Beauty

the beauty of it all. it's wonderful. he understood. i couldnt feel better. yes, acctually i could. i am scared. scared. once again : i feel scared. i am in love with callen. yes. but. he's so.....new at everything. he's never been is a relationship like this one, as far as i know. his heart has never broken. he's never been broken to the point of wanting to fix it by wanting to end it. i will never forgive myself if i do anything to hurt him. i will be forced to lay my head back, and kill myself. and i wouldnt call it suicide, id call it love-enduced murder.

In the end,
I could rest my head on your chest
Slit my throat
Tell you in my one last dying breath
That Im sorry
For bleeding on your shirt.
For a heart so untainted,
Pure
I couldnt hurt it, Id die
To hear you cry.
The end, with tears.
Rip the soul to shreds,
Carry it away
To my grave.
Never could I help it,
To see
You cry,
To die today,
Wouldnt be so bad, Id be happy,
Knowing I could never hurt you again.
But thats only an
If
Statement. One that Ill never get away with.
Dont worry sweet angel, Ill take care of you,
Hold you on a bed of clouds,
Place you at Heaven's gate.
My sweet Angel, who loves me truly.

a poem. a good one. ive been writing tons. in the darkness of my room at 2am. so, i can read some of them, ill post em. sound good? hope so. im still scared, but its a good thing. being scared shitless 24/7 and paranoid for every hour will take care of me. with this kinda of hurting paranoia, i couldnt ever hurt him. he knows this. im forever grateful.

Shit

Well, callen found the link to the matt blog. and he took it the wrong way. the way i didnt want him to take it. which means....dun dun dun.....im screwed. callen's gonna think im cheating on him and then ill be stuck with a guy who only wants sex and never listens. so. bcuz matt wont go away and leave me alone...the one person whom i treasure most will leave me. maybe i do need a nap. i need a pill, a shot and a nap. that would help. dad will be here in 20 and i cant wait. ive never been so happy to go home. callen will never understand the complications of my mind and matt's mind. shit i never understand either minds. i guess, i woe an apology. im sorry you had to find that blog callen. if only you knew. sigh. im royally screwed. guess this means that metal is a friend again. YES. finally. something ive longed for. the only downside to love. but, within this.........i love you callen. and i always will. you hold a special place in my heart, the very center. you've made me happy and ill always treasure how you make me smile. im sorry you had to find that link. even if you do understand, i supose youll never trust me. the way you handle this, your decision, is your choice, and ill go with it, just understand, ill miss you. and just bcuz i lie to some people, doesnt mean id lie to an angel.

*with that, her tears fell with the weight of mourning, onto her pillow and sank into the sheeted cotton like the sorrow she felt in her heart. her soul had died that day and no one noticed, and no one cared. she would leave herself there, forever more, to cry her soul unto the pillow, on which she lay*

Callen

SO, i went to callen's yesterday. it was fun.....didnt last long. but, ummm, like i said......GUITAR PLAYERS HAVE TALENTED FINGERS. there's only one problem....he gets me all hot and bothered so easily and therefore makes me practicly beg for it. its bad. i dont want to make him do something he doesnt want to do......no. i dont. at all. this is all his choice. if he does, great, wonderful. if he doesnt, he should know, that id wait forever just for him. i think he knows that. i THINK he does anyways. im in a little better mood today. if i get a nap, im sure ill be better. i was up late last night, for two reasons....one)doesnt matter and two) pondering, wondering and thinking. i feel guilty about pushing callen's religion and morals aside. but...i can go to church with him sunday....dad said he might drive me to his house in the morning, as long as it keeps me from staying the night. stupid fuck. but i can go! im so excited. i havent been to church since ST Paul's Cathedral. i think its roman catholic, not sure. but, they sang in latin, it was beautiful. like a chamber choir, like lotr and harry potter. i was some chamber choir music. my belt is cute. my nose is stuffy. mmmm WATER. so....i have shit food for lunch and we cant afford to buy more. we are broke. no money. at all. not till friday. so, im thnking, an egg for lunch, w/e dad makes for dinner. and eggs for lunch everyday (there are six) but then thursday or friday ill have amigos with MY money. woot. maybe today...no, not today....cuz i want a nap. but im going now. since im happy and i have to finish my paper. ttyl kids. LOVES

..::Sweetcheeks::..

Life

life is a bitch. DOES MY DAD HAVE TO MAKE IT A PASTIME OF HIS TO FUCKING HURT ME? jesus. i can understand a telling off, but he's taken it to the point of no return. ive been called a dumbass, asshole, ass, bitch, whore, stupid little fuck, ungrateful worm, disgrace to the family, and so and so forth. no wonder i crave the feel of metal on my skin and burning in my throat. thats another story. i couldnt be more depressed right now. unless a certain someone were to leave me. ato gets old real quick like. im sick of civics. stupid essay. stupid fucking essay. sigh. leak. lol. there's a leak. no more leaks now. yay. i leave in 25 minutes. Come What May, the theme song from Moulin Rouge! (2001) made number 85 in the AFI's (american film institute's) top 100 movie songs list. pinochio and the lion king had one each. and so did the king and i. that made me smile for half a second. then i was sad again. im gonna take a shower when i get home. ttyl people. hope im happier next time. sigh.

Seether

Sympathetic - Seether.

Hopefully, if im lucky, ill be able to go to knickerbockers tonight. please let dad be happy. i will shower asap when i get home. then clean clean clean. either way im taking an hour long shower. shaving everything and such, and then my hair will be double washed. and the braid put back in as soon as i get out. then clean. dishes, coutners, floors, laudry....everything will be clean. ill get ten bucks from dad and permission to stay with bailey. we'll go to knickerbockers, chat with sam and jordan and korey and brunken and be sweet....since we all know how much korey ADORES me. lol. j/k. but he still loves me like a sister and he knows that. we both love Man.U. anyways. so yeah. itll be a wicked concert. then, we hitch a ride to my house, get clothes, which will be on my bed, leave to bailey's for an hour, then head to callen's for the night. movies, video games, and food. and maybe some fun. bailey and i were joking with preston last night about making out and shit...bailey was wanting to know if hed like something like that. so i guess i might be making out with bailey, and im SO TOTALLY cool with that. lol. it'd be fun wouldnt it? but, then again. im also wearing a skirt tonight. if it works out ok. i dont wanna look like a tramp but if i do wear one, itll be awesome. imagine his face, lol. i cant say the surprise in here. lol. but anypoo. nicole hasnt written back yet. :( hopeefully she will soon. i miss her. ttyl tho. loves. sweetcheeks. (aka SpSl)

Jared

I remember once. I was still in Goodrich. And, Jared and I were kinda fighting. I dont remember what it was about. We were really fighting cuz i snuck downstairs in the seventh grade section. I walked up to him, gave him a note and gave him his ring back. The one Im wearing. i told him 'if you're going to let my dad break us up, then im not stopping you. you obviously dont love me enough to get through this together, with me, so im leaving you. how you take it is not my problem.' and he turned and walked away. i stood there, rooted to the spot. at first i wanted to run up to him and when i jumped to run to him my freinds stopped me, then i broke free, ran to him and said i loved him. i turned and ran, upstairs, unto the hallway. smack in the middle (in the locker section behind the library) and i collapsed, i was on my knees. i had my face in my hands. i was crying. really crying. streams of tears escaped my sad blue eyes. it was very depressing. like a movie or something. but before i knew it, he ran up to me, knelt beside me, begged me to stop crying. just begged. 'brit, stop, please dont...no, i need you, i love you, ill never let you go' and with that, he held me, pulled me half onto his lap and rocked me back and forth as he cried, begging me to stop and saying he loved me. even know, i still remember it. i remember how it felt to cry, to be held, to hear someone beg to stay with you, to hear someone cry to you. TO FEEL LOVED. if anyone has ever shown love, its him. i know raped and abused me for months on end but like i said, that doesnt mean he didnt love me at first. sigh. memories, only memories.

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris is my current music. Sad love songs. As I search adn seacrh and rack my mind trying to recall good times with my loved ones.not many have happened. i got kicked outta math the last day of school for pda in teh halls cuz i kissed jared in front of miss helzer. it sucks having a bf who goes to a different school. not just for seeing tehm and loving them but for jealousy reasons too. ill admit, im a jealous person. as if you couldnt tell already. oh well. ill get over it right?

OMG YOU GUYS. OMG! i almost forgot. my freind nicole watts. from aussie-land. melbourne i think. she came back! she neomailed me! after all these years. she left right after england. she couldnt talk to me anymore cuz of her mom. but now she can! we're neomailing again. i just get her message today. i miss her. and she's in the states!!!! you have no idea how happy i am. we're gonna spend hours catching up i know we will. and we'll be best freinds again! i still have her letter that she sent me. omg. i wonder where her picture is? im gonna send her mine. that reminds me. ill post my pic here too. Brittni's trucker hat . Cute no? I like it. im glad mommy let me do it. Heehee. lol. anyways. Omg i miss Nicole soooooooo mcuh. and so much has changed for the both of us. if she's close, i hope i can meet her. im calling her someday on my cell if she's in the states. or ill ahve her call me. and she can mail me. and ill mail her. AND OMG IM SOOOOOOOO HAPPY. even tho my E string is still broken. ill fix it somehow. but anyways. NICOLE...IF UR READIN THIS. I LOVE YOU CHICKA.

well i g2g. long message no? well. ttyl peepz. loves sweetcheeks

Hickeys

I have a hickey. on my boob. odly. and slight bite marks through out my neck. Yes, I had fun last night. I feel guilty about it tho. I feel like i pressured him to it and idk. But the sad thing is, i thought he'd be different...like he was before. All guys wanna do is go to the back room and shag. But I wanna cuddle, play video games, board games, tell jokes, giggle, and have fun. Once again like I said in my other blog, sex isnt a relationship. Oh well. It'll blow over....as long as he doesnt turn into Jared or something. Funny thing is, he holds me. Like, really holds me. He's ALWAYS asking to put his arms around me and even holds me when we kiss. No one, not even matt has done that. Sure, they'll hold me, but not like Callen does. He holds me like if he let go, I'd drift away forever, or break or something bad would happen. He holds on like his life depends on it. It is the MOST ADORABLE thing i have EVER seen. ever. lol. cute no? but anyways
I wanna go sky-diving. I saw a website for it on msn. 6 Questions to ask Before Jumping. It's really cool. I want to. It's only like 150 to 200 bucks. 250 tops with a cameraman. I thought it was more expensive. Oh well right? I still think it'd be cool to do.
I made a joke website. I keep my funnie quotes and fun stuff in there. It'll be my happy place for when im sad. YAY! lol. The Green Dragon Ill ahve the template set up shortly. g2g tho. loves to you all. *kiss*
Love, Sweetcheeks.

PS

p.s. do you think he'll recognize the apples part of the quote on the right? it was strawberries but...mcintosh..apples.....idk....atleast....i think there's an apple called mcintosh. red i think too.

Class

SO Im bored outside my fucking mind and it's only 10 am. Atleast I leave at 11:30. Guess what everyone?!?! i think im in love. I mean, yeah, ive thought about people alot, and ive had butterflies but I mean...HELLO....could God make it anymore obvious? I get the butterflies when I think about him, no wonder my tummy hurts so much. I get dizzy and cant see straight when he kisses me. I even feel my heart rise to my throat and my stomach drop to my feet when i look him in the eyes. I cant stop thinking about him. I called my friend Chris..callen because I have callen in my mind all the time. Sigh. I have the coin he gave me in my pocket. lol. brb. its break and my teacher wont let me stare at the comp during break. it's 'bad for mine eyes'. stupid whale. dude. connor is still on chapter seven. im on chapter nine. lol. go bwittni. i miss callen. i might be staying the night with him. WOOHOO. and no sex! yes! finally. i can trust a guy enough to sleep in the same bed with him for hours and not be worried about rape or even unwanted things in general. only someone made for me would even feel bad for the raccoon in ace ventura 2. that poor poor raccoon. i really think God made callen and i in a likeness for each other with only one purpose in mind for us. Love. g2g. ttyl kids.
Loves (insert adorable pet name here) i really need a new alias.

Callen

I told Callen that I think Im in love with him. I still think I surprised him, no matter what he says. Do you think he'll like my blogskin? IDK. I still have to email him this blog. I cant let him see the old blog cuz I cant remember the password so Im posting the football post from the site. right...now....:::
"some england fan got stabbed to death in a croatian area i guess. portugal. sad really. nana was saying how ipswich and norwich fans have to be seperated during games bcuz of riots and shit. i can understand, they love football but jesus christ. still. england won 4-2 SO HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES! lol. "
Lol. Callen wanted to see my callen quote. Yesterday I told him to 'smack his phone around a little'. He giggled. He's so adorable. Im gonna make a list of all the things he has that Ive wanted in a guy::
::Ticklish::Guitar player::Bass player::Archery::LOTR::Harry Potter::Jedi Apprentice::Blushes::Green Eyes::Morals::Rude Sense of Humor::Dreams::Hopes::Sensitivity::Understanding::Care::A true sense of Love::Video Games::But most of all...::He knows what love is::..
Im so lucky. I hope Callen knows that. Shit. I ahve to finish his necklace. Crap. Ill never have time to do it. And I still have to shower and do the dished before i go to his house. Blah. I eat my gummi bears in a certain order. yellow, orange, green, red, then white. clear gummi bears are my favorite. There's a girl in my class right now that looks like my cousin lindsey. well anyways. id better be off. i have to email your pinkie linkie to callen. love you guys. love (insert adorable pet name here)lol.
The Green Dragon