amigos. we had mexifry nachos and refilled our pop-cup five times. we stole a shitload of suckers. walked to the big fountain across the street, near the gas station. we danced the indian dance around the fountain. talked to DrM. claire had a spider on her. we decided that erika muchachikie has a balloon penis and big stone balls. and we sang the im a cat, im a kitty kat and i dance dance dance and i dance dance dance. lol. then we hung out with DrM. it was fun. i liked yesterday. even the rain part.
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love you phil <3

Dane Cook

ha ha ha ha. killer bees. ID PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE. i get to see matt's car soon. im ready for lunch already. im hungry and i have a snack in my pocket but i cant eat it. not enough stuff to hide behind. phil, it may be hard, but friday or monday, you should find a reason and a ride to my school. so you can come like, during lunch till the end of the day or something. idk. im dumb. claire cant pronounce erika's last name.....lol. muh-cha-chekie. lol. its muh-ha-check. pronunciation wise. lol. shes icky.
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why did u stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80? lol.
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hurry up lunch. please come. i g2g now.
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i love you phil! <3

Nightmare

i had the dumbest yet saddest nightmare.
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im not kidding you either
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i was with phil and we were walking somewhere. at one point we were suposed to walk into a rod kush's to see if we were in lincoln but the rod kushs building was in a big dark forest and i got scared. so, somehow we ended up walking along a highway. i had a big bottle full of some red-colored alcoholic drink. and chocolate. and while i was eating my chocolate, i moved onto the sidewalk, and i begged phil to do the same. he wouldnt. cars were screaming by him, faster then normal interstates and phil kept ignoring my pleas. i begged him over and over to come up on the sidewalk next to me. he finally turned and said no. so i tunred around and walked the opposite way and started crying. as i got closer to an intersection, i started downing my drink not caring about anything else. soon enough, i see the lead singer from anchondo at the little trash-can thing hanging on a light post. i started talking to him but i can't remember what we said. and then phil shows up and says "i want you to have these" as if the petals he was throwing at me were gonna make me sad. what made me sad is the fact that he looked so hurt. the last thing i remember is shaking his shoulders and telling him how much i love him.
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i know, its dumb.
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god im an idiot. dumb me and my dumb nightmares. last night was...well....odd. matt decided that im not good enough to have him come over. it kinda made me sad. he told monica that he does like her. wtf? thats wrong. thats worse then annie. that is just gross man. you know whati realised this morning? Crunk has been popular since Nsync was big. it was justin timberlake's little catch phrase for so fucking long its not even funny. its even on teh song Giddy Up *we gon' get dis crunk, haha, giddy up'ah* which is on their first album. isnt it bad that this word was popular with a boy band and their little girly fans to rappers and gangters here in 2005? it makes me wonder. i cant stretch and breathe at the same time....it huts me again. idk what to wear today. sigh. or what to eat for breakfast. orange and yogurt i guess. kidna high in carbs tho. shit. w/e i wear its gotta be cute cuz im getting photos done today with my ribbons. fuck. i dont want to take them to school, they'l get squished. damnit. last night dad was telling mom about how very proud i was about my poster and shit and talking about how i got too worked up about winning....idk. it made me mad bcuz that WAS the fucking best poster there. i deserved first place. jackasses. oh well. my tummys hurtin, so im gonna have some yogurt and coffee. loves x10.

today

mowed the lawn. got to talk to phil a lot. that made me happy. did the dishes. had eggs for breakfast. matt called, then i called him back and annie answered and he hasnt called back. either has phil. i took out the garbage and got dressed. we're abnout to leave. i need a frame for my ribbons. vanilla spray. sunglasses. bronzer. a brush. and something else.....i forget what. notebook. for world history. rest of the day? prolly shower. watch amityville horror again since i missed half of it. and eat some food. im happy, about being able to talk to phil. besides that......im bored and kinda sad. ttyl.

My weekend

my weekend so far:
today: woke up at 11:05, got ready. talked to phil. <3. hung out with claire and matt k. *idk how to spell his last name* and then monica came over. matt left. we hung out. moica borrowed her dad's car and we got subway and other food stuffs. hung out more. went to the mall. see callen. and then erica m sees claire. we go to barnes and noble. we go to walgreens. we see dominique. we get here. claire spends the whole time on the phone with erica. :(
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yesterday: well, got outta school. go to amigos. chris pciks claire and i up from amigos and takes us to the park by tim's house. we walk across the park and surprise phil. hung out with phil and tim. watched the old amityville horror. go to the mall. phil leaves. we leave. go to claire. drink some alcohol. she talks to matt k and jordan c. we try to hang out at dominiques so we can get high. well, i spend an hour and a half on the phone with dominique saying i dont want to date him OR fuck him and that im in a very happy relationship. he drives to pick us up. i have to drive his car to his apartment bcuz hes too drunk to drive. we get there. no weed. hang out with clay. ashley e and keira and two girls that look about twelve arrive. they're standing against the wall behind claire and i and ended up putting shit in our hair. i get angry. they want to 'meet in the hall' which is like saying 'come out here so we can beat the living shit outta you' and this girl at the house, kim, didn't like keira.well, keira's big but kim's strong. eventually they leave and i get clay to take us to claire and claire and i go to bed.
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im scared shitless to go to school on monday bcuz ashley and keira ride my bus and there's hardly anybody on the bus or at the school in the morning. so im gonna hopefully get on the bus without them there. hopefully ashley wont say anything to me at the bus stop. and as long as i get inside the school.....im ok. cuz they wont do it on school grounds.
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but no matter what. if i get my ass beat. if claire decides she wants to hang out with that SLUT. fine. i got to see phil for pretty much five hours on friday and i can still feel his arms around me. and i can still feel him next to me. and no matter what, ill be ok a for another few days. 16 days till phil's birthday. i need to order the second half of his gift. and finish the other half. but tonight, i need sleep. sweet dreams.

Head Automatica

im nto much for glassjaw but i <3 head automatica. omg this day is going by WAY too slow. acctually, its going by quick. but not quick enough. days seem to go by eal quick for me lately. that and my stomach devours all my food super quick and itll get bubbly and hungry. please please please please please please please please. omg. i hate colds. i have a stuffy nose and im suposed to see phil today. GOD DAMNIT. its pretty ok tho. the ibuprofen took care of my headache but my nose is still kinda......poofy feeling. daryl polumbo rocks. i wish i could sing like him. for lunch today? chicken. or ice cream.
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omg randy *mr gross in my novanet class* had his headphones turned up since its friday and mrs hitz was yelling at him and he didnt do anything so i turned and looked at him with a smile. he pointed at himself and goes HEEEEEEYYY all sliently. and i pointed at the teacher. and just now he threw something at me and tried to say something and i flipped him off.
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I CANT WAIT TO SEE PHIL!
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idk wut else to say. ttyl.
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LOVES.

God

i hate when god thinks he can take away my closest friends. or threaten me and almost take them away.
katrina-dead.
tyler-dead.
my gpa-dead.
phil-car accident a few weeks ago.
derek-car accident a few days ago.
how fucked up is my life gonna get? i mean, idk what i mean. im just sick of having everything getting so close to being gone. phil, in two diff ways. i dont know WHAT i would do with myself if derek died. he wouldnt even have had time in his life to realise that he DOES like girls. lol. j/p derek-boo. i love you derek. ur one of my bestest friends. besides alyssa and claire basically. dont die. never tell a cop you were smoking! TELL HIM THEY WERE AND YOU COULD BREATHE IT IN CUZ OF THE WIND. lol. i love you hun. its prolly better that you told the truth.
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brittni has Ohio Is For Lovers on repeat. cuz shes a LOSER. my outline is NOT done. not even written, let alone typed. god damnit. im losing points on my speech. oh well. today.....i dont care. today. im worried about getting thru school and getting to amigos at four. to be picked up by chris and then hes dropping us off in tims neighboorhood. claire and i are gonna chill on the giant 'rock garden' aka the place with all the lost cement chunks. and tim will lead phil down there. hopefully we dont get too cold or ill sit on the bridge just to piss em off. mayube ill sneak of behind him and just SMOOCH right on his shoulder and scare the bajeesus out of him. either way, hell be happy. and so will i. claire will like tim. hes funny. oh man im excited x1000000000000000.
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i g2g and get ready tho. loves.
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i lvoe you phil!

Tomorrow

tomorrow:

after school. meet chris at amigos at four. surprise phil at the rock garden. hang out. come home at 9:30 and watch amityville horror with claire and then sleep. yay x 10!

Summer

i wont be here this summer. moms forcing us to spend the summer detassling in erie illinois. apparently 'shit is out of hand' and we 'dont give a shit what my dad says.'


!

wtf? all i want to do is see phil. thats all. im not asking for permission to smoke pot. im not asking for lots of money or for lots of nice things. all i want to do is see phil. to be with phil. apparently i can have every material thing i want if im not with phil. BUT I WANT PHIL. i dont want to live with my mom. or KB. id be depressed all the time and id end up killing myself in the middle of some random field. which, speaking of suicide......im about to kill myself already. ALL I FUCKING WANT IS PHIL AND YOU DUMBASSES SEEM TO GET SOME SORT OF SICK TWISTED HUMOR AND ENJOYMENT OUT OF CAUSING ME PAIN. i hate you all. i hate everyone but phil. i am honestly being the best daughter i can. im sorry but im not gonna work my ass off to appease you. but ill do the occasional chore and i DO do my homework and my grades are decent. i have nice friends. mike is so much worse! and they're considering letting him bring his paintbull gun home AFTER HE ASHOT A MAIL LADY IN THE FUCKING EYE! HELLO? WTF DOES THAT SAY TO YOU? i cant go to erie. ever again. if i do, theyll never let me leave. ill never see phil. or claire. or madame heminger. id hate it. idc if i live with my mom or my dad or jim carrey. IM NOT LEAVING LINCOLN! fuck you guys. fuck you. FUCK YOU! god fucking damnit go die in a god damn pisshole. all i want is phil and i swear to god if i dont get a ride to tims house tomorrow HEADS WILL FUCKING ROLL! I KID YUO NOT MOTHERFUCKERS! ILL CHOP OFF YOUR GOD DAMN FINGERS AND TOES ADN SWTICH THEM! PAINFULLY. WITH ACID AND LEMON JUICE. fuck. i want to die so god damn bad. and if i move to erie, no language fairs, no mall, no movies, no college campus to hang out at, nobody to photograph with, NOBODY TO COMPARE MYSELF TO EXCEPT MOTEHR FUCKING HICKS! i dont want to be the prettiest girl in a hick school. i dont want to trust phil from thousands of miles away. and only communicate thru emails. i dont want to leave. ill die before i leave. no. even better. if they make me leave. i enter caps. yes. caps. bitch. please. god damnit, ill behave if you give me my phil back. ill be the best daughter ever if you give him back. im so fucking close to calling mary and apologizing. i know it wont do any good but its worth a try. i love you phil. i love you. no matter whats happens. if im in the hospital or illinois or school or my bed. ill ALWAYS love you.

Dane Cook Again

once again dane cook has brightened my day.
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sadly i didnt get chinese. nor did i get an honorable mention or overall prize for my poster! I SPENT TWO FUCKING HOURS SOLELY ON THAT DAMN MASK! damnit.
happily, i got a blue ribbon on my poster YES! and i even managed to get a blue ribbon for my poem! AND I SO FUCKED UP MY LAST STANZA. i guess my french accent and pronunciation was so beautiful he couldnt help it. apparently its rare for him to compliment people and he went on and on about me. net year, im doing a poem, a Can-Can poster AND the actual can-can with crystal and alyssa. in real can-can dresses! yay for me. im ok. not excited, not depressed. i didnt care what color i got on my poem. i wanted a damn over-all best prize for my poster. WHICH KICKED PIUS'S POSTER'S ASS YOU FUCKING WHORE! i cried. im sooooo happy i got two blue ribbons tho. i framing them. i havent talked to phil today and it really depresses me. i wonder if he got his letter? his mom prolly got it and hes in trouble again.
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i love you phil.

Dane Cook

omfg Dane Cook is the ost hilarious man ever.
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"play with me! get up! i wanna spell right now!"
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lmao. evil toy aka Speek'n'Spell. aka Speak like the Devil. http://www.danecook.com/ lmao. he makes me happy when im sad and nervous about language fair. sad thing? phil's in wahoo and im praying he gets back to get his mail before his mom does. man. i fucking love dane cook. hes better then ANY comedian! i think hes like, half gay tho. lol.
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chicken tenders........sweet sauce all over my body.
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lmao. i dont like when juice wears tights. man. i cant wait for today. yay x10 for the starbucks and the no school and the starbucks and the chinese and the starbucks and the blue ribbon i KNOW ill get.
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omfg i look SO hot. idk why i said that. but i do. im excited even tho i dont remember the last part of my poem. ok. my day planned so far:
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leave - 7:15
buy throat drops and gum - 7:30
meet teacher - 7:45
starbucks 7:50
perform - ?:??
chinese - 12:00
stuff *tango lessons, umm, maybe czech lessons* - ?:??
IF i get a blue ribbon, i go to the ceremony - 2:00
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i gotta go now. i love you all.
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"if i could say what i wanna see, i wanna see you go down.....on one knee"
i love you phil.
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JESUS CHRIST TIMMY! DONT FLOAT ABOVE ME WHILE IM DYING IN TEH ABYSS!

Attendance

denter wrote up a referral for me on april 4th. wtf? i cried alot when this guy and i discussed it. i dont want to be in more trouble and hes calling my dad to explain that my attendance has been better but that a referral was written up for past truancies. oh, and my ''tardy'' on monday. any more truancies and i get a lunch detention. ive been keeping myself busy with school work. muppets speech, geometry worksheet, the house on mango street notes, poetry packet, and PRACTICING MY FRENCH SPEECH!!!!! when im busy, i cant think about phil. well, im trying not to think about him doing better without me, but even worse i dont want images in my mind of his face tear stained and his eyes swollen. i love him way too much for that. but, i have to have Colloque Sentimental by Paul Verlaine MEMORIZED. by the end of the school day and i havent started memorizing it until this morning. i still have none memorized at all. but im getting close. its a relatively small poem. very sad. ill get it done and ill get a blue ribbon! or else......ill become even more depressed and idk wut will happen.
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what do you think about when you close your eyes at night? when the wind passes through the arms of the trees and the rain glides across the sky? do you ever sit your head upon your hand and dream out of your window? do you ever dream of me? do you wish we were together? do you miss me? you know, we could run away. to a dream-like feild. soft hills, emerald grass, deep green like your eyes, and the sun is shining golden. we can lay down and name the clouds and rename the birds. rupert, and waldorf, and francios. we can pick the flowers and make them dance for us. listen to the strem fall into the river we swim in, with natural beauty. completely and totally alone. wed by the trees and our hands and our eyes. and we can stay there forever, away from everyone else. eating apple and oranges and candy from the clouds. it could be our own little heaven. just you and me phil. just you and me.
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i love you phil. i love you so very much.
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just so you know, if you gotta call, call the cell phone. we're eating at old chicago. i need two books *calvin and hobbes and the amityville horror* and i gotta get a MARDI GRAS MASK for dun dun dun language fair. i g2g and practice now tho. loves to you ALL!
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<3 Brittni

Itsy Bitsy Fucking Spider

who the hell came up with the goddamn Itsy Bitsy Spider. i think it was a nazi. and he wanted to take over the world. so he started with the little kids and taught them this story and somehow, the story of the dumbass spider who doesnt realise that you cant climb up water spouts in the spring time or in florida bcuz of rain, will tie into the earth downfall. there's NO way a kid made that up cuz a kid would give up after being washed away by the down-coming rain. it was a german nazi. or maybe......maybe it was the turks. or the spaniards. either way. THEY'RE FUCKING DUMB. DIE YOU IDIOTIC ITSY FUCKING BITSY SPIDER!!!!!! who the hell writes a children's rhyme about SPIDERS? mannnnnn.
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i love you phil!

phone call

he called and im crying again. i love him. he loves me and everything will be ok. him along bitches. god i love him. i love you phil. if you ever read this. i love you. i love all of you. thank you lord!

i <3 phil.
he <3s me.

live with it you penis-wrinkles!

Bathrooms

my topic: bathrooms. they make me feel two different ways, just like everything else. the floors. and the walls. at school. the bathroom floor makes me feel dirty, used, unclean, unpure, shitty, contaminated, and worthless. they make me want to lay on them, curl into a ball and die. i hate them. yet, i kinda like em when you walk on em without shoes. i still feel dirty tho. but when people write with marker on the little trashcan things and the walls and doors and stuff. i feel, so, secretive and special and alone and lucky. i feel like im peering into someone else's life. i feel like i dont have my own.
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ive felt like shit all day. literally. i have puffy, red, swollen, dry eyes. from crying. i have a sore throat from sobbing so much. my head aches. my temperature feels like its burning. and i have a sore chest. all in my upper chest, under my ribs and basically, my heart and lungs and the muscle around there HURT SO BAD. i cant even slightly poke my chest, itll hurt so badly. alyssa says: broken heart. my mental state? idk. indescribale. almost. i feel like phil told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again. i know/hope its not true but thats how i feel. i feel so utterly alone. the only time ive laughed today? when matt k and i were talking about the evil grey-haired lady at pius that i ran from. lol. stupid whore. oh man. this is fucking insane. ALL I WANT IS PHIL. THATS IT. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK? i certainly hope not. i love him so much that the past few events have my heart hurting so painfully. cutting myself would be like a slight poke compared to this pain. ive never felt anything like this. its like im scared that he'll finally give in and drop me like his mother so desperately wants. if it makes him happy, it pretend to take it easy. but inside, id die. but hed be happy right? i just wish i could hear him say he love me. to hear him say he needs me. if only......then maybe my pain would go away. i get butterflies at the though of hearing his voice again. if you took away the pain, itd be like when we first started dating. i think thats pathetic that i get so worked about being able to hear him. i want to hold him. to kiss him everywhere. to kiss his closed eyelids and sing him a sad, soft lullaby, and watch him sleep and tell him dreams as he sleeps and hope that hes dreaming of me. to wake him up in the morning and kiss him everywhere again. ill kiss him for every tear he might have shed and twice for every tear i shed. ill kiss away the pain, the tears and the mistakes. if only i could hold him.

Phone calls

i hate when parents call other parents. have some mercy will you, woman?!?! this is so fucking outrageous. if only i could keep myself from giving him hickies, if only, then none of this would be happening. NONE I TELL YOU! NONE! i cant bring myself to look up. i cant smile. even if i really find something funny. funny thing is, dalton and i are amazed at my seemingly limitless stupidity. i guess i hate the blood stains and the hiding. but i love the red lines, the scars, the shock. i just keep adding to the lines and the scars. and adding. making his initials thicker and thicker. ill photo them sometime. i made a Phil collage. just before i found out what happened. i hit PRINT just before tim said that phil was fucked. i stopped. omfg was it a fucking blow. this is my last post from home i guess. im never allowd to see phil again. im holding on to the last shred of hope that i possess. i wish i was numb. honestly, im not even focused on making things better. im focused on keeping myself alive. so that i might be able to see phil once more in my life. but, if i died, id see him in heaven right? IM SO LOST. i feel so, idk, somehow i fel used. im losing internet. im losing the phone. shit, if imlucky, ill lose eating privilages. im about ready to go lay in the rain. to fucking kill myself and let the blood run into the water droplets. i want in caps. there. without phil, i can survive in caps. his mom would freak to know she drove me to something that STUPID. after the language fair. ill be in caps. apparently tim has good news: omg omg omg. we can talk every other day. omg. please let dad be leniant or w/e. PLEASE. im shaking. im crying. I LOVE YOU GOD! I LOVE YOU JESUS! i think ive found a reason to believe in god. as long as dad lets me, ill stay out of caps. either way, he can call me in caps right? ill only be in there for a month. omg. i just know he worled his ass off for me. omg. i love you phillip james luebbert. i always will. dont ever fucking question that!

If I could

if i could tell you i love you, every waking moment, i would.
if i could take back all the mistakes ive made, i would.
if i could save you from any pain you could feel, i would.
if i could help your mom understand what we're going through, i would.
if i could hold on to you forever and make you feel safe, i would.
if i could kiss away your tears and sadness, i would.
if i could convince the lord to bestow upon you eternal happiness, i would.
if i could do it myself, i would.
if i could sing a sweet lullaby to ease the world away, i would.
if i could give you everything youve always wanted, i would.
if i could love you forever, i would, and i already do.
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Dear Lord,
Please hear my prayer. I never meant to do the things I did today. The amount of rules I broke and disrespect I showed are immeasurable. I did it out of love for Phil and I only wanted to make him happy. That's It Lord. Im thankful that I got to see him smile again. But I wish I would have controlled myself and not done it at all. I pray that you will make life easy for Phil while we wait this out. I beg you to help Phils mom understand whats happening and help her get through whatever problems shes facing. I did not mean to disrespect his Mom, or anyone else. I just want him happy Lord. Thats All I Ask.
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so. everything worked out as planned except a few road bumps in the process. and even tho i spent the rest of the day happy......he got in trouble. again. its my fault. again. i wish i could re-do this day and just spend it going thru school like normal. i fear ill never see his face again.
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i love phillip james luebbert. always and forever.

Fasting

i cheated. i had come coffee. but, coffee before 7am doesnt count. and i cant binge on it either. otherwise, besides alot of hunger pains, which ill get used to, im ok. i havent gotten thru the first day yet, but ill be fine. why am i doing this? to test my willpower. atleast lunch wont be tempting. im gettin aaron to drive me to pius to see phil during his lunch. he thinks his sister is bringing him meds. atleast, i hope he comes outside to see wtf is going on. or else ill cry. since chris fucked up my morning plans. i hope this cheers him up. since i now owe aaron 10 bucks and a weeks worth of history homework. i wore my vanilla perfume and my banana lipgloss just for phil. im getting butterflies and im all nervous. i hope everything turns out ok. i have a C in geometry. and my photo is being put up in the district offices. the one alyssa took of me w/ a mirror and my angel pose overlapped. oh yes. im nervous for language fair. i hope nothing bad happens. please. i feel so horrible about last night. i wish i was happy. i wish i could relive certain parts of my life so id be happier. just for you. id do anything for you phil. being happy isnt eveything being perfect, its being able to see past the imperfections. i promise to be happier. i got my geometry assignment done in class. our mardi gras poster will get a blue ribbon. i know it. its times like this i wish i had a car. ooooooooo time needs to hurry up and get to 11:34 so i can packup and leave w/ claire and aaron. ok, its 11:21. 14 mins to go. mr.icky in this class asked me who i was walking with before 2nd period. i was like, either claire or alyssa why? and he asked me which ones hotter. claire of course but i cant say that. i have a couple acoustic songs stuck in my head. hands down, best of me, iris and reason. i want to learn one. and learn to sing it....like really well. and sing it for phil. 11 mins. im looking good. i did my makeup over. lol. im so nervous. its like a blind date almost.......since i THINK he got his haircut. i think. i wish i had my camera. lol. naughty brittni. 10 mins. omg im nervous. hands down this is the best day that i ever remember. my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so wont you will me, so i die happy. my heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or busy, or wear as jewelry, which ever you prefer. i love you phil. oh man. time is NOT fast enough. 7 mins. daddy's buying me an acdc greatest hits cd. yay. and we have to get something else at best buy. then something at barned and noble. for mr.calvin-and-hobbes-junkie. lol. things are looking up. when this morning everything felt fake and surreal. RUB A DUB DUB, THANKS FOR THE GRUB. YEAH GOD. lol. family guy. the daddy, the junior and the spook. mary the cherry. 12 commandments, 10 deciples. i prolly mispelled that. i remember 'stoned off his ass' but i dont remember who. oh well. it was still a funny email. loves to all. i have 5 mins till i get to see my baby.

fasting

i forget to tell you
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im fasting from tomorrow till next sunday. except thursday when im going to applebees. NO FOOD. only water is allowd.


i hate me.

Quotes

yeah. quote time.
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When I told you id love you for forever, i LIED.......forever isnt enough.
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Im crying inside and nobody knows it but me
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Late at night, when all the world is sleeping, i stay up and think of you. and i wish on a star, that somewhere you are thinking of me too.
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if you knew half ov what i feel, if you felt it youd break down and cry
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i can only be myself, im sorry if thats hell for you
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nobody remembers your name, when you're strange.
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if i did anything right in this life, its when i gave my heart to you
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someday, youll see what you could have, and ill never look good enough in your eyes
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ill admit im wrong if youd tell me
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im ugly on the inside too
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i know its hard to love me, but plz try
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so brittni's bawling and depressed and wants to die. whats different? man. if you guys could read my mind. it'd be like a collection of the worlds most depressing and angry songs. phils present needs to be worked on. so does my speech. and language fair. im gonna write a book. i am. and its gonna be my life and my real thoughts. and the world is gonna read it. except those who its truly about. and ill be ok. i wish i could draw a cartoon. im gonna. im gonna make ME into a damn cartoon character. and you're gonna hate it. shell be horribly drawn and ugly. just like me. i think god draws all of us onto paper. then makes us. and i was the piece of paper then got thrown away. i wish alcohol didnt tase so horribly. so i could drink everything away. i want to be handcufed, forced on my knees and beaten. i want someone to just hit me and scream at me. to tell me how ugly and dumb and fucked up i am. to tell me that no one will ever love me, and everything everybody else told me was a lie. i wish i was a rockstar, with only my band. that way i knew 100% that i couldnt trust anyone. it hurts so much to love you the way i do. give me a microphone SO I CAN SCREAM. if i was a bird, hed be a gun. if you really loved me, you'd pull the trigger. best friends means YOU pull the trigger and you get what you deserve.
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p.s. im significant screamed the dust speck - calvin

Nerd Love

its nerd love <3

Comments

this time is for real. but only three comments are needed for the next post. i KNOW more then three people read this.
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1) If you woke up and i was in bed next to you, what would be your first thought?
2)Ask me three questions.

please be honest. if the answer to number one is something sexual or derogative, phils not gonna care. he knows it wont happen. he also realises hes not the only one who, stupidly, thinks im good looking. if you want me to answer a question, i will. with 100% honesty. *ahem....squishie* lol. so, please do this. for me

love.
hoover.

post:talked to phil last night, about to go finish our poster for french. staying with alyssa tonight. claires over tomorrow night. umm, lets see. did better then anyone in geometry....again. and....im gonna do the muppets for oral comm. tomorrow is our 6 month. i love you baby. i hope we last forever.

2 years

14 mins to type!
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its been two years since the monday i started dating he-who-beat-me. i dont wanna say the worst bf, bcuz for the first few months, he treated me like phil STILL does. and he was a sweet and caring guy. and he loved me. and then he got into drugs and i become the thing he took his anger out on. kinda like jackal and hyde. ya know? i still hate him tho. dont you worry.
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two days till phil and my 6 month. usually, id be excited. but im spending it alone. sunday, phil was suposed to go to omaha. now im doing my poster with crystal and alyssa and then going home....once again, alone......and gonna cry. ive cried more these past few days then i have in a long while. i think the meds are reversing my chemicals way too much. i mean reversing as in doing the opposite job that its meant for. i miss phil so terribly. i find myself sitting on my comp at night, staring at his picture and listening to hum along. and crying.
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worked on the french poster. took poerty notes but during them i fell asleep and wake up and sat up relaly fast bcuz of a bad dream. took a fairly decent quiz-test in geometry. and im here now. i got a whole shit load of new icons. im thinking about putting up an icon box on here. showing random icons. like my photo thing. right under that. yeaahhhhh. go me. but i gotta go.
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i love you phillip!
once again.....forever. no matter how much it hurts.
which its fucking with my breathing again.
i love you baby.
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Love
Hoover
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p.s. i forgot wtf i was gonna type here.

Phil

phillip james luebbert. i love you.
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now that we have that cleared outta the way i have a few anouncements.
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the party's canceled.
im officially depressed.....again.
and last night i took a bunch of my old happy meds.
i cut myself last night.
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there, now you know. got a problem with it? post a comment and ill be happy to pretend to care. now, i wrote 5 new poems and im about to work on another one. three are quite short tho. but my next one is a sestina. i WAS gonna write an italian sonnet, but there's no way i could keep the iambic pentameter going on. but the first one is pretty much an edited copy of bright eyes's First Day Of My Life. but its good. sad thing is, it took me all of geometry to write a haiku, a cinquain and a tanka. i need sleep. i got an hour of sleep. i stayed up till 3:30 crying, cleaning my wrists and writing. i woke up at 4:40. ok, so an hour and 10 mins but still. no shower this morning. maybe after im with alyssa. but i woke up and my internet still wasnt working *which, phil, is why i left so abrubtly, im sorry* and i cried even more. no ron white. or hockey game. only claire on saturday, alyssa's on sunday to make the poster for the language fair. which, ill atleast get two red ribbons in. the poster should get a blue, garunteed with our ideas *mostly mine* so that makes me the best. right? right. bitches. ive smiled twice today, with alyssa. thats it. mike harring, yesterday, told me i should do my makeup like the guy from mcr and i did. but with my glasses so it didnt seem too much. and i have a black choker on, and my lp shirt, an exbfs, and my punisher hoodie on. kinda goth, i know, but it looks good. i think so anyways. but that scary disgusting kid that tried to sit next to me on monday, tried to sit by me again. he said i looked CUTE with my glasses. i know im good looking but you dont clal someone with swollen eyes surrounded in black and red eyemakeup cute. no. and then, when he was walking and stuff during class, he really asked me what was going on in the movie im pretending to watch and i said idk. and he kept staring at me. i wish phil and i were 18. then this black ring would look even better. ;| *just i wink, i cant smile* but, dont get me wrong. i LOVE my little black ring. im crying again. i hate crying at school. i cant wait to post the poems i come up with today. i feel sick. oh, and i cant breath very hard. anything near a jog or worse, that fucks with my normal berathing, hurts a bruise i have on the center of my lower neckline area. so crying makes me breathe hard, and that pain makes me cry harder, and it hurts more. its a vicious cycle. i hate life right now.
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to everyone but phil: im sorry if im "a depressed poop-head" lately, but phil and i are having major system failures. well, not failures, more like problems. but yeah. and im finding it hard to keep myself alive and help phil thru this too. im crying alot and im very depressed. i apologize now and for future times. i miss phil terribly, i feel so stupid and shitty for the reason we cant see each other *its my fault anyways* and any help you guys can offer at all *ie, hanging out, phone calls, IMs, LETTERS, notes or simply hugs* would be appreciated more then youll ever ever understand. for those of you who have hugged me in reassurance today, i thank you so much. i want to thank alyssa, altho she doesnt read this, for helping me stop crying. i love you all and your help is the greatest thing you could give me. thank you.
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i love you phil. dont ever fucking question that. i always will, dont question that either. you're my baby. im your babygirl. you're my everything. if i have to wait for forever till i can hold you again, i will. love you baby.

Owie

saw ted kooser today. my new fave poem: urine sample. um, practiced french with alyssa. went to phils. i have a fatlip of sorts, BRUISES *not to be confuse with hickies* covering my torso area. 6 of them. and they hurt so badly. it is so not fucking funny either. fucking OW. i got the spatula. lol. yes phil, i DID think it was called a spatula for a moment. the scapular. right? did i spell it right? i need an oral comm subject for my informative speech. im so tired. party at my house on the 16th. found my glasses. almost saw brain stauffer today. but he left before i could find him. i had wings for dinner. im PRAYING that i can fall asleep before 1am tonight. im very happy. i love you phil.

Bed

i crawled up to my bed just before 8pm this evening. i was looking for shorts. thats all i remember except waking up at 9pm. wtf? i like, passed out. lol. i tanned today. from 3:30 till 5:15. straight. i got up ONCE to answer the phone. and i had oil on.....but like, my skin is barely singed. its prolly burned on my back but i cant see it and dad wont comment. my skin is starting to hurt. im glad i did it.

Sugar

lol. ive been thinking. about saturday, phils room. hockey stick. ac/dc. i think i won last night. but idk. hmmmmm. omg, there's this new kid in novanet *5th period* and hes so fucking disgusting! and he was asking me how to get onto the computers and i showed him, and then he asked me really flirtingly and really loudly what grade im in. and then complimented me on my typing skills. and he said he only gets on his computer to fucking around with girls's minds on like chatrooms and shit. omfg. tlak about GROSS. and his face was all mutated and oily and dirty. i thank god many times over for letting the worlds greatest guy also be the worlds hottest. in my opinion. but i mean, im so glad that my ''match'' has a cute, clean, happy, sexy face. and a nice body .... and his, uh, well, hes big for his age. bigger then the average sophomore. i wouldnt know about juniors. anyways. lol. im just so lucky. mannnn. anyways.
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i rubbed my curve cologne *its old* all over phils shirt and it helps but its not as good as the cologne. im wearing my blue and white necklace *SQUISHIE* lol. do you still have urs squishie? what about my mushroom? oh, phil, whats thatt thingy we were talking about on saturday night? i cant remember the name and none of my religious friends know wtf im talking about. my eyebrows make my face look younger and more lively. and im smiling so much more lately. kyle, is so fucking stalking me. hes getting sooo annoying. my neck hurts. idk if i hurt my legs in football or what but my muscles arent healing.....in fact, they're worse. you, remind me of home. lol. its a song. cam h sent it to me. cam = fucking awesome. hes like the only indie kid in geneseo. i think he deserves mad props. i wont be able to blog tomorrow, atleast, not at this time.......i have to go see ted k speak. idk how you spell his last name...kuzer? kuscher? kusher? idk. but hes the poet loriet for the u.s.a. and hes from the mid-west so i guess its important. but im going with my creative writing class. we're doing poetry in english now. god am i excited. there's about five things im gonna write about. phil, tyler, myself, broken hearts, and alice in wonderland. idk why. anyways. my english teacher is all excited for me and i get extra credit in both creative writing AND english now. sweeet. and i also get tomorrow assignment for geometry so i can do both tonight and hardly have any tomorrow. my grades?? hmm, i belive french is atleast above a C, english? B! geometry? c! this class.......S *its either s or u* lol. idk the others. i know im passing oral comm and creative writing. its world history that makes me itch. maybe his last name is spelled koosher. or koozer. lol. la la la la la la la remember phil? ARGH (thats between me and claire) lol. argh. annnndddd......white peoples dance. i hate how kyle has such a problem withme smoking. im sick of it. cuz you know what????? hes only my friend and i wouldnt stop for phil unless i had reason to believe i was hurting him by doing it *ex: addictions, passing out, or psychological problems* so blah on you. ill smoke weed if i want. claire and i are gonna dress in all black *like amish people* and make the clothes gangster and wear fake moustaches. and maybe even beard. lol. and im gonna squeeze a goose. omfg. 5 DAYS. 5 DAYS. 5 DAYS NIGGA. lol. omg im so happy for us phil. i hope this lasts forever. i love you baby!

Blah

i could not sleep last night. idk why. it was like i had drank a mountain dew before bed. but, i ended up thinning my eyebrows by like.....miles. lol. naw, but they look better now. and i finished all of my star wars book. then again, i started on chapter three. lol. basically the whole book. then i ate. and fell asleep at about two something. got up at four something. showered. failed at my attempt to stay 'decent' lol. only phil will get that one. i hate my hair after a shower. it gets all poofy and and split-end-y. now i had to water it down with liquid mousse and then straighten it. and i only have half an hour to do that. idk what earrings to wear with phils shirt. my white ones would work, but one is at bills house cuz i used it for the pot. damn you washing machine for taking away that yummy smell that WAS on my shirt. ok. so, i might be going to phils today. idk. but i DO know that i have to get a bus pass. and batteries since i just burned a new cd last night. umm. van wilder rocks. lol.

loves
Brittni

Lucky

i = lucky.
tyler was watching over him at that moment. just for me. i know it.
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saturday? well. no computer. dad's mesing with my hard drives. i kinda wish hed let me watch so i could do it myself. but, i wake up, late, bcuz i had stayed up late waiting for phils call. but,i get up and start slowly getting ready and i was kinda mad bcuz i had NO IDEA when i was suposed to go to phils. so i finally get pissed off enough to call him and i found out he almost died the night before. im not going into details......but ive been crying about it ever since i found out. i cant even FATHOM what id do if he died. id be like, in a coma thingy. i know after the funeral id move in with my mom, shed understand more. id prolly go insane and then like, fall asleep and never wake up on some random night. idk. i cant imagine losing another person whos that close to me. im not thanking god tho. im thanking tyler and papa. they were watching over phil, and me, making sure that everything turned out ok. i know why papa wasnt watching over tyler for me tho, cuz he was watching over nana whos been having troubles lately. it seems everything is slowly being taken away from me. i dont like it. but, anyways.
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yes, i went to phils yesterday. 2 till 10. 8 fucking hours. dick wads. lol. met the family. entertained the little kids. played football......i so beat phil. my TEAM didnt beat HIS team....but still. i tackld him and hurt his butt. lol. umm, ate samichs. lol. dont ask. watching family guy and ace ventura. the girls and i were gonna soak phil but phils mommy said NO and made us sad. umm, hung out with phil when everybody left. in his room. yes. lol. we read calvin adn hobbes. lol. listened to ac/dc and had sex to my fave acdc song. lol. talk about FUCKING awesome. lmao. ill shut up. i ended up wearing his anchondo shirt. which im still wearing *im still in my pjs* and it smells like him and that makes me happy. then phils mom, sister and brother, criag, phil and i were talking about the late-pope and shiavo and stuff. and i guess phils mom, sister and i decided that phil is craig-phobic. lol. we also discussed phil's 'zone' at concerts. *which reminds me....im kinda sad that i missed the Army of Freshman concert* lol. but yesssssss. it was funny. im sitting on the pillow stina gave me. lol. then when i got home, phil and i were on the phone and i was all sad bcuz of the car accident. and phil and i were talking about the thing on his bed post *i dont remember the name* but it was something really special and holy and the like and he got all serious and asked me to wear it all the time. of course i said yes. it obviously meant alot to him. but the thing is......his voice was so serious, it was almost scary. but i gotta go. i get to play The Hobbit all day as long as i do the laundry when its done washing and shit. go me. GO VIDEO GAMES.
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phil, i love you, dont ever fucking question that! p.s. thank you.
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tyler.....i love and miss you. thanks for your help!
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edit you nigger ass bitches: i completely forgot. shit. oh yeah. this weekend so far.....friday, idk. stars game maybe. saturday, party at kyles...idk if i wanan go....sunday HOCKEY IN OMAHA AND PHILS GOING. suck on that fat ass blunt you pussies!

fuckers

ive realised that you fuckers arent gonna reply to that. i didnt expect you to. idk what i was thinking. anyways....
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my april fools day had ONE good moment. here's my day:
wake up at 6, eat, coffee, shower, pick up, get ready, tin cup coffee house, disgusting italian soda, talk to evan, go home, eat fishsticks, kyle and mike leave, internet, dad gets home, phil calls and ruins my april fools joke but i make a comeback, dad and mike fight alot, i try to fall asleep and i get yelled at, i end up trying to read my star wars book, start dinner, PHIL SHOWED UP, finished dinner, watched the simpsons and hollow men, tried to get dad to take us to robots or constantine and failed, tried to get dad to take us to rent movies and failed, got my comp, made a myspace account. so. today. i cried. alot. more then youll understand. once, during dinner, i cried bcuz phil showing up and SURPRISING me made me day bearable if not good. it made me happy. i felt loved. but, eventaully, i became depressed again and while watching silence of the lambs, there was a funeral scene and ive been thinking about tyler ever since. i dont like having my best friend dead. someone said he always knew the exact thing to cheer someone up. i think, that he made people happy by acctually ATTEMPTING to cheer them up. he TRIED to make me happy. he CARED and thats why i smiled. he loved me when nobody else did. then again, it was his fault i ALMOST got an F in physical science. lol. i hate god for this. ill never forgive him. think of your most prized posession/person. now imagine someone taking them away from you. i dont think youd forgive that person either. i mean, sure, hes gone to a 'better place' but life down here was never horrible with him around. he kissed the cuts on my wrist once. and always let me sit shotgun when i was sad. hed share his cigarettes. and let me choose the radio station. hed tell me loved me.....especially when trevor was being an ass. hed make jokes about stina with me, laugh about them with me, and then agree with me when i said i missed her. he would tickle me when it was just us in his car during lunch. hed make me giggle and laugh and squirm. hed let me change into his shirts. and said i looked sexy in his red Nebraska Bookstore hoodie. *ok, here's for those of you who ever want to know the greatest gift you could ever give me.....take me to the nebraska bookstore and atleast HELP my buy the hoodie like his* hed always wear that leather jacket. and thought i looked adorable in my glasses. and even better in his. hed only sing ONE song to me, maroon 5's she will be loved. he told me, atleast a million times, that he wanted to photograph me bcuz i was so beautiful and that even if my body wasnt perfect, i had an aura of sorts that made me wonderful in every way and the things that happened in the past that made me so tough and naughty on the outside but fragile on the inside was what made me beautiful. he always tried to get me to convince my dad to adopt a kitten. lol. and after he had work, hed always smell like grease. lol. he gave me a piggyback once.....

Reply

reply to this and tell me the first memory you have of me
i will not make another blog post until i get 5 replies!

April Fools

derek: you need to sleep thru school more often. that was a very interesting convo....but next time....dont IM me at 1am and say GET BACK HERE! lol. im glad you and trev are atleast on smooth/happy terms now. but, no offense, youd think if you broke up for distance reasons....well.....there arent many great looking gay guys in such rural towns ya know? oh well. about your april fools quote.....how big of a fool does that make me then? lmao. im just messin with ya!
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cam: you need a blog, or a livejournal.....a myspace atleast!
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martin: i am proud of you for being at so many raves and not doing any drugs. altho, you have to understand that im MILLIONS of miles away...for all i know, you are doin them. im not trying to be mean, but you've gotta see why im a little shady about it. plus, even if i came across the fucking pond, i dont want to waste my days and spend my nights wide awake, dancing in a fucking field and listening to some shitty house or trance. id rather sit and sip coffee, read a book, maybe see concert or two. but not those kinds.
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phil: i left you a paragraph yesterday. either wa, you're still my favorite thing in the world *human or not* lol. stop whining about your back hunny. YOU KNOW YOU LIKED IT! lol.
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anyways. on to my post. yes, it is april fools day, but this post is not a joke so dont fly into a series of ranting posts about how everything is backwards. yes, its happened before. i found a new band i like called The Kaiser Chiefs. i <3 THE bands. you know what i mean? like bands with The. like THE killers, THE bravery, THE strokes, THE postal service. anyways. i think the only reason i fight with stina is bcuz sometimes, i wanna hit something. preferably a person. and stina, who yes, tends to be very and annoying bitchy at times *so do i* seems like a decent target during those times. other times, its bcuz i dont want to look like a damn fool saying im gonna hit stina and then not being able to. no offense to her, but i know i could beat and maybe thats another reason. idk. but im glad there's no drama right now. sadly, i love ludacris's song number one spot. lol. i need a fucking shower. im gonna shower really soon now cuz im all dirty and i have a coffee date at noon. omg. iTunes has the velvet goldmine soundtrack but not hawthorne heights. wtf? atleast i can get brian eno, venus in furs and the ballad of maxwell demon. sweet. sometimes i wish i was a child of glam rock and brian eno and david bowie. with glam rock makeup and crazy outfits. but, idk, some of the song lyrics i cant stand. dude, this placebo song sounds all countryish. lol. dammmmnnn. my nail polish is chipping. and my room is kinda messy. omg. i have a reserve lns baseball game to go to. and nobody to go with me. therefore, i do NOT wish to go. i could say im grounded, but then what happens when i leave tomorrow? hmmmm. i wonda. man, i had seven song the other day. now im out. i guess kyle has some codes cuz he never uses iTunes and nate ALWAYS has some. ill ask him to send them when he gets online later. blah. holy fuck. i had a dream last night that i had a car and i was driving and picked up connor, claire and phil. *why connor, idk* and we ended up sneaking into Brady's *kbs kid* house and room. not at KBs house. at brady's moms house, but it was in the outskirts of lincoln cuz we almost got caught and snuck out of a window, ran acorss the street, got my car and i took them home i guess cuz then i remember being at home getting ready for something *school, movies, idk* and dad asked me if i went to bradys and i was like No, Ive been at phils all day. How would I have gone to BRADYS. lol. and, i was awoken several times. fucking, some guy decided to call me twice at like 2 am and aaron adams called at like 1am. i finally crawl outta bed and answer my fone and this guy goes Brittni? im like WHAT?!? he goes BRITTNI? so i yelled WHAT DO YOU WANT? and he starts laughing so i hung up my fone and turned it off. poor aaron. i told him id call him yesterday, thats why he called. but he only called once so i thank him. i think the other guy was that nate sheets kid that keeps calling. im about to call the cops on him. i told him to stop and he wont. and hes friends with dillon jackson.....ugh. omg.
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squishie: you're so wonderful. i wish i still had that bear. even tho im happily taken, i still feel horrible about what i did to you. did you know you're the only guy who had a pet name for me? the other day, i was watching something * i dont remember what* and i heard this song that you sang once. i cant remember the title. but, i think its like Sweet Chariot or something. but i heard it. lol. and it made me think of you. you never did give me my vday gift you silly fucking thing. squishie....you rock.
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anyways. i almost forgot mattachew. lol. omg. matt, do you remember when jordan m ate those chips at your party? NO SPICY. lol. spicy. and when her and i went to the movies and i came back with the nickname popcorn crotch? LMAO. yeah. spicy and p.c. sweetness. damn. im in a good mood. omg k. my mom might come in in may for the crossfade concert. no address opens. yeah. 15 bucks. i say phil and i see it for his birthday...but....idk if it can be FOR his bday bcuz ive already got three things. well, ideas so far. he knows one of them tho. and partly knows the other. but the best one will be a surprise. yesh man. lol. yessshhh. omg. i <3 SMOOTH CRIMINAL. by aaf. lol. yeaahhh. someday, ill post a cd mix of my current life-songs. lol. but, first i gotta shower and then make my new blog. bcuz people are mad that they cant ready this one. grr. anyways. off to the pisser-room to shower.
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love you hunny