Dear Tyler

im sorry. i am. you have no idea. i would change it all if i could. id melt the ice, or warn you, or something. i wish you could come back. i love you. i do. so much. i love you with all my heart and you mean so much to me. you're so wonderful and you always made me smile. giving me gum on the bus last year, and making jokes and always saying hi, even if i had a death glare on my face. you made so many people smile. i remember when liz and i put makeup on your face. remember? and all the glitter and lipgloss. lol. and the many times at the gas station? i hope you remember. i know you do. the rap music at my party. my mom. the chores you did just to see me. the times we always talked about stina, we said some mean stuff though. i think it was cuz we both missed her, cuz neither of us had talked to her in a while. you still liked her, and so did i. but we couldnt let each other see it.

so many people have been hurt by your death tyler. so many. i hate how the people who hardly knew you are bawling. ive known you for two years, small compared to people like nicole but still, i loved you. your rides home and out to mcdonalds. people hate that you're gone. there's all these crisis people down here to help us 'cope'. im not over your death yet. i guess it takes 4 months for death to really settle down in people. thats a small time to grieve. i put your picture on my school binder, you know, the one with phil's picture and derek's picture? yeah, that one. front and back. im gonna make a hoodie too. i hope you like it. it's red, like your old one. and baggy, just like yours. i might buy one like yours and wear it. it wont be close tho, cuz it wont smell like you. you always smelled like cigarettes and musk. lol.

my head hurts and so do my eyes. ive been crying for the two days now and stina and i are closer then ever. my head always feels dizzy and i can hardly walk to my classes. i have to exert more energy then i have just to walk to the media center from the art room. my stomach is always hurting. dad doesnt understand the pain this is causing me. i know i have a heart cuz i can feel it breaking. my heart hurts, all the time. no matter what. i have your name in sharpie across my arm. i have your name in my head. i talked to councilor people about you, they dont know you. and my head, is just killing me. my eyes are stained red, and filled with some kind of fucking medicine to make them puffy. they leak. so much. and i miss you. and it hurts so much when i look at your picture, cuz ill never be able to see you again and i cant come to terms with it. its not possible. i keep thinking, deep inside myself, that ill see you again and this is some other tyler tardy, not the guy ive known and love. i honestly, can not rid of the thought that ill see you again. i cant accept this. its UN acceptable. i wont be able to do it. never.

now i know why people dont want me gone. this hurts, more than anything, and soon enough, the fact that you're gone is gonna hit me hard in the chest and ill hit rockbottom. nowhere to go but up. right? the pain someone feels from a los of life is something i would never wish upon those that love me. in yuor death, youve brought stina and i together (which i treasure beyond all measure) and you've given me a better outlook on life. once i cop with your loss, which will never be soon enough and i wish i didnt have to, i will be ok. honestly. i now have a different look at suicide. its wrong and hurtful. i cant believe id ever do something like that to those who love me.

i hope you have computers in heaven, so you can read this. i hope it reaches you. i hope you know im sorry and how much i miss you. i hope you never forget me, bcuz i wont ever, ever, ever forget you. rest in peace sweet angel, ill meet you in heaven. till then, plz watch over me and ill remember you. you were a work of art, carved and created in the likeness of perfection. we'll miss you, especially stina and i. goodbye, ill see you in heaven, sweet angel.
Love
Always
Forever.
Yours
Truly
Brittni L. Boatwright

REST IN PEACE TYLER TARDY.
I WILL REMEMBER YOU.

Take It Easy (Love Nothing) - Bright Eyes

im home early. i got home an hour ago at 1:30. i attended school, feeling happy and addicted to my caffine pills. i was happy. giggly. excited. glad to be alive. now, i want to be dead. i want to die. again, god strips me of somethign that made me happy. tyler tardy, a friend to me, very close, is now dead. the late tyler tardy. i feel bad for stina, i wanted to hug her really bad but i couldnt find her. i was in 4th period and all these people were talking shit, and then i go, who are you talking about? and they go tyler tardy. and i asked them why they feel inclined to speak of him in such a way and i figured it was bcuz he got into a fight or locked up. he's dead. car accident. i mean, its one thing not able to see him for six months when he's locked up. BUT I'LL NEVER FUCKING SEE HIM AGAIN. NEVER. i was sitting in physical science, two periods later, when it hit me. right now, i could be in tyler's car smoking a cigarette and laughing at his jokes. i almost skipped to go to lunch with aaron and, then, i realised, i wouldnt have any place to go inbetween lunches. never again will i sit in his green station wagon and smoke with him. he came to my party with michelle and mike. *yes, the two dumbfucks that post on my tagboard* im gonna miss him. man, do i feel bad for stina. i mean, and like, phil. he's expecting death. he knows its coming. this, jsut, i came to school to see that tyler's dead. i cant stand it. its impossible. i mean, never ever again will i see him. bad thing is, last time i saw him and spoke to him, i told him to fuck off bcuz i was pissed off and didnt want to speak to him after being an asshole to me. i told him to fuck off and that he's an asshole. I ENVER GOT TO SAY SORRY. I NEEVR HAD ONE LAST CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE. just like i feared with phil that one night. i never had one last moment. for all he knows i still hate him or something. im so sorry. tyler, idk if there's computers and the internet in heaven, but im so sorry. im sooooo very sorry. please forgive me. i didnt mean it and i miss you. i really do. i wish you could come back. ill see you in heaven tyler.
.
i cant see phil today unless i just drive over there to drop off the letter. if dad will let me. he wont be home till 6 cuz he came to pick me up and take me home. i dont wanna be alive anymore. i wanna be dead. i dont want this. i dont want to go on and never see someone who meant to much to me ever again. i hate it. i never have cried over death till now. i mean, never. never. ever. think of that word. never. it's so final. he's DEAD. i called dad and said i didnt feel good, that my head hurt and my friend died and i wanted to go home. my dad asked who and i cried. i tried to say everything quiet so i didnt get forced into that crisis team bullshit. but, i jsut went all out. even jamie and i were crying together. i couldnt bear it. i collected my homework and everyone asked me if i was gonna be ok. im not gonna be ok but they dont know that. i took some wellbutrin out of pure spite to TRY and make them work. i dont want to go to school tomorrow. i really dont. i dont want to go on. i want to see phil and then die tonight. i want what tyler gets. WHY HIM? WHY GOD? THEY TEH FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO HATE US AND TAKE AWAY SUCH A GOOD PERSON. WHY? WHY DO YOU STRIP ME OF FRIENDS? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO? WHY COULDNT IT AHVE BEEN SOMEONE I DONT KNOW? WHY ONE OF MY FRIENDS? WHY SO YOUNG? HE WAS ONLY A SENIOR. HE WASNT EVEN OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL! YOU SUCK GOD AND I HATE YOU. FUCK YOU! i hope i die tonight.

Remember you - dedicated to <3 Tyler Tardy <3

it's all tear stained faces in the school now
us select few
those who loved you
they told me the news, i said oh.
i cried for you, the end of life
us select few
those who loved you
we never wanted you to die.
we'll miss you
ever heard
the word
never, ever, again.
the finality is over-powering
and i want it to end.
we want you to come back.
its like a knife in the heart
flashed in the dark
like a train in the chest
as the end of a friend, in the best.
we loved you,
the memories i hold of you.
and ill always think of you.
i cant believe you're gone,
and i dont think its hit me
i mean, never again
ever
so final
and i want to make you
come back
so i can sorry.
not only are you gone,
you're gone with the last
thought of anger
that i dont want you to end with.
i love you.
you're my friend,
one of
a select few.
those who love you,
we'll miss you, and
i hope you can see this.
bcuz, i might stain it with tears
or with a blood drop from
my wrist.
it's all forgotten things at school now
but we'll remember
those who love you
us select few
we'll remember you.

Sunday

totally fucking smitten baby. ive had to hold my tongue al mother fucking day to keep me from spilling my heart out to phil about how much i truly adore and love and cherish him. man. lol. i took pics of me and bailey playing in the snow. talked to ashley about dustin and edward and how branden and robert are in jail. dumbasses. im driving my happy ass down to the mall tomorrow, acctually, to phil's house. lol. to give him my letter that i wrote. im gonna write him one during school also. XD. man. he is the greatest person. someone i finally trust. with all my heart. wow. its so great. i feel like singing. and ive got incubus's I Miss You on repeat. mmm. tim got msn back. which is good. i miss the webcaming since derek is never ever ever on anymore. 12 days till derek comes back. the 11th, phil's coming with me and ashley to go clubbing at the chatterbox. isnt that just neat-o? lol.its cold in here and i feel like cuddling. im eating some ice cream before bed, and im trying to get dad to light a fire.....cuz i like the fires in the fireplace. they're nice. damnit. fucking gay ass dad. i gotta go. loves. ill write after school tomorrow. ttyl. love you all.

Poem

i love you.
nothing less.
and my heart belongs to you
and i know ive said this
a thousand times before
it's true even more.
you've been here for me
even when i cried
and i love you, baby
and ill always be here
by your side
give me a chance,
ill prove my worth.
you know i love you.
and i always will,
whether apart or no
im your baby,
plase dont let me go.

Crawling

im not gonna crawl back
im not gonna say i love you
this is over, here and now
and i know you're reading this
altho the end hurts inside
you're happy cuz she's reading this too
and then you both smile
glad to be rid of a burden
as if i was a chore to speak to
am i?
am i that hopeless
that you had to give me up?
now, when you look at me,
bcuz i know you will
i will be dreaming of him
and happy with him
and you'll long for me
wishing you never said those things
to make me cry
youll wish i would crawl back
and beg for you back
but i dont need you
all those late night calls
and thigns left unsaid
things you thought were love
you dont love me,
you never did
shortly after, im replaced
you know it
we all do
replaced by something worse
thats what hurts the most
but i love him
and you cant change that
all the begging you want to do
you could move the stars,
but i'll always be his
even if i end up moving on
hes my one and only and
im his babygirl
so back down, old lover
you cant have me
ill never crawl back to you
im in love
but not with you
and this is the last poem written for you
the rest are for him
im his babygirl
so dont come crawling back to me

Phil Singing

stayed the night with ashley last night. went to bill's and hung out and got high. we were with cody too. cody's cool. i proclaimed myself god. lol. I AM GOD. lol. but nobody would pray to me. :( jsut playing. i went outside and played in the snow with bailey. im gonna go it again with mike when im not talking to phil, but i didnt get ahold of him ALLLLLLL yestermaday so im making up for all the days ive missed with him. he had the flu yesterday, my poor baby, but hes feeling better. sadly for me, i have cramps, so i suck. my body needs to die. tomorrow. i will see phil. or else. i will ask cody to drive me there after school bcuz ashley and i are having our pics taken for the book cover, which, im going to type up poems today. hopefully we can find someone to buy it and publish it but first i must email ppl on how to do it bcuz brittni's never had a book published before. omg. im so happy. and giggly and that KB KILLA was a creeper. i think all ganja is creeper for me. grrrrr and whatnot. but im talking to my phil and, well, besides being next to him, nothing could be better. he's singing memory ACOUSTIC STYLE. omg. he's so wonderful. i just, wow. ive never been this smitten. ive never been more trusting to another human. i could HONESTLY had over a deed to my heart to him and he wouldnt even let it tear. i trust him. honestly and deeply. which i havent been able to do since age 2. **fuck you mom. you ruined my relationships** and his tendancy to be hidden and mysterious keeps me entertained and i never get bored with him. i can hear him smile and can imagine his face with a simple 'yeah'. idk. but im happy. and ive never doubted him for our whole relationship. man am i happy.

Busted

ok, so, sorry if the few first lines suck, i ahve to check some shit for my brother. the new illwillpress cartoon is ok. the ending song is funny, but it's not as good as amityville or 5 more min. oh well. im PRAYING i get to see my baby today. he's such a sweety. last night, he was being the sweetest thing. i loved it. ive never been mroe pleased with a human in my life. i got new guitar strings. acctually, here's my weekend:
THURSDAY:
so, turkey day, wore a pink fluffy sweater and went to nana's for food. got a lava lamp and a door hanging for my birthday. and two checks, one for 12, one for 15 and a 25 g.c. for hot topic from tony. pretty sweet. stayed the night with my nana and jessica. i was scared of the night bridge monster eating me when i got up to turn off the light so i cried myself to sleep with the light on. i'm almost finished with Neverwhere, now one of my fave books. XMAS LIST ;).
FRIDAY:
got up, drank tea and cleaned myself up as best as i could since i had no change of clothes. went to mcdonalds with nana and jessifer. lol. then mall of the bluffs. got a led zeppeling shirt. and a fender shirt. and a volcom shirt. the last two were purchased for me for xmas. they look hot on me. went to tony's. sat down, went to mcdonalds. went back to tony's and waited for julie and tried my best not to sleep. then, julie, jess, ryan, mike and i went to mangleson's and looked around. went home. made cinnamon decorations for their xmas tree. my hands STILL smell like cinnamon. went to the world market, bought some candy for me and a Crunchie bar for mon cherie. went to old chicago. the adults were almost drunk so we were making fun of the rental cop in old chicago and we did madtv impressions. everyone liked my loretta impression. lol. went abck to tony's. called phil. talked to phil on aimexpress and then watched drawn together and southpark and went to sleep.
SATURDAY:
woke up at tony's. played around the house. did my hair. and what have you. went to ihop. and dietz. got strings and a bass poster. read close to the end of neverwhere and got home. now im blogging and about to call phil and shower. XD. ttyl. loves.
Brittni

Poem

socialD 49 J B: i just want someone to whipser in my ear
socialD 49 J B: someone to reasure me
socialD 49 J B: that tomorrow will come
socialD 49 J B: and he'llbe beside me
kAsMiR68510: let the night whisper that to u cause in ur dreams he will be by ur side
kAsMiR68510: your*
socialD 49 J B: dreams mean nothing
whispers of what you want to make you smile
kAsMiR68510: dreams mean something to the dreamer and whispers wat of them they r the only way to make some smile
socialD 49 J B: dreams mean to me what songs mean to a deaf man. dreams show me what ill never have. they make me smile while my heart shatters. bcuz he'll never hold me from behind, and whisper in my ear. his finger along my hip. its just a dream he whispers before i start to cry
kAsMiR68510: but dreams give us hope and the only way to survive is to have some kind of hope
socialD 49 J B: my hopes are always shattered. with every man who ever lied. every man who hated me enought to love me. oh joy to the day a dream comes true. i hate to sleep, i fear the dreams. all i long for is someone to whisper. thats all i ask
kAsMiR68510: if u wanna wait then wait or u could seek out a whisper there r plenty willing
socialD 49 J B: ive seeked out whispered to fill an empty hollow room, like the one i reside in. but they flutter gone, not made for me. none could be willing, no one has been capable to say the sweet nothings. to hold me, without covers, only him, a blanket and his whispers. whispered poems, odd in the making, here and now, as he runs his fingers over me, as if to remember incase his sight decides to flight
kAsMiR68510: the man u speak of is almost to a shadow in the darkness
kAsMiR68510: cannot be seen but felt
socialD 49 J B: there are no shadows. shadows need light to be. there's no light, none but from my white, tear stained eyes, and i can see all and nothing in this room. there is nothing there but tears and pictures of my tears
kAsMiR68510: save ur tears u may need them on ahead
socialD 49 J B: but im so beautiful when i cry.
kAsMiR68510: beauty is skin deep tears run thicker than blood and r more precious save them for a time when they r truly needed
socialD 49 J B: tears are needed, now when i am lonely. the blood stained floor is cleaned by them. so are my blood stained wrists. all from dreams of having someone to whisper to me. to wipe away my tears and swim in my eyes. someone to treasure me. im sick of treasuring someone and feeling down and dirty, as low as my blood stained floor.
kAsMiR68510: blood is blood tears r tears they should be seperate emotions shouldn't mix and as for whispers ,whispers are all around u all u have to do is open urself to wat they won't to say
kAsMiR68510: and if u must then sing sing ur fucking heart out and let the world no the sorrow u feel inside maybe then someone will turn there deaf ears to u
kAsMiR68510: but do not get ur hopes up the world hates sorrow well others ravval in it
kAsMiR68510: but that doesn't stop it from existiing
socialD 49 J B: i hear no whispers. i hear my sobs. blood is mixed with tears here. im a basket case, something you cant crack. if i sing, to deaf ears, none shall turn and listen. i crave only attention, by the whispers that my lover sends. i never sleep here, i never dream. if he loves me, let him tell me. let him whisper in my ear how he feels. but he doesnt. so i die more. die again. and crave the end
socialD 49 J B: dont push your positives on me. they wont work with how my heart is broken. i'd die for him, where he here to listen to me whisper it to him
kAsMiR68510: if u cannot hear whisperes make ur own
socialD 49 J B: i shall not created whispers bcuz all i can say now is the craving of death that burn in my heart
kAsMiR68510: y do u crave the grave when others around u wish to keep u from it
socialD 49 J B: bcuz never do i hear that. never do they tell me the importance that i dont have on their lives. do you see me lying next to my god, with him touching me and whispering. kissing me and whispering
kAsMiR68510: no but the grave will not unite u either with him other paths have not been taken do not throw away hope so lightly there is alwyays hope even in the grave yes all is not lost even in the grave
socialD 49 J B: now i must enter the dreaded realm of sleep. alone. dreaming of him, while none dream of me. now i must leave you and cry alone.
socialD 49 J B: goodbye now. may someone dream of like like ill never know

Random 80s Musics

ive decided to work harder at guitar. since im getting a new one for xmas. XD and a three guitar rack. lol. so it'll hold all of them, instead of three of them. im gonna map out how im gonna decorate my room when mike and i switch rooms. **ac/dc's being played and im thinking of phil, which is a good change from recent events** mom's gonna buy me some posters. she's going shopping tomorrow. hopefully she can find posters of The Doors. but, like, if she buys ones i already have, im gonna return them when im with her and get other ones. cuz i plan to use the ceiling also. ill also have my bookcase to think about and the guitar rack. but ill have space for posters behind the desk on the loftbed. and im basing my room soley on music. cd's lining the top of the wall. old cds and aol cds and whathaveyou. im gonna love it. lol. i got 25 at hottopic from tony, 12 for a waxstamp from nana, and 15 from jason. im gonna get either a led zeppeling shirt, the doors shirt or maybe another foamy one. maybe something sexy instead. but im FOR SURE GETTING A NEW POSTER. phil got me that labyrinth one and dad JUST bought me a Guitar Scales one to partner up with my guitar chords poster. ill get another movie one to partner with phil's and a new blacklight one too. idk, maybe ill find something good. they have such cooler stuff at hot topic at the mall of the bluffs. but then, after it, i ahve to babysit jessica and ryan. i really wish i got payed for it, but, after the money i will have just spent at the mall, i dont think ill get much more money. dad gave me a twenty and ill give him my check for fifteen. im trying to find a picture online of the guitar i want. since chris and i are discussing guitars. oh well. tomorrow will be fun. going to the anchando show saturday night with or without dad. im not sure. only 450 or so for the bomber girl guitar i want. i might buy it. someday. or make payments cuz i REALLY want it. sigh. someday. someday ill rule the world with my sexiness and my sexy guitar. ill sing and play my guitar, and my bass and the world will marvel at my talent. horny men will bow down to me. and horny lesbos. ill be hotter then carmen electra. i'll rule the world, literally. since everyone focuses on the entertainment business. woopa. i look like an 80's reject right now. lmao. i miss phillip. i want to see him saturday. he can go to the anchando show with me maybe. hopefully. i want to go to bed and ill prolly just wear a shirt. i had to wear pants around the house since bob was here but he's gone. im gonna make hot cocoa with whipped cream. mmm. and some alcohol. ive had about three fuzzy navels already. mmmmmmmmm. im buzzed, i think. 15 days till i get to see derek again. i cant wait. and this time i wont cry when he walks away. but i g2g and im gonna sing some crap. loves.

-Brittni

Turkey Day

it's turkey day. and im in a robe and i have a towel on my head. i wont post all today, im sorry, so if ur lucky enough to have access to a computer and are visiting my blog, plz comment on the tagboard.
.
i still think it's funny how callen thought i was telling him NOT to listen to a song. man, all i was saying is how i wish i had something TOTALLY to myself. then again, i have phil. whom i will hopefully see tomorrow. happy turkey day i guess.

Forget it - Breaking ben

why cant i tell you when i need you?
bcuz i always do
why cant i tell you that i miss you?
bcuz i always do.
.
.
.
i dont know. ill be fine by janurary. i hope. then again, everything i hope for crashes down. why? why? lol. idk. i never will. i could try. i could keep trying, or well, no, i cant try harder. i guess, ill have to give up. binx - you were wrong. thats the one part that hurt most. i tried not to confide in your words, not bcuz of anything you did, but bcuz i was looking out for my heart. sadly, i gave in and became hopefull. i hate myself. i did this to myself. someday i'll learn. and ill wrote you poems and letters in this notebook, ones that you'll never read. bcuz i know how you feel and i dont think you could bare to know it. i dont think you could bare to see your name in scars.

Forget It - Breaking Ben

i guess i should forget it. forget you. move on. cuz thats how harsh life is. reality. you dant deny that. like you cant deny grey clouds hiding away your sunlight. i could move those clouds for you. i could wipe away my tears, and your tears for you. i guess i swallow my pride and confess my heart. and turn away broken. i held onto hopes that i knew would shatter. i tried not to believe. i tried not to cry. will you forget this ever happened and still call me your best friend? bcuz, for you, ill put up with the searing pain in my heart. as i feel it break everytime you smile.

userpic 

derek 

The sound of my tears escaping my eyes

i hate this. you're so far away. you're so alone.
i hate this. im so far away. im so alone.
ill just ignore the searing pain in my heart.
ignore the longing, and the hope.
the hope she created, that you shattered.
all i wanted was to be yours
you to be mine.
all i wanted was my name across your heart.
instead i sit alone in this chair
at my computer screen
crying myself to sleep at ngihts
and dreaming of you next to me.
.
dedicated to derek.
bcuz lately ive been crying over him.
we all know why,
we all know how my heart broke that summer.
we all know, that im unfortunate.

Selfish by Nsync

im going to ignore the searing pain in my heart.
.
they're re-making amityville horror, and the lion, the witch and the wrdrobe next year. also, next year, willy wonka comes out as 'charlie and the chocolate factory' with johnny depp as willy wonka and tim burton as director. possibly one of my fave movies ever. i got a pic of the teaser poster. woot. star wars three comes out, with, more than one yoda fight. atleast two. one is against sidious. they explain sidious and palpatine. anakin and obiwan battle for 10 minutes, un interrupted, both with blue lightsabers. PADME DIES. yes! woot. this day was ok. couldnt sleep untill about 3. i played bass or cried all night. dont ask. i have almost perfected the led zeppelin song im playing on bass tho. i developed an 8x10 of me that mandy took. it's beautiful. im gonna frame it. we're getting guitar strings and some picks tonight at dietze and then we're getting takeout chinese. thanks dad! lol. in my state of mind, im gonna need a night alone with takeout chinese. matt and i are talking. i wrote derek a letter. and i made him a new necklace. i think it's too small tho. i might remake it. but, im gonna go and keep listening to sappy love sogns and cry some more.
.
NOW YOU CAN SEE WHAT LOVE DOES TO A WEAK HEART. NOW YOU CAN SEE HOW IT FEELS TO TRULY LOVE AND HAVE THEM NEVER UNDERSTAND. BCUZ YOU NEVER WILL!

Wait by Earshot

my topics will now be my current music. since earshot rocks. now, read these lyrics and THEN read the post ok? cuz the lyrics fucking rock!
Something's wrong,
Trying to conquer these fears i thought were gone.
And it's been so long, I'm dying to live in a world i dont belong

I cant wait for someone to hear me,
And wait for someone to touch me.
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone.

I cant wait for someone to feel me,
And wait for someone to heal me.
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone..

On my own,
I'll show myself what it means to be alone.
And the tears i cry are washed away.
All the scars are my disguise.

I cant wait for someone to hear me,
And wait for someone to touch me.
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone.

I cant wait for someone to feel me,
And wait for someone to heal me.
And wait forever to be told,
Im forever alone..

I'm forever alone.
I'm forever alone.
I'm forever alone.

I, I'm not waiting here this time.

I can't wait for someone to hear me.
And wait for someone to touch me
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone.

I cant wait for someone to feel me
And wait for someone to heal me
And wait forever to be told
I'm forever alone.
.
my brithday was so fucking awesome. even tho the best part also made me cry :( but im happy. brittni is now the epitome of coolness. i have a bass guitar AND an eletric guitar. how awesome is that? dad bought me Dessert kissable lip plumping lipgloss by Jessica Simpson in Slide. and a bass guitar. sure, its a walmart bass, BUT ITS A GOD DAMN A BASS YOU JACKASSES. lol. i love it to death. dad lifted it when i was playing it and said it was heavy, i looked at him like he had NO capacity for thought period. lol. it's double cut, dumbass. oh well. lol. derek got me the CUTEST necklace. it's pretty, and delicate, but also black and kinda gothy like. so it'll match almost enything i wear, unless i go raver-bright clothes or skater. i'm gonna wear it to my nana's on turkey day and show it off. liz fast got me a six pack of earrings, so cute. i have a necklace from secret-santa last year from michelle that matches one of the pairs of earrigns. sabrina forgot her gifts. tim gave me three old AFI cds. now i can brag to jeremy. lmao. HAHA JEREMY, NOW I CAN LOVE CLASSIC AFI TOO! lol. phil, omg. lol. he got me a Jim Morrison info picture. like the ones at the mall. omg. lol. i always thought those thigns are expensive. lmao. AND a labyrinth poster, lol. it's so cute. my room is uber decorated now. i feel kinda bad tho, cuz, im moving rooms in about a month or two. omg. that's so awesome tho. mom got me a journal set, matching journal pens, from hell dvd **FUCKING SWEET BITCHES** the seether disclaimer II cd. sveet. and, umm, some lipgloss. binx and i are discussing brit-pop and brit-rock. lmao. and skindred. and earshot. skindred, omg. so good. it's like, jamaican-punk-hiphop-rock. lol. and earshot is awesome too. cuz, like, idk, but i like their song wait. mom almost bought me the skindred cd but she said she'd get it for xmas. i told her not to bother.
.
i met derek today. once again, the GREATEST birthday gift right? it was. sure, i spent 45 minutes wondering around the mall, AND wandering in and out of consciousness. lol. fianlly decided it was ok to use my mom's work phone and called his mom's cell and he had already headed to the richy mall southpointe. so they headed back and met me at dairy queen at westfield. i was sitting there, daydreaming, wont tell you WHAT i was daydreaming tho. lol. i was watching this poor, little asian lady try to tame her ungrateful pos kid. lol. she was carrying him with one arm and so he was slipping and his shirt was half off his tummy and he was kicking and screaming and hitting her in the face. and i was feeling pity for her. and then HEY! and there's derek sexy face in mine. lol. he had this adorable little blue gift bag. lol. we talked, i opend the gift *the cute necklace with matching earrings* and we talked about my mom, and she called. she arrived and went to buy me a punkin pie blizzard. his mom took pics. and then we sat down. i took a pic of derek, i WAS gonna get one of his mom too, but, she said no. i wasnt gonna argue. lol. we talked. i cant believe im gonna say this, BUT, i was afraid to make somplete eye contact with him. each time i did, id look away fast and my fack would be all red and warm. lol. he looks soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute in that shirt too. his ireland shirt. its my fave of all the ones ive seen. i wanted to die. lol. im sry if ur reading this derek, but, you know how messed up my head is. i ALMOST wore my yummy flavored lipgloss. thought better of it. ya know? sigh. i got a pic of him. and mom got a pic of us sitting down. and of me eating ice cream. i like derek's mom. she's a sweetheart. she lughs weird tho. lol. i kidna wanted to meet his brother. lol. pius DID beat mccook. and im SOOOO MAD. lol. this is the first game that the players from mcook have lost since eighth grade. i wanted mccook to win. damnit. FUCK PIUS. i still love ya phil. lol. then we headed off cuz the rest of the hooligands called kids were in his mom's van so we left and i waved bye. sow, here's the one bad part. the whole way home i was talking to my mom and she was asking me if i liked him, and why and if id ever date him. then she asked me if he likes me. i stopped. i looked at her. and i cried. lol. a couple of those silent tears that fall when you realise that something has been brought up that makes you feel really weak. **derek, DONT feel bad or ill, idk, ill drive over there and, idk, throw beans at you. lol. jsut, plz dont feel bad, its not ur fault** but, i just, silently cried for a minute. mom pulled over and goes, 'sis, wuts wrong?' and i told her about him being gay. and she pulled up my chin and looked me stright in the eye and said these exact words "the greatest man ever, the one who will steal your heart and you will never forget, the one who you could be with forever till he's old and grey and still find him sexy, the perfect guy, is always gay. you'll find someone like him, never exactly, but someone who resembles him, someday" and we went to walmart and she bought me some hemp. lol. then i got home and watch some cartoons, cried and ate taco dip with tortilla chips. lol. im already in my pjs. im starting to get pissed. horny random men will IM me with my sn from bp and ask me to get naked and then wont go away. grrrrrrrrrr. and martin, gah. i was proud of him, i guess hes still been smoking. fucker. lol. i cant wait to upload my pic of derek tho. lol. i only got one :(. i was more focused on trying not to stare. i mean, such sexy men are rare. and im gonne regret this post.
.
skindred -
My sound we come to take over
M.C. you better look over your shoulder
Yea we know we on and on,Oh well now
Skindred we in ah you area
Bring the raucous you know we superior
yer you know we on and on
Nobody gets out of dis ya pit alive
Nobody no body gets out alive
Nobody gets out of dis ya pit alive
Nobody no body gets out alive
Nobody gets out of dis ya pit alive
Come on follow me 1 and 2 and 6 and 7 and 43 and
Nobody gets out of dis ya pit alive

SWEET 16

your truly, brittni linn boatwright, is now 16 years of age. j'ai seize ans. woot woot. im now just starting to pick up and vaccuum and shit. i had a yummy breakfast and im trying not to have long convos on the phone incase somebody tries to call and wish me a happy bday. lmao. kinda wishful thinking eh? mmmm, chevelle. yummy. i want their new cd. damnit. lmao. the red, it filters thru. lmao. im gonna call derek-boo around 12:30 since he should arrive in lincoln around noon to 1. he left around 7:40 to 8. so yeah. i hope he's alowd to come to the party bcuz i cant make it to the mall. my dad wont let me. only if i went to pick him up. my dad said he'd pick him up, and take him back to his hotel that night. he's also ok with meeting his mom to make sure its ok, and ill give her the address phone number directions and all that good stuff to make her feel ok. lmao. i hope it works. and im SO bringing my camera. im gonna be so shy tho. omg. lmao. IM SO HAPPY. even mommy's being nice. she's coming in today, but thats suposed to be a surprise. oops. dad leaked some info. ^o^ lol. mommy's bringing gifts. so is ellen adn liz, i need to call liz soon, like, uber-soon. and i THINK sabrina's going. hopefully michelle. and ill call claire after i call liz. hopefully rick is coming bcuz emily HAS to attend the football game so of course, mike's following her. and dalton's going out of town or something. damnit. bcuz dalton was my source of entertainment. ILL HAVE SO MANY PHOTOS BABY! lmao. im kinda shy about calling derek tho. i like that one song, idk wut its called or who its by, but, like, it's jamiacan hard rock. it's so awesome. the lead singer's black. my dad's taking me to the anchando concert next weekend. how cool is that? MY DAD'S TAKING ME TO KNICKERBOCKERS. he really likes anchando. i guess he thinsk the river over plays it but i hardly hear it. man. lmao. but im gonna go now and clean. cuz i ahve SO MUCH TO VACCUUM. dad's making me clean the fucking upstairs, dumbfuck. oh well. loves. bye.

Early ending

so, i have a house to clean, food to purchase, calls to make, and more cleaning. i need a shower too. this is gonan suck. atleast the party's still goin on. but it ends around 9. im still getting pizza and cake but i need pop too. oh well. no decorations. and i might not even have ppl upstairs for food. we'll just bring in the patio table or something. idk. cuz i only wanna hafta vaccuum the stairs, not the whole damn house. i hope ppl like ellen and liz dont mind. man my head is killing me. and my fingers are cold so its hard to type. fuck right? right! wanna know a really good book? smack. i wanna be most like lily but im prolly most like gemma. i wish i had a nickname like lily or something pretty and sweet but exotic and sexy. idk. idt kink suits me well. maybe phil will forget the name. *folds hands in mock praying position* lmao. maybe dad will be a little nicer tonight and tomorrow. i mean, come on, i AM 16 now. jesus. two years and im OUTTA HERE! see ya grandpa. even tho he wont be a grandpa by then. grandpa lance. grandpa boatwright. lance soudns better. he wont be a cool grandpa tho. he'd be so cold to my kids. grammie wanda will be cool tho. she'll spoil them rotten with candy and toys and cake and stuff. grammie brittni. NO. grammie luebert. THATS SO CUTE. i dont think ill ever be called that. but hey, it works. lol. my kids will NOT call me nana tho. oh well. im off to shower and vaccuum, wait, flip that, vaccuum, then shower, then nap. loves

Dear Cupid

i shall tear you to shreds and break every fucking one of your arrows. i shall rid of your potions and burn your love letters. i fucking hate you and what you do to this world. love doesnt make the world go around, it makes the world so down. down on it's knees to please their significant other. why cant you just stop with one arrow. atleast one arrow at a time. pick decent candidates for lovers ATLEAST, if not wonderful. i thank you for phil. BUT WHY HIM TOO? WHY? WHY DID I HAVE TO FALL FOR HIM AND WONDER WHY IM NOT ON THE PHONE WITH HIM? WHY? WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE ATLEAST GIVING ME ANOTHER SIP FROM A BOTTLE MARKED 'POISON, AKA LOVE POTION' AND LET ME OPEN MY EYES TO SOMEONE NEW WHO DOESNT KNOW ME OR PHIL? NEVER AGAIN SHALL YOU FLY THE SKIES. NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU SHOT YOUR PATHETIC ARROWS OF FAKE HAPPINESS. FUCK YOU! none of your arrows will work on me with anyone but my baby phil! FUCK YOU.

Poem time

hide ur jealousy
dont let them know
that her name
shatters your heart
and burns in your mind
and all you wanna do
is be their number one
their baby
even tho
you're tongue tied
and cant speak
with your lips
the tears in your eyes
where your heart on
your fucking sleeve
you can see my heart break
in my eyes
i can feel it
bit by bit it breaks away
bcuz i hide the jealousy
i hide my love for you
from you
bcuz maybe you wont love me
i jsut want to be your number one
your baby
thats why i hide
my jealousy

Sick

i feel sick. like strep throat so this is gonna be quick. got caught skipping and there MIGHT not be a party. im gonna beg on my fucking knees tonight, since i didnt tell anyone about it. hopefully im not sick tho. hopefully dad will forgive me. im grounded too. and i want to see phil SOOO fucking bad. today after school, aaron and i were hangign out and casey got out early and he WAS gonna take me home but denys same over by us and we hung out. denys took me home....AFTER they tied my hoodie around me like a straight jacket and wrote loser on my face and then casey and aaron were spitting flem on the outter cieling of the school while denys and i discussed going panty shopping. lmao. went home. this is the second day denys has took me home in the ghetto car. lmao. im developing pictures tomorrow and i need atleast a dollar. PLUS 22 dollars for my french hoodie. how fucked up is that? god damn. i hope my pictures are really cool. i want to be entered in the art show. mr hute got some AWESOME pictures of me and he's gonna make me copies. GO MR HUTE. lmao. i hope i look good in my photos tho. but im gonna go and have a throat lozenge and clean the house and myself with a warm shower since im tired and feel like sleeping. hopefully dad will let me have a fucking party and order cake and pizza. jackass. i dont deserve this.

Walking Home and Pumpkins

today was great! i slept in and took the late bus. ashley and i talked alot. made fun of emily. pretty much did nothing during photo and library. world history, well, ummmmm, nothing. english, aaron, nick, jordan and i all talked and did a worksheet. it was funny. they laughed at my choice of underwear for the day *lace and leather thong....my fave* and we discussed manwell and his love of staring at aaron and nick. lol. it was funny. that and gay-men jokes. **sorry derek, i love you** but these werent really poking fun at gay men, just jokes. here's one. two gay men were about to make love but the lube was in another room, so gay guy 1 said to gay guy 2 NOT to start without him or he'd dump him. once gay guy 1 came back with the lube, there was jiz EVERYWHERE. the walls, the ceiling and the floor even. gay guy 1 yells at gay guy 2 saying I TOLD YOU NOT TO START WITHOUT ME and gay guy 2 says I didnt, i farted. LMAO. see? dont be mad derek. lol. michelle and i hit our heads together while fighting over tissues and white out. lmao. and then i left. i skipped 8th. woo hoo. with ashley. we fucking walked our asses home. it was so fun. we switched two house's mail and i smashed a pumpkin *my first time* and it was soooo cool. then this lady goes, WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
-brit-smashing a pumpkin. why does it matter?
-lady-thats someone else's pumpkin. i saw what you did to the mail too
-brit- i didnt do shit to the mail * i was honest, bcuz ashley's the one who did*
-lady-thats not smart. whyd you do it
-brit-whatever, dumb bitch
and then brittni and ashley walked away laughing. it was so funny. ashley and i were laughing so hard. i walked over a bridge WITH NO FUCKING RAILING. besides a two foot cement block line. and ashley kept pretending to push me over, and i go STOP IM ABOUT TO SHIT MY PANTS. GOD DAMNIT! and she told me a story about when she shit her pants while walking home. lol. then we ran across the street with our ahnds on our asses like we were shitting ourselves. lmao. then we decided to go get stoned and break into this old house. lmao. but we have to wait. lol. got home and she made me fishsticks and we discussed a movie called better then chocolate and decided to watch it so she could ask her bf why he has it. we played airhockey. first game was 10-9 won by me and the next was won by ashley 10-12. damn her. loser. walked home and im so pooped im wearing shorts and no socks. it hurts to walk. my feet!!!!!!!!!!! i hope phil's tryouts went well. g2g. LOVES.

Cigarettes

liz and ellen and i caught these kids stealing cigarettes while we were talking to james. james is cool. he's 21 now. phil and i are secretly going thru an epidema, that he doesnt really know about. lol. i really wish he LOVED me like i LOVE him. even tho he said it. ill get over it, i have to.
.
as hard as i try ill never be perfect in his eyes
.
fuck life. fuck school. the only period i like is assisting in the library. fuck my birthday, ill be dead by then. fuck all of you.

I hate music

im crying again. i hate staying the night with ashley, i always end up crying. i hate music. once i find a song, something to myself, a song that i can keep to me and listen to when im alone, then, EVERYBODY HAS TO START LIKING IT. i bet, 1000000 dollars that the new papa roach single is Scars. callen's new fave song. god damnit. now i cant lsiten to that song without thinking of him. finally. atleast i ahve ONE GOD DAMN SONG THAT NONE OF YOU WILL LISTEN TO. SO SHOVE IT. FUCKERS. fuck you. im really sick of this world.:
.
touch the burns
from the fire
rope burn
around your neck
you can feel the pattern
of the braid
does it make you cry?
like it makes me smile?
this is my rush
not remembering, passed out
you cant hurt me now
this is how
i wanna be
passed out
with you next to me.
please watch me
make sure no one kicks me
when im down.
.
meh. im bored. i wanna fall asleep next to phil. i want him to watch me sleep, and singing me a lullaby, and then fall asleep holding me. i wish i was wanted. i wish i could have what i cant. im so depressed. im gonna go die now.

Nothing

so, im depressed. i feel like i pressured him into saying something that he prolly never wanted to say. and in the mean time tim's heart was breaking. and when tim's heart breaks, so does mine. im so torn, between two dreams, two things that i HAVE had predicted:
a musical life with tim, id be more of a lovers in a band thing between us. i'd be a little held down by his love, true. i'd be able to trust him, and id know he's one of the few ppl who would be dedicated to a band AND ME. but he'd lose intrest. i know it sounds like he wouldnt, but he would, he'd still want a band tho.
.
a more sweet romantic life with phil would be the second one. him and i are more connected thru the many things we have in common yet disagree on and we'd ahve alot of adorable arguments with make-up sessions following. where he wouldnt be as focussed on a band or a musical career, he would enjoy more of the precious things like little songs and poems and lymrics and be able to laugh a little easier.
.
thanks mom. lol. im gonna call mom instead of email her today. i really wanna tlak to her. idk y. maybe its cuz of dustin. yeah, i went with ashley last ngiht and my dad wanted to speak with ashley's mom to make sure i was at ashley's by 11. so we called by dad with ashley's cell at 11 and she pretended to be her mom while josh and dustin's drunk asses laughed really hard. it was great. we ate jelly beans and watched school of rock. OMG. the one led zeppelin song that got me hooked *t.i.s.* is in it. lmao. i was singing along and everyone was looking at me funny. it was great. we went to dustin's and i fell asleep. he woke me up when he was in a towwl. i screamed. lol. then his sister and these other girls and his mom and i were hanging out with joshy and fighting and shit. it was great. i wish i was that close to my mom. it pisses me off that she's not here like everyone else's moms are. i mean, my mom will tackle and tickle my brother but she doesnt tease me like that. that makes me depressed. but im still happy. i still feel like i pressured phil into sayign 'IT' and omg. idk. i love him so much tho. he's like, bad ass but sweet to me. and he's adorable and cute but very, well, very very sexy at the same time. he's got this and that of everything. im kinda sick of tim rubbing salt in the wound i inflicted upon myself by falling in love with phil. but thats life right folks? omg. i get the 2nd greatest bday gift ever *i shall not speak of the number one bcuz it will never happen and some people would get confused, maybe ill say it in janurary* but, yes, DEREK'S COMING INTO LINCOLN ON THE 20TH. ON MY BIRTHDAY. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. IM SO EXCITED. I GET TO SEE DEREK. AND PHIL, TIM AND I ARE GONNA LET HIM MEET RICK. LMAO. im sooo excited. i cant wait. ive wanted to meet derek for so long. omg omg omg. lol. im so happy. i just burped and it tasted like chocolate. dark chocolate. they ahve these caramels things, in liek, 2 dollar bags right, at walgreens. and it's creamy caramel covered in dark chocolate. OMFG I ALMOST ORGASMED. but i didnt buy em. i crave dark chocolate so badly. oh well. anyways. im gonna go call mes amies phil et tim. au revoir et a bien t'ot! je t'aime. aime Brittni

Sorry about posting so many songs

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay, in your arms?
.
Broken hearts, broken dreams,
There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out
.
thank you daniel bedingfield.
.
i feel like i forced someone to say something that i was afraid to say in fear of being hurt. i hate myself.
.
post script: Dag - look norb! its that spooty magic seven ball
norb - dag, fetch my hammer.
MMMMM ANGRY BEAVERS

Chevelle

"Vitamin R (Leading Us Along)"

Some will learn; many do.
Cover up or spread it out.
Turn around, had enough,
Pick and choose or pass it on.
Buying in, heading for
Suffer now or suffer then.
Its bad enough
I want the fear... need the fear

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause he's alone (he has become)
He's alone (he has become)

[Chorus:]
Well if they're making it, making it
Then they're pushing it, pushing it
And they're leading us along
The hassle of all the screaming fits
That panic makes remorse

After all, what's the point?
Cause levitation is possible.
If you're a fly; achieved and gone
Theres time for this and so much more.
It's typical - create a world
A special place of my design
To never cope or never care just use the key

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause he's alone (where have we gone)
He's alone (where have we gone)

[Chorus]

Over and Over a slave
Became
Over and Over a slave
Became
Over and Over a slave
Became
Over and Over a slave
Became

Apologize

i apologize, once again, for being a depressed poophead. i keep saying depressed poophead bcuz callen made me a card that once said that. cute no? well, ashley saw callen at the mall and she hasnt called me back so i guess im not hanging out with her. oh well. i was gonna talk to callen. oh well. and like, aaron came over. we watched tv and went to osco with my dad. it was funny. he's cool. casey brought him over so i got to see casey too. i wanted to see phil but aaron left at like, 6:30 and dinner was ready at 6:45 so there was no way id make it to a seven o clock showing. so yeah, there's so much i wanna tell phil. so much and i cant. he'd feel awkward. and maybe even sad.and that would suck. i mean, everything would die around me if they didnt agree even HALF as much as me, but, if they DID agree, then everything would flourish and become god like again. but, i know they dont. i know that ill never be his everything, like he is to me. there's three mother fucking words that mean my heart and soul and everything dear to me but to speak them would drive me six feet under and kill me. talk about suckadge. i just wish i could be happy more then 2% of the time. why is it that the greatest ppl never love you back? idk. snow patrol has the honour of comforting my tears right now. im crying. very badly. and i feel like dying. i might just take another shower and plug the tub and sleep, then, the water would slowly seep into my lungs and suffocate me. i really fucking hate being love. it hurts so much. well, atleast when you're jealous of their friends, and you know they'll never love you back. im fucking dead.

Dear Phil:

i wish i was ur everything.
.
I'm trying not to stare, it's too late
The blankets over there, if you like
I'm broken and I'm colder than hell
I should've said I'd not come back here
.
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
.
Just say you love me now
And forget this whole row
Just save your energy
For making up with me
.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
.
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
.
idk. ive been so jealous of pius and emily and tim. i just wish i was phil's everything. his world. the one thing that really means something to him. i wish he wrote me poems like i write for him. i guess i want what i cant have.

Hunger

ive been getting hungry really easily lately. idk why. i DO know that there is no food in this household and im starting to get really sick from not eating much. i saw the french play last night with tim and some of french club. it was awkward cuz a guy i used to like was there and kept giving me funny looks bcuz tim had his arm around me. i liked the plays, atleast, the parts i could understand. the women who did the plays were REALLY good at french. i hope madame heminger will give me night lessons. so that i can get better. i hope i can fluently speak french someday. being able to have a conversation with someone in french that is more then hi, how are you, would be a defining moment in my life. i havent spoken with derek forever. i miss him so much. i really hope i get to meet him soon. i was having a really good day today. i cleaned my room and felt at peace with myself and now i feel so down. yesterday before the play i bought tim some arby's. we ate, it was fun. i was dressed up and he didnt recognise me at first. i know he didnt. lol. i was in heels! OMG. lmao. i felt kinda bad cuz i wasnt that into him, not like i usually am. i want to cry so bad. im so frustrated. idk what to do. i do love tim, honestly, but it was so quick and hurried, and im slowly beging to fall completely for phil. idk. the stove behind me *clsed fireplace* was used last night and dad never completely put out the embers. so i opened it up, bcuz it was softly radiating heat, and there's a slow fire building. kinda. the embers are glowing alot brighter. it feels VERY VERY nice. chris and i are talking alot more. he works at eisley, my fave library. and we both love sandman and cold mountain. he's awesome. its really funny that branden tried to hook us up tho. i got some pics of them from one of their pic-sites. it's hilarious. i have one pic of my ex branden doing this weird-ass pose. it's great. im crying now. softly. nothing bad. i feel so down. i need some chocolate. badly. and a nap. a book. idk. a hug mostly. im gonna go and have some food and watch COld Mountain. maybe cry some more. call phil, and not cry, and then stop talking to phil and cry. sry is if i sound like a depressed poophead *callen's card, lol* ill ttyl. loves. thanks to those ppl who have really cared lately, and taken the time to send me little messages **derek, chris, tim, phil, aaron and binx**

Picturetrail

so, i can only ahve 36 photos on my picturetrail sitey thing so i deleted some. im gonna take some pics of me a little later on. and then delete all the not-perfect pictures and just have one big bunch of pics of me. atleast, if i get motivated to. pius gets out at 11:30 and im having trouble typing bcuz my stubby, not sexy fingers. lmao. i fucking hate my fingers. i cant even pluck my guitar strings with my nails. WTF? im really into snow patrol and the killers right now. idk. it's like, anything WITHOUT a genre is what im into. that and chevelle's new song Vitamin R. im asking for the killers, snow patrol, chevelle and led zeppeling cds for MON BIRTHDAY. oh yeah, brittni and nana's plans got confused and brittni's staying the friday of thanksgiving. fucking dumbass nana. i swear to god she meant this friday cuz she said after photos and dinner. i dont want to go shopping the day after thanksgiving. wtf? is she stupid. i think so. we had Lo Sole Mio last night for her birthday. i only liked the italian bread dipped in garlic and olive oil part. i ate too much of it. i could hardly eat my pasta. i hate pasta. damnit. lmao. italian is the only food i dont really like. i tried the wine. they caught me. oops. dad was mad but it was nana's idea. i felt so emabarassed. i smell like vanilla. dad bought me this vanilla noel body glitter spray from b&bw. it's so yummy. i sprayed it in my hair so i can smell it. lmao. i wonder if phil still has glitter on him from it. ????/HMMMMMMMMM. lmao. im gonna hang with aaron today. then try and get dad to unground me. think he will? im gonna pick up the house and do the dishes. bitch BETTER unground me. cuz tim and i are going to the french play tonight. and idk wut to wear. SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK. BITCH. lmao. damn you professional theatre troupes. lmao. mr brightside is like idk, my idea of tim's song. idk. but im kinda jealous of this girl he likes. like, idk. maybe im confused and full of myself and im jsut the one he likes but idk. like, idk. gah. but i feel a little jealous. lord knows im the bad version of the jealous type. and im really really dizzy. i didnt get much sleep. i got home at 10:15 and called tim at 10:51. lol. we were on the fone for about an hour. i really wanna hang out with aaron today. im getting a skateboard. WOOT. lol. it's for my purse tho. woot woot woot. im happy i guess. but relaly tired and kinda, idk. i need a shower. a hot shower. and idk. i want some mcdonalds. someone wanna buy me some macdoonalds? please? well, im off to go and watch illwillpress and then im gonna shower. speak to you fucktards later. loves

The Mall Bitch

i went to the mall last night with my dad and my brother. saw sabria for about ten minutes. and then, like, phil arrived. and dad bought me a black poofy coat, a tan suede hat, a cute shirt for photos, and some new glow in the dark socks. i sprayed glitter all over phil and the day rocked. he sat with us while we ate at applebees. he didnt eat tho. i g2g get my photos taken. see you all on sat.

Dream pt1

here's a story
a dream i had,
of you and me,
someday, we'll be accepting.

this wasnt a
life, friend
walking alone and numb
in empty chambers.

darkness is like smoke,
thick to cut
hard to breathe

a place where souls
unforgave like mine
died years before
their memories are
what speak to me

these colds walls around me
comfortable shadows
weep tears like mine
talking of shared agony
and lost love

i came here alone
hoping to repeat
ignore what i had before
i gave in to defeat

and now my rugged floor
my place of sleep
show drops of red life and tears
fallen from my face.

my body is scarred
bruised and broken
names and dates
carved into my stained skin.

this is how i show it,
this is how i show
my love.

~PART 2~
you know these walls
i sang of them before
the haunting way
i accepted them to be

ive never seen a light
white like yours
only shadow
its what i lived for

this wasnt suposed to happen
again, id never fall in love again
but the light like yours,
white like yours, haunts
my dreams

oh, i love it so
i follow it
as you wander through these
chambers of me

you're looking for me
i know, but i hide
deep in the shadow
im sorry baby, but im always
here in the shadows

i dont want to fall for you
give my heart to you
but i cut my skin
and cry for you

please dont cry for me
im not worth it
but you've saved me
from scars and tears

so, im sorry for myself
i love you but cant say.
please keep searching
these chambers
someday you'll see me
someday it'll be forever
i can promise that
please dont give up because
i love you, even
in this dream

Naked Dance for Jesus

im listening to superman by eminem. phil and i talked for about 1 3/4 of an hour. it was pretty wicked. trev and mike are still harassing me. its BULLSHIT that trevor wont do anything to my face except salute me. lmao. wtf? w/e. idc. casey calls me aaron's gf. lmao. NIIIICE. i really like phil. and the way his voice raises in pitch when he tells a funny story. and the way he does a naked dance and his mom put a picture of jesus by the toilet that scares him. his sensitive skin. lmao. he's so cute. he reminds me of pippin. so much. its uncanny. and he used to be into rap. lol. he's so cute. i did his initials a couple times in my arm. he was hurt. and i fel bad. but i was so fucking angry. i threw my fone and shit. it was bad. im ok tho. im happy again. XD. i found isaiah's sn on buddypic. alyssa's gonna be jealous. lol. im gonna print my pics of phil tonight. and show them off. bcuz all my galpals think he's adorable. ive never been more comfortable with a guy. but i really dont wanna fall for him like i did jared. i want to, but i dont want to be hurt again. i miss callen. hopefully ill see him soon. omg phil needs to get outta my head. im tlaking to chris from poar now. i saw branden today. he still smiles at me. he was great. except he hunts. :( . oh well. well, im off to bed. ttyl.
p.s.
I SAW THE STAR WARS EPISODE III TRAILER.revenge of the sith. omg omg omg omg. hotness

Sick

i have a stomach flu. i hate it. i feel like shit. prolly god's way of getting me back for how i acted. idk. i just want it gone. saw tim and phil last night. tim's parent's werent home. **oops** but it was fun. really. then i got home, ate pizza, and just chilled. i was invited to ashley's new house but i was tired. talked to tim and phil for a while and went to bed. woke up, had coffee, and felt sick so i started to lay around and fall asleep. now i feel like im gonna throw up. one)bcuz the flu and two)bcuz phil's dad called my dad and idk wut they were saying, but this means an apology to phil's dad. scary. i dont like dad's. i dont like male's over 20. lol. michelle and jared broke up. i think its sad. really, i do. they were cute together.....really cute. better then jared and i. i kinda saw them dating for a long time. i know i should be a bitch about it to michelle, but im not. i do feel bad for her. but i g2g. i feel like im gonna puke again.

prayer in a incense filled room.

prayer in a incense filled room.
ahhhhh ya smell that rotting air
nothing can compare.
well i guess ur there
can't see u there
can't feel u there
well i hope ur there.
feel the heartbroken glare.
somewhere a cry breaks the air.
oooo u had me singing
to u in the reeds
i sang a song that only we no wat it means,
to be a joke don't look
i guess im another line without a hook.
i held u close
we both shook a under
on the wasted land,
u sang a sweet melody under a morning sun
a song broken only by a thundering run.
well i guess im just another line without a hook ,
another line without a hook,
another line without out a hook,
so hold him close and tell him just how much u love him babe
cause this prayer is going up from a incense filled room.

TONIGHT...IN THE WHISPERS

dude. saw wicker park with phil last night. ended up happy. lol. i wrote a poem about it but my poems are at bill's. dad's an ass. phil's in trouble, tim cant get a ride, im not allowed to go to bill's. wtf? but im drunk and stoned. im happy. life is good. im not worried about michelle and trevor and mike. bambi is my new fave movie you guys! lol. man. but, phil was so sweet yesterday. he looks cute in his ac/dc shirts. drank gin and sherbert smoothies at edwards. dustin was there. smoked a lil reefer. yeah. and smoked about three cigarettes. i felt bad ass. skipping school, smoking, drinking. lol. we took edward's car to school to get kasey......without edward. lmao. i payed five dollars in gas money. i will HOPEFULY be hanging with tim and phil tomorrow. saw zach a whole lot today. aaron was very sweet and we hung out after p.r. in english. im very happy tho. honestly. i mean, im bothered by how much these dumb freshmen are obssessed with making me sad, its disturbing man. but, im good. very comfortable. getting takeout chinese and The Wall and Eternal Sunshine and having a night in. alone. and im kinda glad. there's too much drama. me vs 3fingers,blackmman and shorty and then dustin and turtle are starting shit between me and kasey vs julia and steph anthony. lmao. wicker park was awesome. damn weed's giving me a headache. dad's complaining about the party. lmao. i miss timmy and phil. lmao. well im going. loves. kisses.

xBrittni

p.s. I LOVE BAMBI

Paint It Black

listening to the rolling stones. fucking dad. why dad? why? so yeah. wanna see my shit list? of course you do:
Christina FUCKING Coplan - you, you stupid whore, can lick my left tit for all i care. im glad you follow my fucking footsteps....literally. you try and date everyone i have/or want to. bcuz they've been hurt by me, you think you can fucking waltz in adn steal the show. fine go ahead, but have a nice time doing it with a black eye you dumb bitch.
Matthew Charles Schock - wtf? what the hell has gotten into you? idk what or who has made you hate me so much but it needs to stop. we WERE friends. and the shit you posted on your blog....about me. FUCK YOU.
Trevor J Blackman - burn in hell you worthless piece of shit. you mean nothing to me now. that IS meghan bracelet! dont lie to me, michelle said so. and im about to ask sara w. dumbass.
:so yeah, that's my shitlist for ya. im pissed as hell. and i plan revenge for stina and trevor. we're going to ignore the whole jamie-david thing going on. but over-all....ive had a good day. i did my homework. participated. shit like that. ate a chicken sandwhich and a juice for lunch. idk. i just feel good. prolly the late night convo with tim. im hoping to see the notebook at seven tomorrow with phil. im gonna call him once i write my french convo. woot. alyssa bolte, OMG I LOVE HER. lol. she and i were making each other pass out...and i got her numb, but when she tried to make me passout.....it worked. i remember her hands around my throat and opening my eye to see feet and the floor. WOOT. they didnt catch me and i dont feel a damn thing. how kick ass is that? i love it. TIM! I NEED YOUR HELP. COME MAKE ME PASSOUT. woot. im happy. i just need something to do now. david should be calling. and i have to call phil, tim and aaron. lol. and groceries. do we have hockey? idk. but im pretty busy this week. loves.

xBrittni

17 DAYS.....bitch

tim - then hard it shall be!

tim - i'd dig the hole for you, but i dont have a shovel babe. **the sweetest thing anyone has EVER said**

phil to rick - the only way you can get em.

me - what are you eating
tim - **w/ food in mouth** fruulpips
we - TULIPS?
tim - FRUIT ..... LOOPS!

~
lmao. took some pics on monday for fotoclass and we developed the film yesterday. im pretty damn proud of my pics.
.
FUCKING BUSH WON. WE ALL KNOW IT. BITCH.
.
i had myself a good cry and a good talk. let alot of shit outta my mind and im very happy. im also very pleased with the talented and beautiful poems i've been writing lately.
.
cant wait to see my phil. im starting to love him more everyday. i hope he'll go see that play with tim and i. i might ask him to a movie tonight or tomorrow, movie night at tims on friday. might skip skool to drink with ash and edward, i cant get drunk tho. did my homework and got to stay up late last night. took some pics and put them on picturetrail. ill get some pics of phil, tim, rick and dalton soon. i know tons of ppl wanna know wut they look like. tim will soon give me some pics of him in his WHITE TEE. lmao. i really want some pics of my phil tho.
.
idk wtf is up with trevor or matt but frankly idc. im too happy. lmao. COFFEE. ill post my poems when i get home.

The Convo

DDRMastr02: what did u and michelle talk about?
socialD 49 J B: dont talk to me
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IMED ME
socialD 49 J B: cuntface
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: nope
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: im gonna keep talking
socialD 49 J B: .
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: .
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: .
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: .
DDRMastr02: shut up
socialD 49 J B: .
DDRMastr02: why dont you go have urself a nice cry
socialD 49 J B: bcuz im too good for that
DDRMastr02: ur to good for something? thats a suprise
socialD 49 J B: im too good for you
socialD 49 J B: and mike
DDRMastr02: thats funny
DDRMastr02: u should be a comedian
socialD 49 J B: i dont see how the truth can be so funny trevor
DDRMastr02: ha ha funny
DDRMastr02: so wut did you and michelle talk about
DDRMastr02: fine be that way
DDRMastr02: what did i do to deserve this?
DDRMastr02: do do do do do do do do do do do do do (jepordy theme song)
socialD 49 J B: you hurt me, treated me like shit and never cared about me when you were my whole world
DDRMastr02: is that a crime?
socialD 49 J B: YOU HURT ME
socialD 49 J B: DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT
socialD 49 J B: jesus
DDRMastr02: thats not an answer, i said, is that a crime
socialD 49 J B: not legally, but i figured maybe you'd have a heart and care about ppl. but you dont you're a cold, heartless piece of shit
DDRMastr02: emotion is the only human flaw
socialD 49 J B: i know. my emotion are fucking flawed enough as it is. let alone to love someone who was flawed to the point of hatred
DDRMastr02: just as long as you know emotion is the only human flaw, it can be the only living hell or living heaven. sux ass huh? o well, sux for you
socialD 49 J B: thanks for being nice about it......NOT
socialD 49 J B: jesus, i never realise you're such a jackass
socialD 49 J B: no wonder meghan doesnt love you like you want her to
DDRMastr02: thats funny, guess whos on the phone with trevor right now, guess whos going to a couple movies with trevor this weekend? come on, just guess
socialD 49 J B: you're ugly ass little bitch?
DDRMastr02: please guess, it'll make me feel better
DDRMastr02: :-X
DDRMastr02: my bad
socialD 49 J B: prolly the girl, who if she did date you would cheat on you, use you and hurt you AGAIN
socialD 49 J B: i cant wait to tell her about the window cleaner
socialD 49 J B: all those things you did for her
socialD 49 J B: she'll prolly detest you the way you detested me for it
DDRMastr02: to bad i got that idea from bridget because you pissing me off fucking retard
DDRMastr02: you dont have shit on me!
socialD 49 J B: babe, yes i do
DDRMastr02: like:
DDRMastr02: if you will..
socialD 49 J B: you know that bracelet on your window sill?
DDRMastr02: yea
socialD 49 J B: its here
socialD 49 J B: with me
DDRMastr02: which one?
socialD 49 J B: the one with the whale
DDRMastr02: that wasn't her's dumb ass that was sara wenzl's ne ways id just buiy her a new one
socialD 49 J B: i also have the sharpie you took from mike's
socialD 49 J B: your semester one schedule
socialD 49 J B: notes youve written to others
socialD 49 J B: pictures
DDRMastr02: of who
socialD 49 J B: you
DDRMastr02: ooooo
DDRMastr02: whatta gonna do with those
socialD 49 J B: i have memories
DDRMastr02: who are the notes too?
socialD 49 J B: they dont say
DDRMastr02: w/e
socialD 49 J B: one about folding the note a special way
DDRMastr02: ur a dumbass, u dont have shit
socialD 49 J B: it took you 30 minutes
socialD 49 J B: im not stupid
socialD 49 J B: i wouldnt lie about shit like that trevor
DDRMastr02: u dont have ne shit that would embarrass me or make ne one hate me
socialD 49 J B: no
socialD 49 J B: but i have word of mouth
DDRMastr02: oooo
socialD 49 J B: i know more ppl then you ever will
DDRMastr02: everyones gonna believe some who masterbates with frozen hotdogs
socialD 49 J B: and i also know, that if anything happens to me.....at all.....even if its not you.......you shall pay.
DDRMastr02: how so, just gimme a shallow idea
socialD 49 J B: jesus christ. do you know what a black person is?
socialD 49 J B: even the guy who killed brady beran has my back
DDRMastr02: so wut, life sux my balls, im gonna die ne way, i dare you to hire a hit man
socialD 49 J B: they'
socialD 49 J B: re not hit men
socialD 49 J B: they're gangters. thugs
DDRMastr02: well if ur hiring them to kill ME yes they are
socialD 49 J B: they wont kill you
DDRMastr02: thats a shame
socialD 49 J B: itll hurt in the morning tho
socialD 49 J B: yeah, like you've got some death wish
socialD 49 J B: you
socialD 49 J B: re life is perfect
socialD 49 J B: remember?
DDRMastr02: thats ur problem, right there, you think your the only one with fucking problems, jesus christ deal with it
DDRMastr02: r u so weak you need other people to do ur dirty work
socialD 49 J B: fine
socialD 49 J B: u and me tomorrow morn
DDRMastr02: yeah right im not gonna hit your physically, ur a girl
socialD 49 J B: so?
socialD 49 J B: its not like you respect me enough
DDRMastr02: so id get in even more shit, first of all cause beaten the shit out of you, second of all cause ur a girl
socialD 49 J B: you wouldnt beat the shit outta me
DDRMastr02: alight brittni, your right, of course i wouldn't, wut was i thinking?
socialD 49 J B: you're too weak
DDRMastr02: yup, im a twig, i couldn't take on a fat ass like you, i mustta been out my mind to piss you off
DDRMastr02: where ya goin baby?

Auto response from socialD 49 J B: broken and bleeding

DDRMastr02: i wish
DDRMastr02 is away at 6:45:26 PM.

When they're all here, You know you're not alone

party at my house yesterday. rick, dalton, tim, phil, mike, andy and david. david left his coat. lol. we watched waterboy...why?......idk. but it was hilarious. we made fun of so many ppl:joke. lol. rick said "oooh, drunk cheerleaders, the only way i like em" and phil says some-what qiuetly "the only way you can get em" lmao. im starting to really like phil. meh. david and mike and andy all thought i was dating tim.....um, nope. lol. we walked around outside, almost got shot cuz we rang some guy's doorbell. during that time, we hid behind ian's mom's car *(aka moo)* lol. ran thru his backyard, and then up the street to michelle's backyard. lmao. we lost rick on the way home. lol. found him and went inside. dad TOTALLY flipped cuz we didnt say where we were going. which was gay cuz he made everyone call their parents. we watched tv until david's mom picked him, andy and mike up. then we played strip poker and i wore tim's shirt instead of being topless, cuz i had a pair of twos and TOTALLY lost. lmao. it sucked cuz i was hoping not to lose, im not sexy topless. but it was sooooo funny. but it was fun. dalton and phil held their shirts up while i changed when phil's mom arrived. of course, dalton watched. i DO have a thing for dalton. he is very cute and a total sweety. and, i know this sounds crazy, but when he was making me pass out he, idk, was....soo......exotic you could say. idk. but i liked it. they made me pass out about 5 times. the last time lasted the longest and i woke up with my legs giving way under me and dalton's arm across my chest. it was great. i love it. i made myself passout in pe today. me, steph anthony and paige were sitting on the bench on the weightroom, and i stood against a wall and made myself passout. woke up about 20 seconds later squating down with my hands on my knees. lmao. they always think im faking cuz i smile when its over. i smile, bcuz the feeling, thats when im happy. the fuzzy feeling all over, the blurry vision and empty memory. its so great. apparently, i slashed josh's tires. WTF? and now trevor's in on it bcuz when i pulled out my knife on the bus today, to show tayler, he asked me on aim if i use it to slash tires. wtf? a nice knife like that...on tires? hell no. wtf? why the hell would i do that? now,if he egged my house....THEN MAYBE. jsut maybe tho. i burned a couple led zeppeling songs onto a cd this morning but ran outta batteries. i got past a whole buncha parts on alice. im doing pretty well acctually. i was sooooo exhausted today in school. im scik of it. FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON IM FEELING LIKE SHIT. i really just wanna ran away from reality. i wish i was in a coma. id be fucking happy. im so frustrated with life and ppl and school. i have ALL Ds. wtf? why am i so stupid? why cant i be motivated to do my work? there's days when i get up saying IM GONNA DO GOOD TODAY, IM GONNA LOVE MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE. IM GONNA SMILE AND DO MY HOMEWORK AND DO CHORES AND BE A GOOD DAUGHTER. and when i arrive home from school, im like, fuck you all go die. wtf? lol. and matthew charles schock is now officially dead. he's pulling out old rumors and shit. why? idk. bcuz of some amber chick. she totally borught him down. all of a sudden i should burn in hell. idk. frankly idc. i cant fucking call ppl when i say i will, nothing works out how i want it to, even if i DO try to make it work. idk. im soooo fuckin frustrated. in truth, im bawling. i really am. mike's harassing me and so is everyone else all about josh's tires. i only get spoken to if i did something wrong. but when im nice and happy im left alone. i wanna go to pius so bad. idc if i have to pray eeryday and dress in gay uniforms....this isnt worth clothing choice. what the hell did i do to deserve to be hated. trevor.....the one person i would do anything for, hates me. and so do all his friends. omg. i just, idk. im so ready to give up, on everything. on phil, on david, on school, on dad and mom and my tongue and college and being alive. its not worth it. i just wanna press my hands to my throat and never wake up......