FINE

Dorkfish still

i hate you trevor. i listened to you, AFTER you called me a slut. you gave me shit before i realised meghan as ur weakness. BITE ME JACKASS.
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fucker.
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mmmm, pickle chips. i <3 you mom. but only for the chips.
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I HATE TENNIS. im only playing for three other people. id do better doing bass lessons, rehearsing for language fair and attending phil's games. tennis would make me miss those. alot. and id cry.
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i need sex. bad. lmao. like, not a quickie. lots of foreplay. lots of fun. and time. i need to be loved. physically.
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damn you french project. damn you councilors. damn you 'no-late'start'. damn you teeth for biting my innerlippy thing.
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i need a car.
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play-do. life is good.
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soon eh? soon? ive wated since last, what, wednesday? nothing. and saturday.....i needed to talk to you. no one else would listen. i waited, you never came. soon isnt soon enough. im sry.

Dorkfish

IM A DORKFISH. thats my new nickname. and mike is tatersalad. lmao.
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phil - thank you. i had so much fun yesterday. SOOOO MUCH FUN. even though it almost got ruined by boredom and lack of caffine. i love you. i had fun. the sleep, the comedy, the food, the candy *which im still wearing*, the 2nd place victory, and most of all, seeing you smile. i love you. i hope ur mom dies.
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derek - grr at you and ashlee.
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trevor - HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF NORMAL? hmm? bcuz the last time i checked, asking someone for help/to listen, then calling them a slut and talking shit to them, and now expecting them to be nice when you 'cut them some slack' IS NOT NORMAL. fuck you and your expectations. idgra if you cut yourself or not. besides, no matter how much i WANT to cut myself, i cant. bcuz of a promise. so fuck off and die. i dont like you. and as much as i wanted to be ur friend, ive realised life is better off without you.
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god - help me
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martin - i dont hate you. im just angry and disappointed with you.
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i feel like shit. my head hurts and my body is going through WAY too many temperature changes. and since yesterday, ive been needing caffine. and then more. and then more. and more. damnit. stupid addictions. lmao. go me. but seriously. phil, after those two mtdews, the red bull, and the caffinated mr pibb, i fell asleep around 11 on my floor. MY FLOOR. lmao. thats my new bed. lol. and i woke up, and since then, its been grumpiness, headaches and craving. sigh. to be alone. lol. idk. im super tired. thats the sad thing. im currently drinking a mtdew and have been since 9. IM STILL YAWNING. somebody here is gonna need to invest in a shitload of redbull. maybe i should just crush up a vivarin and inject it. lmao. im so fucking stupid. well, friday - did nothing, and cried about it. saturday - cleaned and showered, saw Constantine with phil. I <33333 that movie! its a fave. then phil called, and life went downhill for a while. but my rosyglasses are slighty perched upon my nose, almost falling off. sunday - lordy was it good. it was only bad around 4 and 5. when i wanted to go the mall and get a hoody and NEEDED caffine *mom told me that, she was like, go drink another mtdew and then maybe another, youll be fine* i said ok. lol. but, after phil got me to listen to DORKFISH i was better. ive had Hum Along stuck in my head allday. and still crave chinese. and crave jalapeno poppers from arbys. yummers. phil saw me eat a pickle. bleck. and we even hung out with nick glass, kyle tetherow, mike, and cody bius. i figured out who the blonde hockey kid is at my school. Poland. lmao. cant wait to tell dad. oh, and i got a 75 out of 75 on my Color Purple quiz. yay.
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this week so far: monday - shopping. buspass, SOME food, french project shit. maybe a hoodie?
tuesday - hockey
wednesday - hockey *near phils*
thursday - 7:30 cresent moon to see mr barnacle perform
friday - PARTY. claire, dylan, taylor, alyssa, michelle, phil, tim, lauren
saturday - Ludo and AnchandO show. yippee skippee.
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I HAVE PINK PLAY-DO AT HOME. life is good

Dearest Phil

maybe this will help you understand parts of who i am.

Heart of Glass


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

I Love You Phil

god. plz kill me. why? why do this to me? everything as wonderful. you gave me a thunderstorm, and i JUST got my rainbow. plz, make it go away. plz plz plz. i need so much help.

im so tempted to admit myself to caps on monday. either that, or cut. *yes, i know, juvy and mike will have a feild day. but i dont give a flying fuck* i just want to cut and cut and cut and cut. and die. i want to die.

I HATE YOU!

Top 25!

so im copying dylan, but only 1/4 of the way. big deal. here's the happenings!
1. Phil Luebbert
2. Billy Boyd
3. Ewan McGregor
4. Dylan Weber
5. Brandon Flowers
6. Derek Chmiel
7. Matt Schock
8. Blonde Nick Tarlowski
9. Tyler *from French class*
10. Gerald De Palmas
11. Rick
12. David VanKlavern
13. Ryan Burbach
14. Billy Gilman
15. Bryce Richie
16. Grant Turen
17. Nick Glass
18. Brian Stauffer
19. Cam H
20. Jacoby Shaddix
21. Sam Risenhoover
22. Jordan Kelly
23. Jude Law
24. Ryan Reynolds
25. Dominic Monaghan
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DUN DUN DUN. i feel like i just announced the oscars. lol. i know all but 8 of them. man. i feel loved. ill feel even more loved if someone complains about not being on there. lol. go me.
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ok, i have to perform one)a poem, very sad and cool two)a play where alyssa plays the typical american tourist and i go from a REAL french person back and forth to a stereotypical french person with the beret and cigarette and sitting at a cafe with a striped shirt and tight black pants. that means i gotta buy the outfit. woopa. AND NOW i have to sing a De Palmas song either tomber, une suele vie or encore. me, alyssa and crystal. and all the french kids are making a big poster. i'm gonna be entered into a total of 4 catagories. think ill win anything? i hope so.
.
i wish he didnt tell me to go away. and i bet hes smiling right now! sigh. another sleepless night last night.
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cleaning today, and tomorrow. the WHOLE room. folding ALL laundry and removing all trash. and organizing the cds and candles. sigh. singing practice tonight. alone. and poetry practice. grrrrrrr.
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no meat today. ive done good so far. cheese sandwhcih tho? not cool. guitar and bass info tonight also. maybe ill be able to play the guitar for the des palmas song. think so? i made a poster of my name for phil. and im making one of a mushroom for me.
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OMFG i cant wait till des moines. here's my IDEAL day. ok? ok. *i just got shivers* ok. wake up. makeup. grab my pre-made bag of daily items (cds, clothes, undies, pills, batteries, books) and a few pillows and blankets. get in the truck, but the back seat down and pick up phil. phil and i drink a cappacino and fall asleep in each other's arms on the blankets and pillows ive proveded. wake up, stop at a rest area and change. enter des moines. watch the first game with mom, kb, phil, dad and maybe even rylee, brady, and colleen. eat some breakfast. do stuff, like, walk, talk, shop maybe, drive mom's car to the nearest mcdonalds or SOMETHING. eat lunch. somewhere throught the day, im hoping phil and i get alone time. leave around 5:30, unless we stay for dinner with mom's family, which shell beg dad to do and we probably will. take phil home. sleep. lol. omg fun right? right. sigh. IM SO EXCITED.
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12 days till hpil and my 5 month. HOLY SHIT! wow. one month and 12 days, and thats hlaf a year. wow. after 8 months, itll be my longest relationship. lol. g2g now. hope everyone is as happy as me!
.
Loves
xBrittni

Coat

ok, last night, alyssa and i spent two hours taking photos. i love her. i love her photos. she makes me look beautiful. she has a talent. i <3 her. she's so close to me. i feel so loved. the photos are on flickr, and some on photobucket bcuz i couldnt post anymore on flickr. both under the name TragidyBaby. if you wanna see em and it asks for a password, ask me. but, some of the photos were taken in this wild denim coat lines with faded blue-to-white fur. its so sexy and wild. everyone has made comments! josh hinman even said he likes my coat. i feel loved. this coat is getting me noticed. i hate to tell alyssa that, i dont want her to get jealous. i want to keep her as a friend. shes wonderful. anyways. i dont have much to say. ive been enjoying life. dad wanted to talk about tennis last night.....we kinda fought. hes mad bcuz im not active. im mad bcuz he doesnt understand who i am. he says my epitaph will have the word EXCUSE on it somewhere. oh well. im still enjoying the moon over the clouds. and the music. and the smiles of everyone. im happy. im afraid for my bite tho. cuz the scab is forming on the sides of the broken skin. so the sca goes inward and sadly i cant pick it. but, the skin is closing faster then the scab is healing. i dont want my skin closing over a scab. ew.
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language fair in april. im doing a play with alyssa and my own poem. all in french. the play will be from candide. and the poem is a sad one. let me read alyssa's note and ill type the poem.
Colloque Sentimental by Paul Verlaine
Dans le vieux parc solitaire et glace
Deux formes ont tout a l'heure passe.
Leurs yeux sont morts et leurs levres sont molles,
Et l'on entend a peine leurs paroles.
Dans le vieux parc solitaire et glace
Deux spectres ont evoque le passe.
-Te souvient-il de notre extase ancienne?
-Pourquoi voulez-vous donc qu'il m'en souvienne?
-Ton coeur bat-il toujours a mon seul nom?
Toujours vous-tu mon ame en reve? -Non
-Ah! les beaux jours de bonheur indicible
Ou nous joignions nos bouches! -C'est possible.
-Qu'il etait bleu, le ciel, et grande, l'espoir!
-L'espoir a fui, vaincu, vers le ciel noir.
Tels ils marchaient dans les avoines folles,
Et la nuit seule entendit leurs paroles.
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isnt that pretty? i think it is. homework so far: read candide. find a scene to act-out in french. i hope i win this language fair. crystal is doing a dance. cool no? i wanted to write our own play. but oh well. maybe they'll enjoy our rendition of candide. maybe we'll revise it and make them laugh. alyssa and i have to come in after school tho to work on it. kinda like speech team. g2g now and write alyssa.
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loves.
brittni
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p.s. PHIL GETS TO GO TO DES MOINES WITH US ON SUNDAY. YAYYYYYY! pick him up around 5 am. take him home around 9. yay. 6 hours total of driving. mike's going the day before with eric, and that means just dad phil and i. food choices will be easier. and mike wont be there to whine, bitch, moan and smell. lol. itll be fun. drive in, take moms car, eat alot, walk alot, and dinner and lunch too, and breakfast and coffee, and then drive home. omg in sooooooooo excited. YAY X1000000. but.....lets hope we dont have a repeat and we dont pull a callen three days after we get back. anyways. g2g. loves

God

ive found god. through happiness. god is happiness. sin is everything against it. sin is ruining happiness. god is the trees. god is attention, god is love, sex, flowers, smiles, hugs, kisses, food, the sun, thunderstorms, friends, family, people, books. god is everything that makes you happy. god is when someone is holding you and whispering in your ear. god is a day between spring and summer, with tulips and irises and daffodills and clouds and blue skies and walking in the park. god is what makes you smile on the inside. god is not a brooding man. god is not a man to judge. god is not a man. god IS your friends and family and happiness. they do not judge, nor do we. ive found god. god IS heaven. thank you alice walker.
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i hate adolf hitler.
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phil. im sorry about last night. i do need you, more then ever. and you may need me too. im here for you. im believe you when you tell me those things. ill believe them with all my heart. i want to trust in you. i want to hold you. i want you to be my angel. i want to be your goddess. just like you always said. i want to be yours truly and forever. completely and finally. i love you. undyingly. i want to share complete bonds, incase i ever lose you. i want to always remember that we were each others. i want to love you.
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i <3 chambord et fontainebleau. lol.
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im gonna get married on the double stairs on fountainebleau. he'll go up the right stairs, ill go up the left. we'll honeymoon in the castle. or chambord or something. we'll have a priest marry us in front of the doors of fontainebleau. we'll walk back around, down the steps, kiss, and walk away to a horse drawn carraige. itll be so romantic.
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i <3 happiness. i need sleep tho. and food. damn school food that i DONT wanna eat. grrrrrrrrr. lol. i need to talk to mom and alyssa about phil's gifts. damn. ill talk to alyssa later during photos. loves.

Tennis

not playing tennis. here's why:
1)not in shape enough
2)my sleep would be horrible, i dont get enough as it is.
3)id be a bitch, and pissy all the time
4)i wouldnt stick with it. when id be sore and tired, i wouldnt stay*
5)i wasnt doing it for me. i was doing it for nana, dad and phil. dad knew it too.
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i hate myself. and i really want to die. again. idk y. i feel like shit. i feel like cutting myself. not bad enough to do it. but i feel alone and worth shit.
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pictures tomorrow.
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still hate myself.
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ugly, fat, stupid, depressive, obsessive, possesive, angry, mashochistic people whould die......that means me.
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SHOOT ME ALREADY. FUCK GOD. FUCK HEAVEN AND HELL. I DONT CARE. i dont care anymore. there's no one here. no one secretly risking it all to tear down the walls i put up. someone to whisper in my ear that they love me adn that will make it better. to whisper it to me when im crying. when im bawling and clinging to my bed to make sure that death doesnt yank me from it. sometimes, i wish i could join tyler. and him and i could fly between the clouds and keep an eye over everyone. then again. i feel like my death would be the removal of a burden, rather then end up with people looking to my soul as a guide. do i think that of tyler? i hope not. it seems selfish. either way, im gonna cry myself to sleep tonight. cry and cry, drown my pillow and my bed. wake up with eyeliner marking the trails from earlier before. im gonna cry till there's no more tears. im gonna cry, till death comes. im gonna cry as i die slowly, without being in someone's arms.....without the whispers of prayer and love, of hope to save me. without the love, in my head or on my lips. without the sight of green eyes. im gonna die tonight.
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im gonna die tonight.

Enjox

took the regular bus today. french was ok. english was sleepy. geometry was EASY. bitch. i WILL have chinese for dinner or i will fucking kill.
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im so happy i have phil. 4 months of being happy, interested, confused, and smitten. i havent felt like this after dating someone for four months......ever. ive only dated two other guys for more then four months. matt and jared. matt.....you learn who he is quickly. it got boring. but phil? idk. i always feel as if...as if there's soooo much more to know about him. that you wont completely know him till the day before he dies. am i crazy? yes. very. im so happy with him. he's such an awesome guy. sad that hell be 15 this year and ill be 17. but still. soon itll be illegal unless his parents ok it. lol. i hope my mom is right.....
.
crepe party after school today. mmmm, extremely flat pancakes with whipped cream and chocolate. YUM. i get the left over whipped cream too. GO BRITTNI. i want a pickle.
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even though ive been thinking about tyler alot. im happy. my hand is almost all the way better, except i still have to take ALL my huge white meds. grr.
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stupid fucking lunch jam today. dumb cheerleaders. i made fun of cody in geometry. jen's almost done with blood and gold if anyone wants to borrow it....DYLAN. i think you should read it dylan....cuz, i know alot about both aubrey AND marius. you hardly know who marius is. anyways.
.
dylan cut his hair and im still sad. so is claire. she <<<<3333 shaggy hair to the extreme. like me. *nudge nudge phil* lol. and she said dylan was hot with shaggy hair. she laughed at him. for two reasons. lol. g2g now. loves.

STDs pt 2

i dont REALLY have stds. my cat infected my hand with some bacteria so im taking antibiotichs. grrr. bcuz the pills are giganterous.
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im PMSing everyone! yay! and i hurt like hell and feel like im fucking dying. ive been crying ever since dad picked me up.
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i <3 goodnight, goodnight by hot hot heat. its their new single. i <3 it alot.
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massachusetesinians. enjox. two new words that benney and connor and i were laughing about this morning. benney and connor made them up. they rock. alot. then, in oralcomm, josh, kelli and i were talking about animals giving birth and how the parents lick and eat the embrio and shit off the newborns...and cats eat the sack-thingy that comes out and kelli goes MMMMMMMM, NUMMIES. lol. we cracked up so hard. and kelli made fun of my STD infected hand.
.
phil called earlier and his band attempted to play a song for me, but phil's brother's cell cut short bcuz of minutes. it seemed ok, from what i heard. the beginning sounded like the beginning to a Flogging Molly song. personally, i ahte flogging molly and all punk bands like the clash, sex pistols, distillers and that sucky shit. buuuttttt.......i liked the intro. idky. cuz im weird. it reminded me of england. lmao. i guess thats not much of a compliment but i really didnt hear much.
.
dylan cut his hair. a tear escaped my eye. his hair was beautiful. shaggy and kinda curly, and good. now he cut it....... FUCK YOU.

Jared

phil saw jared today. it unnerved me. i wanted to die. i felt horrible. phil looked SO angry, i was totally scared. like...way deep down. i know this is bad, but for the sake of my own mental wellbeing, i hope phil never meets jared again.....that or i dont know about it.
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claire was grounded so no party. it made me sad. i stayed up late and watched lotr3. im such a god damn NERD.
.
phil came over today. after i got some clothes at scheels. we watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again. yay. and QotD. lol. it was......fun. idk why he likes that stupid skirt.
.
i <<<333 when larry the cable guy is talking about guys shaving their private area bcuz its 'stupid'. the voice he uses is HILARIOUS!
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i feel bruised everywhere.
.
my STDs are getting worse.
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i need chinese, a bath, some sleep, some pop, and a full body massage.

STDs

my cat gave me cat STDs, or cat venom OR A FUCKING HAND STIGMATA. i think STDs is the funniest.

still

i cant type write, or hold my cheeseburger or beer bottle properly. i acnt get dressed or undressed without help. i hate that fucking cat. my right hand *im right handed too* is swollen and red in a circle two inches deep around the bite.

going to hockey, phil's meeting me there. im excited. loves!

Damnit

shit. claire's grounded....dylan aint coming for that reason....my curlers wouldnt stay in....and my knuckle keeps swelling more and more....i had some rocky road ice cream tho. it made me somewhat happy.

shopping tomorrow, frames, sweat suits for tennis *cool ones, not 80s ones* and some shoes for tennis. i dont really wanna play with my finger all fucked up.

i miss phil

i am sad and i dont know why. prolly cuz im alone on sat. we WERE gonna go see constantine but mike said no, so dad said no. had wings for dinner. icky. and a mini dr pepper. i want another. what point is there to drink myself silly with caffine?

none

i dont know why i put up with martin. he wants to be this big race car mechanic. he wants to work on cars that go around in circles alot. he wants to work at a nascar event.....full of american rednecks....who dont respect the british. he wants to be the best in the uk and then come into the us and work. and be respected. but he drinks and smokes all the time. and i dont see why i should care......he's such a fucking dumbass for it. ive been trying since 8th grade to get him to stop. has he? no. yet he says if it wasnt for me, hed be dead. he's the one killing himself stupid. grrrrr. i HATE dumb people. martin, when you decide to get off your fucking lazy, fat, weed-addicted ass and get a life....tell me. otherwise, keep dreaming.

i still miss phil

i miss phil more. and i dont want to go to bed tonight until he's next to me, holding me, whispering in my ear the way he does. otherwise, i dont think ill sleep very well.

i want to rent the notebook and cry. cry alot. dad wont take me tho. grrrrrr. maybe ill drive. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

oh well. im leaving. my bladder is FULLLLLLL

Ouchie

i just got a piercing



acctually, i was holding precious and bailey was fighting with her and Precious bit me and her tooth dug into the space somewhat between my pointer and middle fingers. on the webbing shit ya know? it looks like on end of a piercing. it's deep too.

i gotta go clean so dylan and claire can come over tonight. loves.

Troubles of Greasy Fish

I smell.

like fish, grease and smoke. yum.....

i hate myself.....you'll read the poem later.

my knuckle hurts......no more lotion for a few days.

phil et moi, nous avons nique....again. lol

party tomorrow? mayyyyyyybe.

i miss tyler.

the end

Friday-izzle

i just got done calling Liz out of school. and i called myself out this morning and ive got a pass. sweet. liz is coming with me so that i feel safe. stupid hobos. i hope phil doesnt miss his bus. he better call. or else ill beat him up. lol.
SHIT. I HAD MEAT TODAY. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. stupid school lunch ladies.....serving the good breakfast items when i cant have them. grrrrrrrrrrr. lol.
last night we went to carlos o kellys. yumm. chicken fingers. lmao. but mike told a joke about nascar fans, and the people next us were obvious white trash. lol. two were fat and one was crack-adict skinny. lol. the other were kids. we were cracking up. i have a new life-quote.
"I Believe, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade and try to find someone who's life gave them vodka, then party."
THANK YOU RON WHITE. i <3 the blue collar comedy tour *both 1 and 2* lol. im gonna list out my life dreams:
1)have my photo taken professionally with my high school sweetheart. just us. all cuddly and close.
2)to be drawn, filmed, photographed. alot. more then that.......keep going.......more.......well. a shit load ok?
3)to be painted. as a greek princess/goddess. in a white, creased, silk, almost seethru robe. longish hair, kinda curly, on a bloodred chez, in a room, with a balcony behind me, showing the night sky, and maybe a god or two kidden in the stars. aphrodite and maybe cupid. psyche and cupid maybe? a bowl of grapes at my feet......yeah you get it.
4)live for atleast a year in england.
5)create an album
6)perform a concert to thousands of people.
7) marry, have a family, and hopefully my little boy will play hockey during the winter. and my girl will play guitar and have a beautiful singing voice.
8)be in a vampire movie. no matter what character
9)write an award winning novel, or become an award winning novelist.
10)die happy. will write later.

Post

i dont have long to post. i tried to post on here yesterday but the internet here is so fucked up. im listening to snow patrol, ive borrowed Shes A Whore by POAR from nick turner. im wearing orange socks. waiting for lunch so i can get another free song from itunes. i <3 you mtdew. im exhausted, but i slept in math. i have tons of makeupwork to do. im gonna do it all tonight, and show dad that i understand enough to do most of a chapter in one day, and take the quiz tomorrow while everyone takes the test. go me. anyways. heres my plan:
call school just before first period, and tell them im leaving ***remember, this is if everything works out*** for a therapy appointment and wont be returning. then, during/after lunch, i take a bus downtown, meanwhile, phil ALSO takes a bus downtown and we meet up and ride the number 11 bus to my house. we arrive before anyone else and tell my dad that his dad dropped him off here just a few minutes ago since his dad had errands to run before work. then we leave to omaha. damn im smart. SUCK ON THAT SHIT BITCHES.
i <3 snow patrol
dylan and i argue alot.....nothing bad, but an argument.
im super happy.......why? bcuz i love phil, and he loves me back. and cares about me. and thats more then i could ever ask for.

tyler's death still hasnt hit me like im expecting it will. seeing his picture, i still have to force myself to say that ill never hug him again. sometime, im gonna type up ALL of my memories with him so i never forget anything. i hate god.

i wonder if mshelzer/ nebesniak knows gwg. ill ask her sometime. her and i used to be the only JVA fans in goodrich. till i left. and shes at lns now. i finished my creative writing homework from last night and now i need to think of a topic to write about. i need to clean and buff my nails. i g2g now. i out some new pics on flickr.

love
a&f
Brittni

geometry

i didnt go to bed till midnight last night. im still exhausted. i didnt wake up till 6:44. damn you alarm clock. i had to take the regular bus. dad and i were up till 11 discussing geometry. dr becker and i talked last period, and we're gonna try and have me test out of it. YAY. and such. ms helzer came in, and i wanted to see if her husband's band is still part of suckapunch. i want to see the april 3rd show that nick was talking about, but idk if phil would wanna go to a fall-out boy show with me. life is getting a little better. im trying to figure out what im gonna write about today in creative writing, since its a write like crazy day. everyone's excited now......they might get to meet the infamous phil and dylan. the coolest guys i know. omg omg omg omg. i get all girly and giggly about it. lol. ellen and i screamed together when i told her. if phil lets me, ill skip and go to second lunch with them so we can hangout longer. otherwise, either way, he's going to the fishfry after that. i got an idea last night...if he does come, his dad can drop him off at my house and ill give him the code into it and ill meet him when i get home. i think that'd be kinda cool. hed snoop. lol. so ill leave little surprises. and im SO locking my door. or wrapping my dresser in chains. lol. im funny. you know what? i hate the american revolution. and, i cant wait till this weekend, it will be worth it. i wonder what happened between dalton and dylan today. lol. i knew dylan didnt like him but jeeze. lol. dylan, if you come friday, i better get a HUUUUUUGGGGEEEE ass hug. or else ill beat you up....and yes, i know, i still have to beat phil up. i benched a little last night. about 10 mins. i was bored. my arms arent sore but it was kinda alot. i need to go practice soon. but idk if dad will let me, bcuz of my grades. if not, im doing soccer managing. id do baseball, but......eek, danny. trevor, you really are blind. im giving up caring for you.....not really, just, ill hide it better. you still pissed me off. jackass. ok ok, i know, guys dont like to share their feelings. SORRY FELLAS. you're gonna have to learn. girls LOVE talking about feelings, and if you do. they love it. it means that you care for them enough, trust them enough and know they care about you enough, to share those things. i <3333333333333 helping guys with their problems. they can be so iffy about the cutest things. i love it. and it makes us girls happy when a guy tells us his problems. idk y. but personally, i love when a guy is depressed and is telling me why. i want to hug them. i love it. the intamacy. its like, making love, the verbal way. not fucking, making love. btw, phil et moi? nous avons nique! lol. shhhhh. mmmm snow patrol. yummmers. i <3 their music. it's lively and mellow and secretive yet open. idk. i finish Blood and Gold. anyone want to borrow it? i think jen's done too. poor marius. i ALMOST got a P+ in creative writing last week. im so happy. im gonna write a page or two on phil. and then one on people, life changers, and lovers. i g2g now. loves. I <3 YOU PHIL. and dylan too.

Spin You Around

i hate that this song means to much to me about you.
.
valentine's day was, in the end, wonderful. day started out horribly. i was lonely and missed tyler a shit load. cried alot. mike got suspended. dad had a cold. mike and dad fought and dad cried. i hugged him. i love him. saw phil at like 7, till about 10. lol. went to the park, had FUN! ****yay**** lol. watched dude, wheres my car. i got a back rub. god did it feel GOOD. lol. he wrote me a poem, and i have one of his shirts. i <33333333333 him. like maaaaadddddd. lol. dylan's gonna 'protect' me at my party. i think thats kinda funny, and oddly cute. i guess he just cares. maybe thats why i find it funny......he doesnt seem like one to care.
.
i HATE emily w with a deep deep fiery passion. frankly, i dont CARE if she was kidding or not. here's what i remember phil saying. 'forget matt and brittni. third time's a charm.' im sry, but phil's not gonna date a blonde, giggly harlet. thats why the first two times you two dated, it ended. HE DOESNT LIKE YOU LIKE THAT. he doesnt care about you like that. go find some random guy to cuddle up to......you're good at that arent you? you ARE such a CUTE FLIRT. lol. dumb bitch. im sry to everyone else, but dont try to take my man. if he wanted to leave me, he would have by now.
.
i saw trevor on the bus this morning. it made me giggle. i would see him thruout the morning and im really worried about him. like madddd. i saw him and meghan together. it hurt. idk y. its not jealousy anymore. its......anger. at her. for letting him feel the way he did/does. for those few nights in those couple of months. i am angry with her. sigh. i hate caring for ppl, they take it for granted.
.
phil and i watched Whose Line Is It Anyway last night and the black one, was pretending to be king kong and picked up this girl and he accidently hiked her skirt up. poooor girl. just think if she hadnt been wearing undies! lol.
.
if i saw you dancing
id spin you around
turn your world
up
side
down
.
you know why it means alot to me, and why it makes me smile and cry, but ive always wondered if it means anything at all to you.
.
-Brittni
.
p.s. nice pics of u and ur bf derek. tres HOT.
.
p.p.s. congrats on becoming a man phil. ;)

Lots

i have a shitlaod to type, so hang with me ok?. but first, i found this on a xanga thru dylan's xanga. idk the person....but its adorable. the italic words are the ones i like. and the ones with Xs after them are ones i dont like.

Tell her why you think shes so cool. x
Smell her hair. x
Talk to her in movie theatres.
Pick her up and pretend youre going to throw her in the river;
she`ll scream and fight you but secretly, she`ll love it.
Hold her hand
and skip.
Hold her hand and run.
Just hold her hand.
Pick flowers
from other peoples
gardens and give
them to her.
Tell her she's pretty. x
Let her pay if she wants to.
Introduce her to your friends
as The coolest girl you know. x
Sit in the park and talk to her.
JUST TALK TO HER.
Take her to the library
TAKE HER ANYWHERE.
Tell her dirty jokes.
Tell her happy stories.
Tell her sad stories.
Tell her your stories.
TELL HER ANYTHING.
Tell her stupid jokes.
Write poems about her.
Just walk with her.
Throw pebbles at her window.
When she starts swearing at you,
... tell her you love her.
Take her to shows of
bands shes never
heard of.
Hold her hand in the mosh pit. x
Let her fall asleep in your arms.Call her.
Call her back if she calls you.
Sing to her,
no matter how
bad you are.
Carve your names into a tree.
Get her mad, then kiss her.
Give her piggy-back rides.
Go see her band play even
if they really suck,
and tell her they were great.
Give her space if she needs it. x
Push her on swings.
Stay up with her all night when shes sick.x
Make up pet names for her,
but cool ones, not sappy ones.
Teach her guitar. x
Lend her your cds.
Write on her.
WRITE ABOUT HER.
Make her mixtapes.
Write her letters.
Take her to cool shops,
and let her take you to even cooler ones.
Just hang out
with her.
Listen to all the
bands she mentions.
Dont tell her that her favorite bands suck.
When shes sad,
hang out with her
or
stay on the
phone with her,
even if shes not saying anything.
Buy her ice cream.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Look into her eyes.
Slow dance with her,
even if the music is fast. x
Tell her a secret.
Kiss her in the rain...
JUST KISS HER.
Trust her.
Love her.
Be yourself around her.
CHERISH HER
. . . and
when you fall in love with her tell her
.
isnt that sooooo cute? man. ok. so today ruled. this whole weekend did. her's my story:
.
sunday/today: woke up at 11 and ate. got ready, and as i was about to leave, phil called. we hardly talked. left with dad and mike. we went to gordmans. i got a dickie's shirt to match my hat from saturday. and some light blue angels. god, they fit perfectly. and some flipflops. omg they're so comfy. went to target and got some new pots and pans. lol. i wanted the bright eyes cd Digital Ashes in a Digital Urn but dad said no. went to arbys and had some jalapeno poppers....the only way ill eat jalapenos.....JALAPENOS ADN BEER SHOULD NOT BE MIXED! gah. and now im blogging. talking to trevor and KB and dalton.
.
saturday: i stayed home most of saturday. chillin and cleaning. almost went all day in my pjs. nick decided he was coming over. so, as nick was on his way, and i was getting ready, uncle tony called. well, i was having nick take me to surprise phil and dalton, and they live by the mall. well, tony wanted to eat at Granite City. so i went and surpsied phil. i think he liked it. and then we went around the block to daltons. dalton gave me a green trucker hat! thats why i got a black and green dickies shirt. dalton had to leave to the pius game, so nick dropped phil and i off at granite city and phil sat with tony, dad, bfg and i while we ate. we all talked. i think phil likes tony. and i can tell tony respects phil. maybe even likes him. i really likes that phil goes to pius. dad took phil home, and me home and left to lazlos. phil and i talked about dalton and kinda got into a fight. it was really sad. we ended up making up and it was all ok. but phil was so sad, and, it was bcuz he cares. ive never felt so loved. i <33333333333 you phil. im so sorry and i should have told you earlier. i then had a very disturbing discussion with trevor. i hope hes ok. im really worried. i finally fell asleep on the gift im about to tell you about.
.
friday: party time. YAYNESS! phil and dalton arrived together. dalton was caryying the pop, the movie *ace ventura 2* and twister. phil was carrying a HUGE GIANT WHITE TEDDYBEAR and chocolates. omg. lol. i almost cried. i was so happy. claire, alyssa and michelle arrived. then connor. we listened to music, watched the movie, michelle left, ate cheeze pizza, finished the movie. played SOME BAD ASS TWISTER. dad even tried recording it. we then played strip poker/gofish/blackjack. apperantly, im horrible at poker/gofish/blackjack and should of had my bra off. phil should of had his pants off. and almost did. i would ahve let him, but i knew alyssa thought he was hot. dalton took his shirts off. lol. claire did well. i ended up hiding behind my bear. we moshed in my living room and had a little snowball fight. phil and dalton left, dalton kissed claire goodbye. i kissed phil tons. connor eventually left, along with claire. alyssa and i got ready for bed, watched the princessbride and madtv. had popcorn and fell asleep. she rocks my face off. we had pink pancakes for breakfast too.
.
so im uber-happy. mom and i made up. phil likes my family. and even laughs at tony's weird ass jokes. the only thing that could make me happier is if phil won his basketball game. im going off later to get two more parts of phil's gift. one of them is kinda cheap, but, it's perfect. and the other, only cuz i hate when he's sad. he cant make it to the Ludo show next saturday. and i was gonna have a party that day, but phil cant make it. and he wouldnt want me having a party with dylan and taylor if hes not there. i cant wait till tomorrow. i hope phil likes his gift(s). lol. there's tons. i also need to get mike and angel's gifts. and derek's. and trevors. i hope he doesnt get mad about it. he needs a valentine. well. im gonna be off. loves to you all. i <3 you all. im so happy.
.
Loves
-Pretty Girl
aka
-Brittni

Pissed

i fuckign hate my fucking comp. ill type this fucked up shit later. my comp deleted my whole fucking thing about the party. still happy about the party tho. ill update later.

Nails

my nails need painted. this class is boring w/out mr barnacle. my nose is stuffy on one side. i cant wiat to get home, shower, and clean NAD HAVE EVERYONE OVER. alyssa better make it or else. love you all.

-Pretty girl
aka
Miss Stickybun
aka
Brittni

Miss Stickybun

sean has nicknamed me miss stickybun. this kid is like, half retarded. literally. and we're not really mean to him, but we have our moments. lol. yesterday we got him to put on lipstick. lipgloss. same thing. either way his lips were shiny and pink. LMAO. how the hell do you name me Miss Stickybun?
.
party tonight. i know im sick and shit....but jesus. lol. i woke up this morning with vicks all over my chest and my head was pounding. it took all my energy just to get down from my bed and go to the bathroom. i was exhuasted after that and it took me a while to get the energy to get ibuprofen and a glass of water. and for periods of time....ill have a stuffy nose, and then i wont. and unless im happy and cheery and focusing on something else, i feel sick. like right now. the party's gonna be fun anyways. im so happy i finally get to hang out with claire again, and poor alyssa, but she'll still have fun. im taking pictures! YAYNESS. buuuuttttt.....dad wouldnt buy mtdew. im gonna try to get phil to bring a 12pack and ill give his mom some money. he said only non-caffeinated pop. damnyou. but i got drpepper and creamsoda and they both have lots of caffine. YAY. and, for those of you who get the inside joke, i got pretzels. i think only phil will be the one there to get that joke. damnit. i cant wait. cheeeeese pizza. yummmmers. but from where tho? idk.
.
ashley laughed at me....why? bcuz a picture of me cooking bacon is in my bfs locker.....wtf? lol. that wasnt the only reason.
.
valentine's day is coming up soon. YAYx10000000 lol. im giving phil one of his presents tonight. it's something small. but, idk, maybe he'll like it.
.
idk what else to say so im gonna go watch some FOAMY. and maybe some weebl. loves. x10
.
Brittni

MCR

je deteste le mcr, mais, le guitarist kisses le lead singer en le video pour 'je n'ai pas d'accord' HAHAHAHAHA! IN UR FACE STRAIGHTLY-SEXUAL EMO KIDS *cough tim cough*
.
lol
.
I HATE CLEANING.
.
and i loooooooove PRETTY GIRL!
.
BITE ME MAINSTREAM PUNKROCK! BCUZ OLD SUGARCULT IS GOOD. NEW SUGARCULT IS DECENT. LICK MY CLIT MOTHERFUCKERS.....aka those who laugh at me for only owning Document the Fall by the original JVA.
.
i <3 you phil

Sugarcult

<3 sugarcult <3
.
lol. sugarcult reminds me of someone *he who reads my secret journal* you know who you are. lol. moving on......
.
no more *dirty laundry censor*s anymore. dylan said hed rather know what im thinking instead of trying to guess what the DLC is covering up. isnt that awesome? yayness and such.
.
skipped geometry *just before this class* and went with liz down to the locker rooms. the girls swimming locker rooms. well, it was hot in there and we were starting to sweat, which is icky. me, personally, i was just gonna take my shirt off and stick the top half of my body in the showers and use one of the spare towels laying around to dry off. liz wanted in the pool. we tried the bleachers, couldnt jump that far, plus, someone was in the women's restrooms back there. we eventually got in thru the boy's swimming locker rooms. we sat with our feet in the water and joked a bit. i was stunned that we were doing it. we got paranoid and attempted to leave. on the way to where our stuff and our gat-away-doors i ran and slipped and hurt my ass and my wrist, which are now bruising......ow. got out, found a pretty decent place to fuck....GO US. lol. phil.....ur coming here someday. lol. put some girl's slothes in the shower. lol. man, it was hilarious
.
new Fake Fact on the ludo site: Andrew's Fake Facts: If Nelly were at a party on the surface of the sun, he wouldn't have to tell people to take off all their clothes, because their clothes would just burn right off. Actually, they would all die and turn into gases on the way to the party. Okay, the more that I think about it, while at first, attending a "Hot in Hurr" party at the "Hottest Spot in the Solar System" seemed like a really awesome idea, I think I'm going to have to RSVP in the negative. I mean, Christ.
.
lol. my song : pretty girl - sugarcult. it reminds me of me....and a somebody.
.
my nose is all stuffy. damnit. and my head is all congested. we dont know if alyssa can make it to my party. but i invited nick, who also doesnt know if he can make it. ill invite angel..again...so she can see chris....speaking of chris.
.
i finally got ahold of chris bowling. after wondering....for over a year. him and i talked last night. omfg. memories up the ass! from valentine's day...and our first discussion on the sojh board. and Dove's Dark Chocolate Hearts. yummmmmy. im gonna buy some of those bitches. acctually. i have a good idea, but im not saying. **mmmmm, ludo......I LOVE YOU PHIL!* lord knows id die if phil saw me the way i was when i dated chris.
.
the party's upstairs. woot. which, truly, will work better then downstairs. here's the guestlist so far: Phil, Claire, Rick, Dalton, Chris and the maybes: Dylan A, Angel, Alyssa, Nick, Taylor. say the maybes come....thats only 9 ppl. mike: if you want to come and bring andy or david or someone, jason or someone, you guys can. 6 till 10:30. alyssa staying the night, and claire MIGHT. idk. i really really hope alyssa can come. ellen cant go. emily is invited, if shes not going to tim's. so phil......emily can come if she wants.
.
blood and gold....my current reading material....isnt too good during this part. idk. its probably just bcuz of the burning, but i liked the chapters before it. i want to get it over with so i can read The Silver Kiss. and then move on to Neverwhere for the 2nd time. i cant believe phil is reading it......go phil!
.
i <3 ciara's 1,2,Step! yay. go brittni. i can rap soooo good. lol. g2g soon. just caught up on Foamy toons and Teen Girl Squad. yayness. PRETTY IS SUFFERING WHILE HE CONFESSESS EVERYTHING. yum! damn you slow internet. 4 days till Vday. YAY. man im happy. even tho i have to borrow for lunch cuz dad doesnt give me shit for lunch money. g2g
LOVE YOU!
.
"Pretty Girl"

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love. [2x]

pretty girl... pretty girl...

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out: you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you cry.
it's the way that he's in your mind.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love...

Party

im sick of this! everytime i plan a party it always turns out bad. always. lol. *depressed persian tow truck man* lmao. taylor's sick, jsut like me, and tim's having a party. wtf? you motherfucker. and i think weird dylan is going to tim's instead. grr. tim...why? and tim told phil that he could bring me to his party when phil told him IM HAVING A PARTY. what? does he want my whole aprty over there? fuck no. im having a party. no matter what. period. i cant cancel out on alyssa.
.
stayed home sick with this wheezing cough. i ahte it. i want to be healthy. being sick makes cleaning for a party really hard. but oh well. ill live.
.
i want chinese.
.
ive been making these *d.l.c.*s all day and all night. i hope he likes the one i made for him. ive got matching ones for us. aww. i know. i found some more ides for vday gifts too. g2g. loves

Sick

im sick. :( i hate it. i missed the crepes party.
.
my heart hurts more then anyone will ever fucking understand. my face is so fucking tear-stained. i am tired and depressed. my muscles hurt.....my throat and chest is killing me. my head is burning. and all i ask for is chinese damnit. but nope....dad's gotta be a fucking cock licker. i really did fail geometry next semester.....i cried alot. i also cried trying to write poems during school. crying hutrs me. why cant something NOT hurt me?
.
i hate my brother. i wish i could yell. im soooo hungry for hot food. warmness sounds nice.
.
when i go to bed tonight, please dont make me cry. i dont want to cry all night again. i just want to get better. please, say you want me well again.
.
Loves

Nover-net

lol. im exhausted and i look like a crack-addicted, hungover, twenty year old who's just got off the plane from new orleans.
.
happy fat tuesday.
.
crepe party today afterschool.
.
i dont know if i should apologize for what i said last night, more for my attitude. but someone *dirty laundry censor* and i ended up crying till 3am. i couldnt finish my book, let alone a chapter and im afraid there might be tear stains on it. i wish i wouldnt have told *dirty laundry censor* about jared or joseph. god only knows how torn id be if we got into a discussion about my mom. im TRYING my ass off to write more poems but i always end up crying. i hate you *dirty laundry censor*!!!!!!!! ok, no i dont, i hate me, and i hate the fact that im paranoid. but i dont need you.....not yet.
.
phil, im sry i was so sad last night. you seemed so sad for me.....dont be. i didnt break my promise ;) i love you babe.
.
TOMORROW IS GONNA BE SO FUN. idk y. but i cant wait. yay.
.
bcuz of *d.l.c.* and the fact that that person made me cry, i feel like SHIT. and i neeeeeeddddd sleep. my throat burns....all the time. im having hot and cold flashes. im either sweating or shivering. my heart hurts if i breathe too deep, cry, laugh or cough. bcuz my throat is irritated, i cough, which hurts my lungs, chest, throat and especially my heart. real bad. no deep breathes to make me calm down either. and ppl keep telling me to breath. FUCK YOU. grrrrrrr. my head in hurting slightly. and im exhuasted from walking to my locker. my back muscles, left thigh, right forearm *milk* and my neck all hurt and only make my chest more pained from breathing thru the pain. i BETTER have a temp. i hope it leaves by friday. PLEASE.
.
*d.l.c.* and *d.l.c.* arent going to *d.l.c.*'s party!!!! yay! i <3 you guys. i hope *d.l.c.'s* gf can go...otherwise he cant. damn you dylan for making me type dirty laundry censors. fucker.
.
skipped geometry......sweet god, i cried and hurt so much. that locker room, the poems and recalling last night really hurt. sigh. why cant men be honest enough for me to believe them? why cant someone just hold me for the rest of forever?
.
i saw trevor finally. for the first time in weeks.
.
i dont wanna be sick and go home and miss crepes. i <3 today. ITS FAT TUESDAY. lol. i dont wanna miss the party. or writing. damn you sickness.
.
omg my shoulders. i wish i had a personal massuese thing. g2g now.
.
Loves to Phil, Dylan, and Derek. and Juvy i guess.
.
p.s. idk how many backstage passes i have, so tell me if you wanna go. if phil goe's ill have one or two more. if not, i can take three. i want a girl to go. but, idk, i hate slipknot but passes are passes. plz tell me. plz. i need to know. tag on the tagboard and say ur name, why u wanna go with me, and if u think u could. LOVES.

Painful Angel

painful angel part1:
dont mention it
its not for real
why care?
you have your own angels
you're not for me.
next time
i see your wings
will you hold me
and try to care?
pretend?
do my eyes
tell lies
or honesty
as i cry for me
do you believe me?
or is he in the way?
tender lips
glistened by tears
do you really care?
or is my
Painful Angel lying?
save me from myself,
cause my paranoia.
be my Painful Angel
kiss me then leave.

I......HATE.......YOU

i ahte ranting. i hate raving. so if u dont wanna read.....then dont. if you dont like the message i send out. fuck you. this is who i am.

god- why me? why? what the FUCK did i do to deserve this internal pain? like secretly everyone hates me and that its all a lie? why do i want to cry whenever someone makes a mistake? why do i feel like its all on me? why cant i be human?

mom- you fucked up my life once, if you're gonna do it again, then go brun in hell.

nate- you really fucked up my friday night jackass. i hope you're happy. *censored for dylan's happiness*

dylan- why? why do you need me to believe you? why? why cant you admit to lying like i think you are? why cant you be horrible like the rest of the world? why do i want you to care? why dont i?

phil- why havent you called? why did you make me promise not to harm myself. id give anything to be dead. why do yuo care? WHAT MAKES ME SO DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE? why? why me? why am i so lucky? so lucky that now im paranoid that i'll do the wrong thing.

matt- why? you did this to stina too. thanks.....you stomped on my heart again, i hope it was just as much fun the second time.

trevor- you werent serious about the walks were you? thanks for holding me that night at mikes.....it meant the wrold to me.

alyssa- why am i so different from danielle? why wont you be my bestfriend?

jared- why did i let you? why didnt i tell someone? why? BCUZ I LOVED YOU. i have no idea why. and i wish i didnt. but i did. and now i cant trust a single human.

me- why do you cry? why does you're heart and chest swell with pain and shortened breaths? why do you want the boys to care for you so? why cant you be independant? why do you need a shoulder to cry on? or someone to hold you? why cant you be the opposite of you you really are? why cant you be a good person?

UPDATE BITCHES

friday: dance. it was fun. cried bcuz i didnt know it was just like prom. it was fun. saw nick latcher. KICK ASS DANCING. first ones into the learn how to dance room. everyone else who went noticed our names at the top of the list. i gave the fucker an attitude. stupid asshole. BURN IN HELL FOR ALMOST RUINING MY NIGHT. met dillon...or dylan....dont know his last name. saw rick and dalton! aww. got pictures taken. alot. i <3 phil. so much. emily is hot. lol. i also <3 french silk pie, mardi gras, and wearing matching colors.

saturday: woke up at 6...after going to bed at 2, sleeping at 3. left at 7:15. i didnt get out of bed till 6:50. drove to omaha. just before we got to tranquility park for hockey, dad spills coffee on my jeans. so my pants are soaked, it's cold out and i dont ant to go inside and dad takes the keys. go inside and sit and listen to nana never shut up and dad talk quietly behind my ear about how mike needs to skate. he was talking to mike but only i could hear it. then i fell off of my bleacher on to the next one. slept while i babysat jessica....who slept also. couldnt sleep. my photos didnt get developed till 8:30 and i couldnt sleep. talk about a fuckload of sprinkles on my shit covered cupcake!

sunday: came home from omaha around noon. showered, went to phil's game. he lsot by five. but he was so agressive during his game. wow. it was kinda hot. we got to his house and out of nowehere, HE TACKLED ME IN THE SNOW. fucker. lol. it was fun. we watched queen of the damned. watched the first two quaters of the SuperBowl with hsi dad and mom. during halftime, we played tackl football in the snow. just me vs him. I SO WON. i cheated tho. then we just had a snowball fight. i had to wear his penguin pants. they were soft. watched the rest of the game. watched some tv. his dad took me home.

today: i skipped geometry again and i prolly will until i got all my homework caught up. man, i hate how school makes me feel like im dead. im almost done with blood and gold, then its on to The Silver Kiss. i recommended it to dylan...since its a vampire book. lol. vampire trivia eh? im so reading alot more. lmao. phil's reading neverwhere.......i <33333 him. watched american dad last ngiht.....its funny. i <3 the goldfish and the alien. the rest of the characters suck. lol. i <3ed today. talked to dylan, *censored bcuz someone has a problem with me discussing these things, so forgive me*. and bill and his gf might come to the party. but hes only going if his gf Katie can go. i hope he can. hes cool. but, im gonna go and finish the new addition to phil's valentine's gift. love you guys.

-Brittni

Queen of the Damned

im watching queen of the damned. and im quite enjoying myself. bailey's at the hair-place. getting her hair cut. cuz shes cute.
.
fought with dad last night....he cried. im never fighting with him again.
.
i AM going to formal still. thank god.
.
today was ok. i look kinda gangsta. idky. tomorrow.....hair done, eyebrows. nails during 8th period, ashley's gonna do em.
.
i <3 this movie and the way it's so sexually savage. omg. sweet god.....i love it. sweet god i wish i had a guy like lestat.
.
i acnt wait till tomorrow. dancing......making out......seeing phil and matt and emily and rick and dylan and dalton and mike. omg. im excited. YAY!
.
i didnt know jonathan davis was in this movie. he makes a cameo. sweet. this movie is SUCH a turn on. idk y. im not gonna say why i feel i <3 this movie the way i do. or why i love anne rice's novels. maybe its the high-classic, classical, immortal why she writes. but its so provacative.....so alluring. idk. im crazy.
.
i wonder if phil will dance with me tomorrow? if not....im so finding someone else. im not spending 100 dollars to stand around. i want to dance, and im going to dance as provacativly as i want to. im gonna be so hot tomorrow. i should wear a leather miniskirt under my dress. lmao. matt and emily are tlaking on the internet. its kinda cute. emily's not really his type. hes more into bad girls.....flirty, bad, loud, girls. like me. lmao. not that emily isnt flirty. she jsut doesnt seem the naughty type. there's two guys i would KILL to see in leather. phil is one. i wont speak the other one. you can ask if you're him. if you are, ill tell you.
.
im hoping to finish blood and gold soon, and then read another anne rice novel. SOMEONE decided to get me back into my love for blood drinkers. and blood and gold is getting me into the works of botticelli.and i long to read dante's poem Inferno. and anne rice ahs me talking like i used to speak latin and then learned english. and yes, its bcuz of vampires and rome that i wish to learn latin. i want to cry blood tears. its beautiful. my love for blood drinkers and their stories is like that of marius and art. of botticelli's paintings and the old roman poetry. damn you self......i just kinda ruined stuff like christina did when she introduced amtt and i. i ahte myself.
.
i want to thank dylan. for the conversation. nobody has ever given me an educated and mature conversation like that. especially about my deepest obsession. hardly any guys read, let alone truly enjoy it. you've read some of my favorite works and can humor me with your opinions of the movies. i never thoguht of akasha as onyl having a blood lust. i thought it was more of a power thing. if only more guys could read those stories and be as educated as you. persoanlly, i think youd mak a brilliant latin student.
.
shwoer time.
loves
xBrittni

bloody knuckles

shatter the glass
finger's bridges bleed
and you smile.
twisted and unresolved
lost and mad
jsut like you really are.
you cant write your feelings anymore
the blast created that.
hanging posters on your walls
surround yourself
in fantasy, without real men
maybe they can sing and write
poems, as beautiful as you wish yuo could be
or ever were.
and maybe the madness and delusions
are what broke the beauty spell.
maybe it was the bloody knuckels.
when you wiped away your eyes.
cuz you cry
just for him
and for you
begging god that
youll get lucky and he'll write you poems
as beautiful as you wish you were.
maybe youll get a miracle
and hell truly love you.
hell write your name in blood like you do.
does he share your thoughts?
cry over you at nights and in
secret stairways while you listen
to lonely love songs,
and weep, weep some more,
all over your bloody knuckles.
if only he was holding you now.
would he let you cry on him.
would he love you again?
only god can save you
from his tears
does he cry over you?
only god can save you from lies and heartache.
from bloody knuckles.
will god choose to save you?
will he save you?
will he hold you in his arms and
kiss away your cuts and scars
and bloody knuckles?
will your sorry tears shine on his shoulder
can you stop asking questions
and stop being needy
and stop whining
begging for company and tragidy?
all you need is a bandage
for your bloody knuckles.
and the glass really did shatter
you didnt think it would
and in the shining pieces
you saw him walk away
and the glass became your heart
shattering
into tiny shining, glittering,
unreplacable fragments
and you can fill and replace those wholes in my heart
and you can wipe away my tears, and
make me whole again
if you could hold me,
kiss me and console me
if you can kiss my cuts and scars
and then my bloody knuckles.

Confirmation

i ahve confirmed that my party just might become an all girls party. im sick of the baseball guys ditching me, and im hoping once claire finds out, shell be pissed too. so, we're gonna find a car, or maybe ill have my license by then and i can drive my dad's truck and we're gonna cruise the town. and NOT visit dylan like he wants me to. and i hope someday, nate's bitch gets what she deserves. i swear to god if dylan gets her near me ill kill her. its her fault nates having a party. GRRRRRRR! I WANNA PUNCH SOMETHING!

sigh.

im slowly becoming depressed. and i think i need lots of sleep. lots and lots. and im running low. i hate me. and i hate you. not like, depressed like either. like i want to kill everyone right now.




i need a hug

Squishie

i figured out the perfect vday gift while crying into my blue teddy bear. no, i wont tell you. one person knows. oh god how i wish to wear it once more. and its been in my dreams for the past month, and i just figured it out now. it makes me wanna shoot myself. i hate myself.
i miss you.


might get my nails done with em on thursday. sound like fun? i g2g soon.

i hope i die soon.

p.s. ill post some cute pics of me and ashley from when we were 12 and 13. lol. NSYNC GALORE. and braces. ahhhhhhhh! omg, and branden otoski. lmao.

Party

no party. someone is having ANOTHER birthday party the only day the works. otherwise i ahve tennis on the weekends.

FUCK YOU NATE WEBB!

i CRIED when he said he wasnt going to my party. why isnt he going? bcuz hes having his birthday party that day. when dylan just threw him one. fucker. ruined my whole drive to do chores and get homework done.

winter formal isnt looking as great. maybe matt and i will go to grandmothers and meet phil and emily there. i hate this.

punched dillon twice today. left hand into his right cheek bone and right hand into his temple. and fucked up my pinky, and las three knuckles on my finger. fucked with my ring finger too. had to put ice on it and couldnt write for french, english and geometry.

talked to taylor last night. it made me smile

i need a hug. a huge tackling hug and a kiss. i need someone to hold me while i cry for a few mins.

i need a purse for formal

and nailpolish.

kirby- if you read this.....fuck you. i can file against you in law. and so can my dad. dont push me. fucker.